"Am I Even Allowed Here?" Is the Title of My Biography

So...hi. It's been awhile. Weird how that happened. Am I even allowed back?

Let's all blame it on Obama and have a moment of silence for his failed presidency & final days in office (not that we're counting down or anything). 

And now let's refocus on me:

I start my final day of law school tomorrow. 

WHO LET THIS HAPPEN. 

Remember when I went to law school - on a whim - just to avoid having to be an adult?

Nobody told me it would go so quickly and adulthood would once again loom menacingly on the horizon!

Quick recap of the minuscule, teeny, so-slight-you-must-have-imagined-it time during which I neglected dear old blog (and the reason for the title of this post):

I spent a fair amount of the spring semester secluded in my journal office studying into the wee hours of the morning, repeatedly asking the security guard if it was okay for me to be there at such weird times. 

For the first half of the summer, I worked as a law clerk at a small firm, where I was treated horribly and given far more responsibility than I felt ready for. Weekly happy hour was spent checking that everyone else felt just as inadequate and not-at-all-prepared-for-real-life (misery loves company and whatnot.)

I interned in a court during the second half of the summer, and I got to sit with the bailiff during a capital murder trial. Naturally, I asked anyone who even remotely appeared to be a responsible adult if I should be there because aRE YOU KIDDING ME THERE WAS A MURDERER IN THE ROOM WITH ME I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE CALLED MY MOM FOR PERMISSION.

In the fall, I took on far too many responsibilities and people kept coming to me for advice, so I learned the fine art of inwardly asking if I should even be here ("here" being law school, in a position of authority, adulthood, etc.). I also learned exactly how quickly I can finish an entire bottle of wine and still wake up in time to fight downtown Houston traffic. 

And now we are here. 

The start of my final semester. 

If you are wondering what spring semester of 3L looks like:

 And if you are wondering what spring semester of 3L feels like, it's a combination of:

and

The next few months of this blog will likely look eerily similar to the first few months of this blog - a desperate search for a job, figuring out what I want to do in life (this time focused on lawyerly stuff), and a lot of feigned-but-often-very-real apathy. 

My saving grace: remembering some of the folks who failed even harder than I did for even longer than I did. 

• Kristen Wiig: job-hopped (probably a barista, TBH) until SNL found her at age 32
• JK Rowling: unemployed & super depressed before HP was published when she was 31
• Andrea Bocelli: went to law school & worked as a lawyer for a year before being discovered AND LEFT THE LEGAL FIELD BEHIND TO JUST SING HIS LITTLE HEART OUT (obviously my personal fave)

Wish me luck! Or send wine. Whatever. 

Except now I'm 26. EXCEPT NOW I'M 26. 

Sheezus

Accidental hiatus over? We'll see. 

I don't know that anything's really changed; I've just learned to navigate the darkness. (Let that depressing statement linger for a while.)

On that happy note...

I don't fancy myself a feminist. 

And maybe it's just the effect of law school. Or being alone again for the first time in a little while and all the overthinking that comes of that. 
But my newfound feminista is also born of experience. 

My pre-law career didn't prepare me for any sort of sexism. 
Miss Honey, Ms. Frizzle, Ms. Krabappel, Miss Bliss (bless her heart for holding on to that "Miss" as long as possible). 
The image of the female elementary teacher is prevalent in pop culture.
If a potential employer was expecting something else, that was really their fault. 

And then I went to law school.

I spent the last month of school in desperation, studying for finals while going on interview after interview in search of summer employment.
One interview in particular had me so unsettled that I mentioned it to several friends:

During this interview, I was asked what my sister and mother do for a living. Odd, irrelevant question, right?
Upon hearing that they both chose the arduous and never-ending career of stay-at-home mothering, the conversation took a turn. I was told that I should ascertain whether the legal field was right for me because it is incredibly time consuming. 
My interviewer also inquired as to my relationship status. He oh-so-helpfully advised that, if I have a significant other who will be put off by my working late in the evening, I need to choose my relationship over my career.

