Five Stages of Wedding Planning

T minus 2 months until D-Day. 

D(omestic Partnership)-Day, that is. 

(And I fully understand that I'm mixing wars with that gif. And I fully don't care.)

Wedding planning has sent me over the edge, guys. 

You know when you see something super odd or tacky at a wedding, 
and you immediately judge the bride for that decision she made while not at all under immense stress?

Be gentle, friends. Bridal brain is the new baby brain.

I recently started wholeheartedly planning a "The Wedding Singer"-themed rehearsal dinner.

In my head, it would be hilarious and casual and fun. And maybe it could be.

But it would also be confusing and gauche and odd. So I stopped.

(Reality: I only stopped when I realized Billy Idol probably wouldn't be able to attend.)

I had my first real wedding nightmare the other night: 
It was time for the first dance, and I looked at Tyler and said, "We never took dance lessons!" 
In response, he swung me onto the dance floor and we did a perfect, awful rendition of the Charlie Brown dance:

And now I can't stop thinking about me in my wedding dress flinging my head from side to side 
and prancing like a crazed Irish dancer who forgot what her upper body is supposed to do.
So if anyone's got an ambien prescription, I wouldn't say no.

I'm not entirely certain why I went with a war/military theme for this one.
Maybe because I feel like I've been engaging in a year long battle with literally everyone, including myself.
Or maybe because I was drafted into this whole wedding thing without any say. 
Kidding, obvi. 
This process has been super fun and I would totally do it again 
because I had to pick a single wedding vision out of so many and that's just not fair.
So Tyler, be prepared for a vow renewal every 5 years or so.

If I've done a "Five Stages of Grief" parody post already, you have my apologies.
Difficult emotions are meant to be dealt with through dark humor,  yes?

And I'm truly not trying to make a mockery of war.
It's just that...love is a battlefield.

The Five Stages of Grief Wedding Planning

1. Denial

A whole year to plan? Smooth sailing. 

Except I forgot that my level of efficiency when working solo is extremely hampered when other people are introduced into the equation. Because other people are stupid. 
(That's not to say I'm exceedingly intelligent. But the masses are just so. damn. dumb.)

Goose dies and Henry Blake dies and Bubba dies AND THERE IS NO GETTING OUT OF THIS ALIVE.

2. Anger

The combination of work, wedding planning, dealing with familial expectations (from both sides), and trying to be gracious and lighthearted and fun is just too much.

And I don't think anyone's ever described me as gracious and lighthearted and fun during normal times, let alone during this incredibly stressful period.

Tyler and I watched the latest Bill Burr special last night, and I feel he is my kindred spirit. It's more than a shared fear of the coming robot wars, though.

We both get rage-y. 

And apparently, planning the happiest day of my life makes me especially rage-y.

Everyone is stupid and slow and stupid.

Also adding to the anger:

What the actual hell are wedding dress sizes?

Take a girl, already anxious and indecisive and stressed, and tell her she's 2+ sizes bigger than she's been walking around believing.

Not to make light of the mass shooting situation, but I am honestly a lil surprised

there aren't more of those at bridal boutiques.

3. Bargaining

Now, don't get me wrong; I am a Fortunate Son.
But the wedding industry is the new military-industrial complex, and basic white girls are feeding the beast. Everything is expensive and stupid social media makes you feel like everything is necessary. And I am 100% culpable. 
Do I need outfit changes and lounge furniture and giant props?
Of course not. 
But am I feeling pressured to include all of those things, like my wedding is a Taylor Swift concert? Absolutely.
Except I'm also cheap as hell so I'm trying to wheel and deal my way through this. 

Indiana Jones totally counts as a war movie and I will stand by that statement until I die.

You know who doesn't haggle? Wedding vendors.  

Stop, children, what's that sound? 
The sound of my last two pennies forlornly clinking together. 

