2018: My Year in [Trump] Gifs

2018 was the year I finally got my life together (she said for the 5th year in a row). 

But I mean it this time. Mostly because there really isn't any other option.

This year, I dedicate my end-of-year gif journey to our lord and savior, Donald Trump. 

January

I have almost no memory of January, aside from spending New Years in Dallas with some of my favorite people.
Most of the month has been memory-holed because my job was the worst and I cried a lot. 🤷‍♀️

February

February got real. I quit another job, guys!
At this point, if anyone needs advice on quitting...please don't come to me because I'm still terrified of confrontation and this last experience was a whole different kind of mess.
I submitted my resignation letter fully expecting them to do the normal thing and not make me finish out the notice period. Joke was on me, though, because not only did they expect me to keep working, they also wanted me to represent the boss's wife in traffic court.
Y'all, I won't represent myself in traffic court. My legal* advice: own up to being a bad driver, pay the damn fine and move on.
Fortunately, I immediately got a terrible case of the flu and told them that I wouldn't be able to come in for about...two weeks. Wiggled myself out of that one, right?
NOPE. Lawyers are the worst and there is no leaving on your own terms. This law firm was Hotel California.
In a wholly unsurprising move, they immediately threatened legal action against me.

It took a full week of insincere apologies (combined with refusals to back down), explanations of Texas employment law (lawyers love when you explain the law to them), and even texting a picture of my thermometer before they stopped emailing me.

I started a new job as soon as I escaped from the grips of fever, and haven't looked back since.

*By "legal" I mean "completely casual, not at all legal." I am not your lawyer. You are not paying me. You're an adult and traffic court is dumb; make your own decisions.

March-April

A blur. At this point, Tyler was still in school and I was working nonstop.
I'm fairly certain March and April just didn't happen.

May

Tyler graduated! I took an elbow to the head at a Papa Roach concert! Tyler started bar prep.
May was a rollercoaster.

June

In this hottest of times in the hottest of swamps, THE A/C IN MY CAR STOPPED WORKING.
This was a month of thirst.
So I parked her in the Third Ward and set her on fire.
Except in reality, I parked her in my garage and went to Louisiana with my parents for a bit.
(If you've ever considered going to Walker Percy Weekend in St. Francisville, do it! Bourbon for dayz.)

July

Tyler took the bar exam and I experienced a tremendous amount of PTSD.
We both need(ed) emotional therapy dogs.

August-September

Is this how life works? Months just disappear because nothing of note happened?
Do I have a Swiss cheese brain?
Or did I accidentally eat too many Tide pods?
(Remember that that was a thing?? 2018 was a wild ride.)

October

Tyler got a (very impressive and will keep me in the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed) job! And passed the bar!
We fancy dined! We drank! We treated ourselves!
And then we took a three day nap that was two years overdue.

November

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I am proud to announce my latest collection entitled "Ring in Front of Christmas Decorations."
(But really, girlfriend looks good in red, am I right?)

December

Engaged, the perfect job, and (mom's old) Lexus? I AM THRIVING.

A few questions I've asked in the 4+ weeks since getting engaged:
Are live peacocks too extra?
Where did Kanye get that giant flower wall?
How long was Priyanka's train and, hypothetically and totally unrelated, how long is the aisle at the cathedral?
I wonder what Donald and Melania are doing next fall?

Gird your loins, people.

A certain grumpy, no fun fiance who shall remain nameless has banned the words "bling" and "glitter" from our wedding lexicon, but luckily ya girl is an actual walking thesaurus so there will be plenty of *ahem* sparkle. (Suck it, Tyler.)

Wedding Motto: WWM(elania/Mariah)D?

We have a date, a church, and a reception venue. I'm basically done, right?
I've gone full-on Type A on this wedding planning and partially created at least 4 wedding websites because I am an actually insane person.
(In my defense, while there is [a lot of] overlap, each website offers different features and designs
AND THIS IS MY WEDDING SO BACK THE HELL UP IF YOU WANT AN INVITE.)

Honorary December gif:

100 pounds, Your Majesty. IT'S WEDDING SEASON. 

Happy New Year!

Post-Grad Lyfe, A to Zed: Law Lyfe Edition I

Just when you thought I was out of the post-grad rant game, I'm post-grad again!
I went back to school just so I could extend my ranting.
You're welcome.