I walked away absolutely certain that they would be offering the position to literally anyone else who happened to possess a Y chromosome.
I walked away also doubting myself - was I reading too much into that?
Nope. 
The question I kept coming back to was: Would he have said any of that to a man?

This type of thing - not this exact situation, but little comments or situations that are ever-so-slightly discriminatory -  is not at all uncommon. 

Stories get passed around at our weekly happy hours. I won't be so audacious as to call them war stories, but for privileged white girls who (fingers crossed) won't have to face the draft, office buildings and law firms are our Yorktown in the revolution against crusty old men who just need to die or retire already.

PLOT TWIST!
I'm working at that law firm because F*** Bitches, Get Money, amiright?
But really, I needed some income. #paycheck>principles


So this one goes out to some of my favorite lady lawyers:

>>Ainsley Hayes
In the first of her far-too-few appearances on the West Wing, Ainsley is shown absolutely owning the cute boy (on live TV, no less) after being wholly underestimated by his entire political party. 
A brainy, conservative, socially awkward blonde? HI, KINDRED SPIRIT.

Ainsley would agree with me: the feminist movement is inane and embarrassing, but we (occasionally) still need to wave that banner.

>>Elle Woods
Elle did it for a boy. And then she did it for herself. That is realistic & inspiring.

There are lots of lessons to be learned from Legally Blonde:
Don't write people off based on first impressions. Or second impressions. 
Get your motivation from yourself.
Exercise prevents prison sentences. 

And a lesson I'm in the process of learning:

>>Margaret Thatcher
Asses kicked by the Iron Lady: communism, inflation, government spending, Argentina. 
All while raising twins. 

>>Honorable Mention: C.J. Cregg & Donna (from Suits)
While not a lawyer, C.J. Cregg was close enough to the law to count. She handled being White House Press Secretary with wit and stood up to the President a time or two. I support it.

And Donna is my lady love.

For the record: I am nothing like Miranda. Gross. 

To summarize: 

May we all become the lawyers our parents hoped we'd marry,

We Found [No] Love in a Hopeless Place

It's been a while...again. I've been going through some shit. I normally try not to gratuitously curse, but it's not gratuitous. Everything is awful, terrible, cry-your-eyes-out shit.

But it's made my sense of humor darker (if possible) so there's always a silver lining, right?

I never wanted to blog about my relationship. It seemed too jinx-y and intimate. But luckily, I'm not in a relationship anymore. 😐

Note: This may seem inappropriately soon and make it appear like the relationship didn't mean anything to me. If only you knew. Humor is Stages 1-5 of my 5-stage grief management process. So shut your stupid mouth.

Breakups are hard. Breakups in law school defy description. This is how I've been surviving: 

Law School Breakup Survival Kit

>> Seating Charts

All the law school prep books recommend against sitting next to your significant other in class. I understand that now. On the bright side, it gives us a chance to chat that we probably wouldn't take otherwise + forced interaction may be the best way to push past this and be friends. (Like, actual friends. It's possible, damnit.)

>> WINE

As Donna Meagle says, "Wine is crying juice." And she is far from wrong. 

>> Terrible-wonderful food

There's an ancient San Antonian remedy that is said to cure nearly anything: chips and salsa. One of the few exceptions to this panacea: obesity. I've been doing a lot of emotional eating recently. Like...too much. I'm basically ensuring that I will never find anyone else unless I go on one of those gross fetish dating sites for chubby chasers. But it's helping to numb the pain in my heart...unless that's just the feeling of my arteries clogging. 

>> Distractions

To attempt to counteract the assault I've been launching on my bod via grief grub, I've maintained my gym schedule. I've also doubled down on work for school, requested extra tasks for journal, and started some recreational reading. I spend a lot of time in the sub-basement at school (which is just as cheery as it sounds) because I get more accomplished when my surroundings reflect my mood + there are people nearby. Literally anything to keep my mind off of the tragic void that is my life.

>> Television

Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Video. Another distraction technique. I'm now involved in approximately 18 television shows. I'm living vicariously through fictional characters. I think I'm handling this breakup in a completely healthy manner, right?