4. Depression

There is no end in sight. 
I foolishly believed I could front load this whole situation and float by for a few months.
See above re: everyone being stupid.
I'm not functioning on my timetable. I'm functioning on the timetable of people who think more than a week is a totally acceptable email response time. 
They are not having to find paper, sharpen a quill, refill the inkpot, wait until the next day because they ran out of daylight and the candle supply is running low, and then pay an orphan/carrier pigeon a shilling to deliver the note. 
I would be (relatively) satisfied if they simply responded with the thumbs up emoji.

This is veering into anger again, so to get back on track:
Everything has taken far longer than it should because of general incompetence. 
Man makes plans and God laughs and Mary Angela drinks. 

5. Acceptance

Two months out.
Things are mostly planned.
I've been told repeatedly that things are going to go wrong, and to just accept that.
To which I say: suck it. 

Things I've accepted:
- the unfailing disappointment of humanity;
- the limitations of my budget as compared to that of Kim & Kanye;
- the fact that I will have to continue working very hard over the next 2 months to make everything work.

Things I have not and will not accept:
- that I should just stop trying because something unknown is going to go wrong.

That is the defeatist, bitter attitude of people who failed to properly plan.
THIS WEDDING WILL. NOT. DEFEAT ME. 

Bonus: 
Running relentless as the River Kwai throughout the entire process is my personal favorite: anxiety. 
Personality-wise, I'm a fun combination of Type A and indecisive.
So I've been attempting to make decisions quickly and efficiently, and then questioning every decision I've made.

Pray for me. 

2018: My Year in [Trump] Gifs

2018 was the year I finally got my life together (she said for the 5th year in a row). 

But I mean it this time. Mostly because there really isn't any other option.

This year, I dedicate my end-of-year gif journey to our lord and savior, Donald Trump. 

January

I have almost no memory of January, aside from spending New Years in Dallas with some of my favorite people.
Most of the month has been memory-holed because my job was the worst and I cried a lot. 🤷‍♀️

February

February got real. I quit another job, guys!
At this point, if anyone needs advice on quitting...please don't come to me because I'm still terrified of confrontation and this last experience was a whole different kind of mess.
I submitted my resignation letter fully expecting them to do the normal thing and not make me finish out the notice period. Joke was on me, though, because not only did they expect me to keep working, they also wanted me to represent the boss's wife in traffic court.
Y'all, I won't represent myself in traffic court. My legal* advice: own up to being a bad driver, pay the damn fine and move on.
Fortunately, I immediately got a terrible case of the flu and told them that I wouldn't be able to come in for about...two weeks. Wiggled myself out of that one, right?
NOPE. Lawyers are the worst and there is no leaving on your own terms. This law firm was Hotel California.
In a wholly unsurprising move, they immediately threatened legal action against me.

It took a full week of insincere apologies (combined with refusals to back down), explanations of Texas employment law (lawyers love when you explain the law to them), and even texting a picture of my thermometer before they stopped emailing me.

I started a new job as soon as I escaped from the grips of fever, and haven't looked back since.

*By "legal" I mean "completely casual, not at all legal." I am not your lawyer. You are not paying me. You're an adult and traffic court is dumb; make your own decisions.

March-April

A blur. At this point, Tyler was still in school and I was working nonstop.
I'm fairly certain March and April just didn't happen.

May

Tyler graduated! I took an elbow to the head at a Papa Roach concert! Tyler started bar prep.
May was a rollercoaster.

June

In this hottest of times in the hottest of swamps, THE A/C IN MY CAR STOPPED WORKING.
This was a month of thirst.
So I parked her in the Third Ward and set her on fire.
Except in reality, I parked her in my garage and went to Louisiana with my parents for a bit.
(If you've ever considered going to Walker Percy Weekend in St. Francisville, do it! Bourbon for dayz.)

July

Tyler took the bar exam and I experienced a tremendous amount of PTSD.
We both need(ed) emotional therapy dogs.

August-September

Is this how life works? Months just disappear because nothing of note happened?
Do I have a Swiss cheese brain?
Or did I accidentally eat too many Tide pods?
(Remember that that was a thing?? 2018 was a wild ride.)