Apathy
It's not like I entered law school a super empathetic human.
I've never had a ton of patience and compassion for stupidity, and I tend to think that a lot of things are stupid.
But law school took my tiny Grinch heart, shrunk it even more, and then froze it.
I'm mixing animated movie metaphors here, but still. I had a slip and fall case where the woman actually died and I spent 100% of my time thinking about what a giant, dead con artist she was.

Billable hours
The actual devil.
Whoever decided that 6 minutes is a better increment than 10 minutes is a moron.
Math is hard and I never asked for this.
Also, realizing that you just spent 3 hours on something but only half of that is billable is the worst feeling in the entire world.
Honorable mention: Bar exam
I know I mentioned doing a whole post dedicated to the Test-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named, but I just don't think I have it in me. It's stupid and maybe if we all stop talking about it it will go away.

Contract vs. employment
I quit my stable, "cushy" job for a contract position.
Some would say I'm an idiot. They could be right.
I have to put aside money for taxes, I no longer have benefits, and my job ends at a predetermined time.
Also, I kind of feel like I'm becoming a jack of all trades, master of none.
I'm pretending to know about oil and gas right now, and the client doesn't even realize that an IMPOSTER ADULT is giving them legal advice.

It's a little terrifying.
(Disclaimer: I'm competent, I swear. But I have hardcore Imposter Syndrome, so there.)

Disposable income
Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I've purchased way too many unnecessary things.
But also...super necessary. Get out of my business.

Ennui + anxiety
Work is boring.
But I also feel intense concern that I'm not working smart enough or hard enough or fast enough.

My days consist of interpreting small town Texas real estate documents from the 1800s to present day.
It is so utterly tedious that I have become thoroughly invested in the lives of these people.
A contentious divorce was the highlight of my month.
Help.

Free time
Most first year associates basically sleep in the office and have soul-crushing hours.
I'm in a very unique situation that I never want to end but is guaranteed to end.
For the first time in absolute ages, I have free time and I have no idea what to do with it.
I have shows to watch, books to read, crafts to craft.
The world is my oyster, but I spend a lot of time napping.

Gym membership
Ugh, I'm doing the damn thing.
But I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.

Honorary advisor
I may have finished, but that doesn't mean I can wash my hands of it.
I am playing school/bar prep/job search advisor to my boyfriend, who has RUDELY decided to still be in law school despite my repeated requests for him to graduate and support me in the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed.

But joke's on him because I should not advise anyone on school, bar prep, OR the job search.
WE'RE DOOMED.

Insurance
I hate the adult I've become -
worried about things like insurance and IRAs.
I have neither, so I'll continue to worry, thank you very much.

Job hunt
Uhhhhh right. I guess I should be doing that again, seeing as this Nirvana of a job is going to end at some point.
However, all of the job postings are asking for 2-5 years of experience. That age old problem.
So my solution: stop looking and just sit it out for a year. Because then I'll have 2 years out of law school. That's how it works, right?

Kvetching
(It's a stretch. I know.)
In another life, I was a Jewish grandmother.
I legitimately don't know why you're here, if not for the snark.

Little White Lies
"I'll get to that immediately" ... as soon as I finish my morning scroll through Drudge and Daily Mail.
"Traffic was terrible this morning" ... as you stroll in, Starbucks in hand.
"I've been swamped lately" ... if by "swamped" you mean binge watching Parks and Rec for the 8th time with some freshly Uber Eats-ed orange chicken, then sure.
But really, "we need to get together for drinks!"

The Sunday Currently, Vol. 10

Currently, I'm ...

listening ... Louder with Crowder. Sword and Scale. the latest Taylor album. protestors.
hey, so approximately 2 seconds after my last post, I quit my job because *reasons*. I'm back in oil and gas and so so so much happier. AND my situation is such that I am able to listen to podcasts/music all day. I could use this as a chance to grow and stretch myself...or I could continue on in my conservative vacuum because the other side is stupid and what's even the point in trying to understand them. So I've been listening to Louder with Crowder, Ben Shapiro, and the Federalist Radio Hour. On the off chance I want a break from politics (but I'm a Deal and we can survive off of conservative talk radio, arguing, and red wine so that break is rarely needed), I switch to Sword & Scale. If you haven't given it a listen and you like true crime stuff, I highly recommend it. However, I do not highly recommend it for your morning walk to the train because it can be a bit graphic and hearing about some pervert fantasizing about eating a child may not be the best way to start your day. Take my word for it. I've also been jamming to Taylor's latest album non-stop because she can do no wrong, musically. I will actually fight you if you disagree. Another benefit of this new job is that it happens to be in the same building as Ted Cruz's office. That may seem like a bit of useless trivia to you; for me, it means that every Tuesday, a group* of very dedicated idiots spends the noon hour yelling into a bullhorn about DACA, gun control, and healthcare. Contrary to what they are yelling, this is not what democracy looks like.