>> Really fantastic friends who let you cry in public without judgment

Or if they are judging, they don't say anything. And that's just as nice. Nail salons, bars, restaurants, the parking lot of the law school--there really isn't a place that is off-limits to my emotions. But really, my friends have been great. I'm working harder on socializing, so that can be the good thing that comes out of this...I guess. 

In all honesty, I'm going to be okay. Don't read this as a cry for help. I'm currently wallowing in my sorrows with relish. It turns out I'm super good at mourning. We all have our skill set. 

Welcome to Law-Law-Land

I don't know why this one has been so hard to write. Wrapping up 1L year, starting an internship, and filling my weekends with travel + training has wiped me of all creativity and comedy. I'm currently laid up in bed, covered in the most heinous-looking mosquito bites ever seen, high on my own special type of purple drank (Benadryl + red wine because a girl's gotta get her Peeno Noir Midsize Car on), so I figured now is as good a time as any to overcome my writer's block.

Finishing 1L, I finally feel like this whole law school thing is actually happening. As we all know, I don't have the greatest track record with sticking with real life decisions. (If I ever say that I'm going to teach at a law school, shoot me.) A year down and $50,000 of Uncle Sam's Monopoly money, and I guess I will fully commit to this thing. So here are some things I learned from my first year in this hellhole:

>> Be afraid. Be very afraid. 

There are too many reasons to be afraid of law school. (1) Lawyers are terrible. Future lawyers are even worse. These people are just asshats. Asshats who will wield a fair amount of power in the future. (2) Doing poorly is bad, but doing well is also kinda sucky because then you have all sorts of commitments like Law Review and whatnot. I wouldn't know. (3) At the end of this, there's THE BAR.

>> Summertime sadness.
Class is finished, exams are over, and now you get 3 long months of relaxation. 

Apparently, law school summers mean working full-time (often for free or academic credit, which you can't even exchange for wine WTH AMERICA) and also probably taking a class because who needs free time after 9 months of terrible?? You spent a good portion of spring semester searching for a summer internship and you got one! Yay! Rest on those laurels, right? Except now you have to spend your summer searching for a fall internship. It never ends.

>> Hydrate.
Shout out to the one who's been there for me through all the tough times: WINE.

But water has been my savior this past year. Bored at work? Drink a ton of water and then you have an excuse to get up and walk around every so often. Don't want to get called on in class? Drink a ton of water and you have an excuse to get up and walk around every so often.

>> I am way underqualified. for everything. but so is everyone else.

I have zero skillz to offer law firms. I don't really think that feeling goes away. As someone who constantly underestimates herself, I anticipate feeling ill-prepared and unqualified until the day I die. If you are ever a future client of mine, I apologize.

But having taken classes all year with a bunch of future lawyers, let me tell you: avoid legal trouble. at least I only think that I'm un(der)qualified; I know for a fact that many of these people (who will eventually pass THE BAR) are stupid as hell. so seriously, avoid having to hire one of these idiots.

>> professional school =/= professionalism

Oh, how I miss the "drama" at UD. I thought that was bad. law school is what I imagine high school was like for people who peaked in high school. except with a ton more stress and a lot less parental supervision. 

These people don't seem to understand how judgmental I am and how long my memory is. You may think that, 10 years from now, I'll be able to see you at happy hour and not recall your drunken lesbian hook-up with a section-mate on Halloween, but think again. Think again.

>> Embrace the douche

Law students are the absolute worst. I include myself in that. But let us have this. Because the job market sucks, we'll be slaving away for the next 50 years to pay off loans, and everybody already hates us. Embracing the douche ("climbing down" as Jack Donaghy would say) just makes us feel better about these super-iffy choices we've made in our lives.



I had a bunch more things I learned. I promise. But I just finished a super hard workout + it's a million degrees outside + lots and lots of wine. My brain is done.