October

Tyler got a (very impressive and will keep me in the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed) job! And passed the bar!
We fancy dined! We drank! We treated ourselves!
And then we took a three day nap that was two years overdue.

November

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I am proud to announce my latest collection entitled "Ring in Front of Christmas Decorations."
(But really, girlfriend looks good in red, am I right?)

December

Engaged, the perfect job, and (mom's old) Lexus? I AM THRIVING.

A few questions I've asked in the 4+ weeks since getting engaged:
Are live peacocks too extra?
Where did Kanye get that giant flower wall?
How long was Priyanka's train and, hypothetically and totally unrelated, how long is the aisle at the cathedral?
I wonder what Donald and Melania are doing next fall?

Gird your loins, people.

A certain grumpy, no fun fiance who shall remain nameless has banned the words "bling" and "glitter" from our wedding lexicon, but luckily ya girl is an actual walking thesaurus so there will be plenty of *ahem* sparkle. (Suck it, Tyler.)

Wedding Motto: WWM(elania/Mariah)D?

We have a date, a church, and a reception venue. I'm basically done, right?
I've gone full-on Type A on this wedding planning and partially created at least 4 wedding websites because I am an actually insane person.
(In my defense, while there is [a lot of] overlap, each website offers different features and designs
AND THIS IS MY WEDDING SO BACK THE HELL UP IF YOU WANT AN INVITE.)

Honorary December gif:

100 pounds, Your Majesty. IT'S WEDDING SEASON. 

Happy New Year!

Favorite Things Lately

As entitled, my favorite things lately:

« Wedding Weekend in Colorado»

A friend from long, long ago in my childhood

(and more recently, from college)

got married!

We got to take a little weekend trip up to Denver/Golden, CO.

It was Augie's first plane ride and he did really well!

UD weddings are always super fun, and this one was no exception. 

The DFW contingent of the Deals (Cat, Josh, Augie, and I) arrived first

and flying makes one hungry.

On our quest to find sustenance, we discovered a kebab stand!

Like our days in Europe! It was magical!

The man questioned our knowledge of kebabs, but we set him straight. 

This isn't a very good picture, but Augie wore his skinny jeans for the first time. 

When in Denver, do as the hipsters do...

The wedding was held at the cathedral in Denver:

Terrible panorama because I have issues controlling myself when there are buttons to push:

Mini-circus tent:

The groom's brother was recently ordained, so he said the wedding Mass!

He gave the hands-down best wedding homily I've ever heard. 

No pressure for the next one...

Augie met his future wife, the adorable little girl of Cat's classmates from UD. 

Jose was clearly getting in the way of their looooove connection. 

We used to play together as small children, so Mom had to get a few photos:

This is an awkward picture because I didn't know how to pose with

a) someone I haven't seen in years, and

b) a fresh-out-of-the-oven priest. 

Mumsie + Father Henry

Congratulations, Thomas & Michelle!

«Chet Baker Sings»

I'm not at all embarrassed to say that I was reminded of this 

via my newsfeed on Facebook. 

But I will say that I listened to this album

almost obsessively senior year of high school. 

My music theory course made me fairly pretentious about my tune-age.

Go ahead, give it a listen. 

You'll feel automatically smarter. 

« The books from my AP history classes in high school»

I am having serious issues with nostalgia, or something. 

Post-grad life has me feeling stupid, mostly because I don't read

nearly as often as I used to/UD forced me to. 

I hated reading these in high school, 

but now I really appreciate them and might actually order them on Amazon. 

A little Victor Davis Hanson never hurt anyone. 

«Kate Spade Beau Bag»

Like all the good bloggers recently, 

I've fallen in love with the Kate Spade Beau bag. 

The black one is great:

But the one I reeeeeally want is this glorious creature:

Of course, it's a good $500 more expensive. 

Lindsay Bluth taste on an Ann Hog budget. 

«Nancy Pelosi Being Denied Communion»

Sucks to suck, Nance. 

My least favorite thing lately:

WTF, TEXAS?? I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU.