* I use the word "group" very...liberally (ironically). It sounds like the same 2 people. Every Tuesday. Probably until they both die.

watching ... Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. Nailed It. Supersize vs. Superskinny.
Sorry for being late to the game by literal years, but Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries is cute and clean and lighthearted for a crime show. I needed a break from my usual Forensic Files and cult documentaries. If you haven't seen Nailed It, it's a baking show on Netflix that is an actual disaster. Terrible, awful, ridiculously optimistic people attempt to imitate trendy baked goods and fail miserably. The host laughs out loud at the contestants multiple times a show. I like a show that makes me feel better about myself. As for that last show...I am full of shame. I am trash. I accept it. I ran through all of the American fat shows, so I've had to move on to mediocre British ones where they constantly say things like "...to prevent Britain from turning into the public health disaster that is the U.S." Not to get political, buuuuuuuut YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY, YOU SNIVELLING, AFFECTED, DOLE-DWELLING, PEDOPHILE-PANDERING, RESTING-ON-YOUR-NONEXISTENT-LAURELS TWITS.

drinking ... so very much coffee. so very much wine.

wearing ... a sweater for the chilly morning, shorts for the 90° afternoon, heels because I'm a professional. We are reaching peak Texas spring.

feeling ... distressed because this past week was my first spring break WITHOUT a break. rude.

wanting ... A SPRING BREAK, DUH.

making ... that money, honey.

reading ... The Count of Monte Cristo. Roanoke, the Abandoned Colony. Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence.
With this new job, the stress has melted right off - the pay is better, my hours are better, the people are better. So now I'm attempting to better myself. I'm attempting The Count of Monte Cristo for the umpteenth time. An abridged version because I take it with me to work and I'm not absurd. We'll see how this goes. My nightstand book is about Roanoke, which I've had a weird obsession with since I was a child. The one unfortunate, bittersweet fact about that is that NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL SO THERE IS NO RESOLUTION. Like...there kind of is no end to this book. My final, for-my-own-welfare book is supposed to help me find inner peace and happiness and whatnot. I got it as a gift from sweet Teresa Mull, who seems to be perfectly content roaming the wild woods of Pennsylvania, so let's hope it has the same effect on me.

traveling ... home from a wedding in Austin. Aggie weddings are fun, but I might advise not to have a wedding in Austin the same weekend as SXSW. Or an outdoor wedding in Texas in March (or ever, really). just a little tip.


This post may be disappointing. idk. maybe I'll get back in the swing of things, maybe this thing will die a natural death. I repeat...idk.

What's My Age Again?

Via Hyperbole and a Half. 

For a long time, I hated the verb "adulting."
It felt patronizing, yet somehow self-congratulatory at the same time.
"Look at my struggle, but see how I'm capable of simple survival!"

But then I developed a theory:
Maybe these infantilizing words and phrases that garner such ridicule from other generations 
and make us seem so childish--words like "adulting"--were invented by those generations so they feel redeemed.
Remember all those times we got blamed for ruining things?
Maybe those older generations were trying the ole misdirection technique:
"Point out what bumbling man-children they are and maybe people will forget that we actually did ruin literally everything always."

And then my brain, which is a dark, tangled web of conspiracy theories and Harry Potter trivia 
(CONSTANT VIGILANCE), 
developed this a little further and decided that not only did those older generations want to distract from their own shortcomings buuuuuuuuuuuut were spending so much time convincing everyone (including us) 
that we're just large toddlers with driver's licenses in order to keep us from doing anything.
So we will always be dependent on them to make decisions and they will always have a place in society 
(other than their rightful place: debtor's prison). 

Or maybe I just made up this theory because I'm desperately trying to redeem my own generation. 
The struggle is real. 

