1. Panic attacks
|Don't act like you know me, WebMD.|
2. Bank statements
In today's world of disappearing snapchats and unfriendable friends, why on earth would I want a written account of my mistakes?
3. Grad school
No one wants to rack up MORE debt, but it's necessary for any sort of decent job. The last time I celebrated "no school ever againnnnn!", I ended up hating my job and having two options: go back to school to become an administrator, or go back to school for something entirely different. I will never jinx myself like that ever again. If this whole lawyer thing doesn't work out, I'm taking an new path altogether - trophy wife. No BA, or JD, or MBA (or anything but DDs) necessary.
4. Possibly having to move back in with your parents
I did this for a couple of months before law school, and it really doesn't have to be so bad. But let it go too long, and there is a definite danger of devolving into your high school self. Not cute.
5. #PicturePerfect Insta
This should have been right after "Panic attacks", because this seems like a chicken-or-the-egg situation. The anxiety causes me to not sleep, except maybe I can't properly deal with my anxiety because of the insomnia. I'm either not sleeping at all, or getting AWFUL sleep. Last night, I dreamed of a child serial killer (THANKS, CRIM LAW). There's no winning.
7. Fake FOMO
I'm a rather difficult creature, in this regard. I get slight FOMO, but I also only want to stay at home forever. However, I get the feeling that this isn't so rare. It seems like everyone wants to stay in and Netflix on the weekends. So why can't we all just admit it? Stop pretending that you have the energy to stand in crowded bars and yell at people over the pounding music. Just stop. Succumb to it. Pour yourself a glass of wine, curl up in your Snuggie, and binge-watch your trashy TV of choice.
8. Networking Happy Hours
I have literally nothing to offer anyone, job-wise. There is no way to present that in an attractive manner. Whoever decided it would be a good idea to mix job-poor people with an alcohol-rich environment deserves the cruelest and most unusual punishment.
9. Modern dating
I have legitimately never heard anyone say that they love the way dating has changed with the times. Maybe I hang out with a weird group, but every. single. person I have talked with wonders what happened. Beyond the modern feminist that I am, I used Tinder for a hot minute and was just super scandalized. I have heard some Tinder success stories, but that was NOT my experience. I'm not demanding much: ask me out, feed me a meal, converse with me like a human. In fact, the meal is optional because I know a lot of us are poor students. JUST DON'T LEAD WITH A SEXUAL INNUENDO (in your end-o [I'm sorry, I had to (that's what she said)]). <-- I apologize for that punctuation.
I've complained about this before. But, at the law firm I worked for, I was the only person, aside from the attorneys, with a college degree. And I got paid the least.
And because that was thoroughly depressing, here's some things we really love.
So exhale as we count down...
10. Remix to Ignition
I've found that this is universal. Everyone simply loves this song.
This man: famous for urinating on girls, getting Trapped in the Closet, and bringing together an entire generation. We should probably just blast this on the intercom at Gitmo.
9. Happy Hour
No pressure to network. Not the intensity of a real night out. Just a lot of decently-priced alcohol and the option to not speak to anyone.
8. Trips back to undergrad
In what world would I not want to relive my college days--excessive drinking, silly dance parties, weird sleeping locations, and all--without the stress of actually being in college? If ever there comes a day when I willingly turn that down, put me out of my misery.
7. New friends
Making friends post-grad was super difficult, at first. That's probably because I was teaching at a school where the mean age of the teachers was about 40. When your co-workers can't stop talking about how young you are, there's probably not a great possibility of friendship. My policy: as long as you're old enough to drink with me, we're good. In law school, this has spurred a number of friendships I never could have anticipated. Misery loves company & company loves alcohol. I think that's how that saying goes.
6. New relationships
Blah blah blah I'mbeingsappyeverythingiswonderfulmoveon blah blah blah
But really. For those of us who lived in a bubble for 4 years and then stayed in that bubble for 2 more years (ahem), new possibilities are kind of great. UD was a super incestuous place, which was just disconcerting. The idea of dating someone completely unknown is scary and exciting and something real adults might do. Schweird.
Sure, I choose to Netflix most nights. But, oh, the possibilities! There were plenty of times when I would get off work from Anthro at 11 or 12, and someone would call about getting drinks at the Rustic (Emilyyyyyyyy). And I worked every Saturday at 8 AM, but that didn't stop me from hitting Katy Ice House on Friday night. Nowadays, I make the responsible choice, but I like knowing that I have the freedom to do whatever I waaaaant (within reason, because money or whatever).
So all of that stuff I mentioned about those enviable Insta accounts remains true. Except in the time it took them to filter the hell out of that picture of their lobster-stuffed avocado and cilantro-lime margarita with artistically-placed sunglasses and perfectly-manicured hand (SO MANY HYPHENATIONS JUST THEN), I drank 3 margaritas + ate a couple of street tacos and now we're playing Cards Against Humanity while trying to make as many legal puns as possible. So I'll take my unfiltered, imperfect (but still Instagrammable) life.
When I was growing up, my parents weren't the lushes they are now (loooooove y'all!). But I can remember my mom having a glass of wine every now and then, and I thought it was just weird and unknown and adult. Once I started student teaching & working, I understood. Post-work wine is not a luxury; it is a necessity for survival (mine and everyone else's). As a type this, I'm sitting down to my I-just-studied-constitutional-law-all-day glass of wine. It's wine or a bullet through my brain. Wine is a lot less messy.
Do you remember how this blog started in the first place? A surplus of sarcasm + an insatiable need for attention + a shortage of employment = PWG. The instability of your 20s makes it the perfect time for blaming anyone and everyone for your insignificant problems. Dig real deep; I'm sure you can find some way your getting charged extra for guac is right up there next to the persecution of Christians in the Middle East.
There is no rhyme or reason to this list. I apologize. I couldn't think of another thing we all love, and then I realized that, just like Remix to Ignition, I've never heard of anyone who hates Schmidt. He's the perfect combination of attractive + awkward + smug + Jewish. And as I have a strange love for all things Semitic, he's obviously my favorite.
This may be the last time you hear from me. Ever. I have an 8-hour Constitutional Law exam on Tuesday, so I anticipate that killing me. I leave no Will, as I haven't taken that class yet, so everyone can just divide my garments by lot. I remember reading about that somewhere (kiddinggggg). But really, wish me luck or help me cheat. One of the two.