Wedding Weekend: College Carousing

I'm writing this with a barely-functioning brain. 

I got back late-ish last night from a wedding in Florida, 

so obviously everyone should be jealous

but also I might have killed my few remaining brain cells. 

This lovely angel-face from my awesome college days was getting MARRIED!

I remember when we were (so it seemed) the only 2 from our group of friends left in the dorm.

That made for some amazing/weird memories.

Now she's a little wifey!

Their gorgeous wedding invitation

This wedding weekend made me feel like a real adult at times, 
but like SUCH a child at other moments. 

I took off work Friday & Saturday
(again I say it, my work schedule is the worst)
so I could fly out Friday afternoon.
Adult moment #1: I had to park my car at the airport for the weekend.
I'd never had to do that myself before, so I felt mature & responsible.

Wore these beauts to the airport. I would come to regret that later that evening.

I had big plans to get a drink (or three) on the flight over, 
but 
Child moment #1: I'm the worst flier ever & have to take medicine and pass out
in order to not die. Flight uneventful. 

Adult moment #2: I took a taxi to the hotel when I arrived in West Palm Beach. 
Clearly, I've taken a taxi before, but when the situation does not involve me being drunk & trying to get home safely, I feel like an adult. (Sorry, Mom.)

When I got to the hotel, the lovely ladies I was rooming with 
were at the rehearsal dinner, 
so that was my cue to quickstep to the hotel bar. 
10 minutes & two drinks later, Mr. Bartender & I were besties. 
(He complimented my "fancy shoes" so I knew it was fate.)
Luckily, some friends met me in the bar later, so I didn't look like a complete drunk.

Fast forward: the morning of the wedding. 
Roomies/Bridesmaids were getting ready early
while I watched & made them drinks. 
(Aren't I just the best?)
Mistakes, y'all. 

Apparently, this is called a "Cuban Screw". I called it acceptable. 

We then moved on to champagne. 
At this point, I'd had a banana & alcohol. 
Child moment #2: I didn't understand my limitations. 

Beauts: bottle & Bridesmaids style.

After ushering them off in style, I got ready.

Two pictures because I'm vain.

I met up with people & went on over to the church. 
However, we were super early. 
What's the only solution?
One friend stayed behind to look at the church, 
and Drea & I went off to find "somewhere to sit". 
(Neither of us wanted to say "bar", but we were on the hunt.)

Child moment #3: still not knowing my limitations. 
2 for 1 drinks? I'm obligated to get 2, duh. 

Beautiful St. Ann's in West Palm Beach:

My two-cocktail hands made things a little blurry. Sorry. 

Their priest gave a great homily

& the love was tangible. 

Everything you could want on your big day.

Reception time!

Lucky Table 13. 

We were situated right next to the bar

and I can't help but wonder if Emily knew what she was doing. 

Sadly, I don't have many good pictures from the reception. 

Too much dancing & drinking, I suppose. 

No regrets. 

Classic sparkler exit. 
So happy!

Wedding's don't come without drama, 
so Adult moment #3 was throwing off my drunkenness 
to comfort a friend. 
I am just so selfless, guys. 

Clearly, we weren't done partying yet. 
An outfit change was necessary & then on to regroup at the hotel bar. 

UD folks don't really understand the purpose of decorative glasses. 
Lesson: it takes a solid amount of beer before the taste of Strawberrita is diluted. 
Child moment #4, I guess. 

Florida calls for a midnight walk to the beach. 
In my drunk-vulnerable state, 
I didn't quite catch that it was a 3-mile walk. 
Worth it. 

After walking back, I got to reminisce with college friends, 
which is the most wonderful of things. 
Adult moment #4: being able to reminisce about college. 
Getting old, y'all. 

Oh, and I saw a drawbridge in action.

One last picture of the blushing bride, courtesy of Kate P.:

Can you even believe how gorgeous she is??

Mission EJHWedding: Accomplished.

Also, I move on Thursday. 
Ask me how many boxes I've packed.
(Hint: this is the only one.)