Regardless, having reached the age of 27, lived alone for 5 years, and attained employment as an attorney, 
I still only have fleeting moments where I feel like an adult. 
(Mostly, those come when I pay off my credit card, 
except that feeling is moderated by the fact that my password is one that I've had since 8th grade 
and includes a child's toy.)
But I've recently discovered/purchased some things that make me feel COMPLETELY ADULT, I CONTROL MY DESTINY, NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO. 
And some of these things are embarrassing. 

Like this:
1. Drain Protector

Now, I won't go into details, but you know how other people's bodily functions and whatnot are SUPER GROSS, 
but your own are just whatever?
Well, my hair in the drain was such that my own gag reflex was being activated.
You're welcome for that. 
But I sing the praises of this little guy, and for some reason it makes me feel all responsible.


2. Wine Club

I have been of legal drinking age for a while now 
(and let's be real: did I let a silly thing like age stop me before then?), 
but getting a box full of wine delivered straight to my door is v v adult. 
The pace at which I drink it is v v college, but whatever. 


And speaking of wine...
3. Medium-cheap Wine

Frugal, not miserly. 
Always aiming for post-trauma Scrooge (except my generosity benefits me, not Muppets). 


4. Real furniture

Before now, I had a bed frame that was approximately 3 inches off the ground. 
That is not an exaggeration. 
I made myself feel better about my glorified sleeping bag with the knowledge that there was no possible way a man 
(or woman #genderbias) could fit under my bed to kill me in the night.
So really this new furniture is kind of an inconvenience because I have to go to sleep fearing for my life. 
Win some, lose some. 


5. Gym membership
And planning out my weekly gym seshes. 
And meal planning and prepping. 
And comparison shopping for a new heart rate monitor (RIP). 
Basically, trying to outrun my sedentary lifestyle (thanks, #lawlyfe!) 
and just survive to middle age makes me feel very adult. 
I feel very adult walking into the gym after work in my bus caj (business casual, OBVS), 
sometimes checking that last minute text/email from ole Big Boss about an important case.
JK I don't check my email after work hahahahahahaha 
But really guys: Polar H7 or some variation of a Fitbit?? I DON'T KNOW AND MY LONGEVITY MAY DEPEND ON IT. 


So I may be turning into an adult!
But then I remember that April and Andy were technically adults, so I'm not convinced that "adult" means anything.

Also I'm pretty sure I've been 70 since I was 10, so who knows. 

Lawyerish to Lawyerly

This is just the truthiest of truths for me, at the moment. A month ago, I had a whole update written 
about the job I had and taking the bar exam and all of my life changes. 
And a few days after I wrote aaaaaaaall of that out, my life changed again: 
I got a new job that looks to be long-lasting. I passed that bar exam (!!!). I started that new job.
So the Texas version of that well-used Gatsby quote: life started all over again when it got below 90° in the fall. 

A quick recap, because I hate to trash a decent blog draft:
Life got away from me again. But this time I have the best excuse ever: THE BAR EXAM.
(It is completely necessary to use all caps when referring to THE BAR EXAM. It's out of my hands.) 
It is, without a shadow of a doubt, the dumbest thing I have ever done in my entire life. 
I may end up recapping the full BAR EXAM experience in a future post,
but I still need some time to work through my PTSD. 

For now, I'm working a semi-lawyer job in the oil & gas industry.
Which, given my background, makes complete sense, right? 😐
Unfortunately, I don't get to wear a cute pink hardhat to work, but I'm now comfortable using oil & gas jargon in real life.

LOL oil, right?

I know where the major shale fields are located, people trust me to work on deals worth crazy amounts of money, and I don't immediately starting giggling when someone talks about the unit they're working on.
So I'm basically an adult. 
Also, I work in an office where half of the employees have "Make Oil and Gas Great Again" hats, 
so it's been a nice change of pace from the liberal hell of law school. 

However, I will always & forever assume "OG" means Original Gangster, and not Oil & Gas.
That's just who I am as a person. 


And now! Now I am a pirate. A pirate lawyer. A lawyer for pirates. A maritime attorney. Something like that.

I get to go on ships! I get to travel! I get to refer to people as Admiral! It's all very exciting. 
Eventually, I will maritime and admiralty with the best of them, but being a baby lawyer is exhausting and stressful 
and a very steep learning curve. 
For now, I do my research: Moby Dick, The Odyssey, Old Man & the Sea, Finding Nemo. 
All the greats, obviously. With rum in hand. 
No one ever accused me of not committing to the theme.