P.S. My mom has been repeatedly requesting another blog post, so I'm hoping that this will spur her to deposit a little something-something into my bank account. Preferably before I have to pay rent again. Because I may not be able to. #nomoneymoproblems

Currently: I Fought the Law and the Law Won

reading | um, more like avoiding reading. 

writing | STOP PRESSURING ME TO BE PRODUCTIVE. 

listening | this super depressing playlist I found on Spotify. Because I am an emo child and I need my music to reflect/amplify my mood. But also, I can't stop listening to The Last Goodbye from the Hobbit. Pippin got infinitely more attractive when he revealed his musical abilities.

thinking | Is this Quarter Life Crisis, Part 2 OR just your average another-semester-of-law school breakdown? If it's the former, does that mean I've been in a continuous life crisis for months now without realizing it? And if it's the latter, I have at least 4 more breakdowns to looks forward to (if I only have one per semester - HA!). Is this what depression feels like? Do I have an anxiety disorder? Am I just being dramatic (duh)?

watching | The Good Wife. Big Law looks terrifying and fun and I don't think I want any part in it. But every so often, I know the legalisms they're talking about on the show and I feel super smart. So there's that. HOWEVER, they just killed off the love of my life, so I'm currently traumatized and unable to read for class. my professors will accept that excuse, right?

smelling | nothing? is my nose no longer working? do I have nose cancer? just another thing to worry about. 

hoping | there is no hope. (I just realized that I've said that before. it remains true.)

wearing | boxers + a t-shirt. so seductive.

loving | the repeal of the 18th Amendment (see below) and the weather lately!

drinking | red wine. duh.

wanting | the entire Lilly Pulitzer for Target line. good grades. better motivation. a beach body. relief from at least some of the things that are stressing me out. a furry friend to pet. 

needing | to remember to set the coffee for tomorrow morning. If I could afford servants, I would have one whose only job was to brew coffee & make it perfectly according to my preferences. 

feeling | overwhelmed. but as a great/crazy lady once said: "There's no crying in law school. Either Tom Hanks or Thomas Jefferson said that. Or both. I think both." 

So we shall overcome. Is that an inappropriate reference for a privileged white girl to make? Whatever. 

clicking | The Catholic Church finally getting on my level?  Yes, please. 

An Unfunny Explanation

I just had a weird emotional breakdown (first one of law school!) and cried while online shopping and bought another pair of cowboy boots. I don't need another pair. I can't afford another pair. And yet, they will be arriving next week. #treatyoself?

I think law school has made me tremendously unfunny.

I don't blog very much anymore, and there are several reasons for that. 
Obviously, I don't have a ton of time or energy. It seems like I have to choose between getting enough sleep // accomplishing everything for class // having a social life ... and I can only pick one. We all know I can sacrifice a social life without a thought, so I've decided on a rather stressful, grey area between sleep & work -- I read mostly everything for class and I get almost enough sleep. Which just leaves me super anxious about being called on in class & still too tired to focus. Screw waterboarding -- we should just enroll terrorists in law school. 

Another reason I haven't been posting as often is my inability to find funny things to blog about. My ego's not so huge that I think you guys want to hear my every thought on every subject. This started as a comedy thing, and I shouldn't trick y'all into listening to me rant about my fears for the future and hatred of singledom and the trials of having any sort of religion in law school -- unless it's witty, right? And now that I'm surrounded by not-likeminded individuals (life after UD...ugh), finding humor in those typical, real life situations is getting harder and harder. 

It's so easy to slip back into it when I'm visiting Dallas and surrounded by my favorite people in the whole entire world. While UD doesn't do everything correctly, I can find absolutely no fault with the friends I made there. These lovelies (and their families) that I met through UD are the most encouraging, loving, hysterical, friendly-beyond-anything, beautiful souls I have ever encountered, and I am so incredibly #blessed (I hate myself for using that hashtag) with their presence in my life. I just need to find a way to keep that feeling when I come back to Houston.

So with Lent beginning soon, I'm trying to get back to being able to find humor in things. That means sorting through my anxieties & getting a more positive outlook. With that in mind, I've got Matt Maher blasting, a candle burning, and a rosary at my side just waiting to be prayed. 

TL;DR: SORRY FOR NOT POSTING ILL TRY TO DO BETTER I LOVE MY FRIENDS

The next post will (probably) be a Groundhog recap, so imagine your computer screen covered in the tears I cried while reminiscing about the best weekend in the history of ever.