Houston, We Have a Problem

When I started writing this one, I wasn't sure which of my grievances to address: the humidity? the driving? the urban sprawl? the danger? I knew I couldn't draw it out into multiple posts because that would just get tedious and no one likes a downer (unless she's super hilarious, right guys??). However, I do reserve the right to complain about this swamphole (I think I made that term up, but it's fitting) in the future. As the summer is ending and a new (school) year is coming, I will do this in true Festivus fashion: begin with the Airing of Grievances. 

«Humidity»
I've spent a good deal of my life in Texas. I am no greenhorn when it comes to the suffocating hell that is humidity. My friends, I was mistaken. Houston is a beast that holds you underwater and expects you to function like a normal human. 

The only seating available at Starbucks today was outside. And as I valiantly attempted my Torts reading, I simply could. not. do it. Because I was damp all over and my glasses kept slipping off of my face. In fact, I can't get out of my car while wearing my glasses because they fog over for about 5 minutes. HOUSTON IS IMPAIRING MY VISION. Also my hair doesn't know how to handle this, so that's just the worst. I have spent 18 out of the 18 days I've been in Houston with my hair in a bun. This cannot continue. 

«Driving»
Actually, the drivers. The awfulness is beyond comprehension. I was honked at repeatedly for acknowledging the speed limit in a school zone. Lane lines are viewed as suggestion. Green arrows on left turns are simply ignored. Stops signs? Nope. 

These people are draining my near-bottomless well of patience. 
I'm linking this one with the urban sprawl. I have yet to figure out what Houston-proper means. There is more suburb than actual city. Maybe I was spoiled, living right in the thick of things in Dallas, but this feels ridiculous.

«Danger»
Complete honesty: I was worried that I was being racist by fearing this city. And then I lived here for a little while. Orientation was full of tidbits like "Don't go to Reliant Stadium alone" and "Have security walk you to your car". Why do we do this to ourselves? One of my biggest fears is The Purge in real life, and I just moved into an already-crime-ridden city. Halp.

«Bonus: Law School»
This one's not unique to Houston. But because I moved here for law school, it's all the same to me. It starts tomorrow, guys. Tomorrow. Am I ready?

I haven't finished the reading, I don't know what I'm wearing, and I'm a little hungover. But here's the secret to my (hopeful) success: aim to be only better than the dumbest person. Set that bar really low and I can't help but triumph! No shame in my game. Wish me luck & below-average-intelligence classmates...

First Impressions

Apartment hunting was a success. 
But that's not to say that I have changed my tune about Houston. 
Everyone who's told me that Houston's not so bad, you have a lot of explaining to do.

While I ended up leasing from the first place we visited, Mumsie & I still wanted to see more apartments. Except we were turned away from a few places because they just didn't have any openings and don't see any apartments becoming available--like, ever. 
And the one other place that had one-bedrooms was attempting to rob me blind. A studio for more than $1400?

Houston has a serious housing crisis on their hands, and I only care because I'm feeling it. I will be paying way too much AND still have to worry about burglars and rapists. Never the twain should meet.

And we passed a bunch of houses with concertina wire on their fences. Like this is Mexico, or something.   

Also, the hotel we stayed in didn't have much in the way of television. We were forced to watch this movie:

YIKES. I cannot stress enough how important it is to me that you never watch it. If you come across it in the future, and remember me mentioning it but you don't recall whether I loved it so much that I wrote about it on my blog OR hated it with all I have inside of me, here's a fun way to commit to memory my feelings:

I would rather CUT my own THROAT than watch that movie again. 

Those who know me have seen me T-Rex at the thought of sharp objects near my neck and/or wrists, so that should tell you how serious I am. 

Geena Davis, you should be ashamed. 

And then, the Houston morning news featured a story about a 6-foot alligator found at a McDonald's in the area. YOU CAN'T EVEN BE FAT AND HAPPY IN HOUSTON.

And on the way out of town, I noticed all of the hurricane evacuation route signs. 

Houston, you're just the worst. I will live in you for 3 years, but don't expect more than that. Civilization--aka DFW or San Antone--will be calling my name. 

Now I'm off to the pool to celebrate what's left of my freedom. #thanksobama