Adventures in Babysitting

We're finally out of the newborn phase, which means I'm an expert in all things newborn and it's finally hitting us that no one is coming to pay us $20/hour and then drive us home. 

As Alanis once said: you live, you learn/you love, you learn/you cry, you learn/you lose, you learn.
There has been a whole lot of learning (and so so so much crying, from everyone involved). 

For my first post in almost a year (Bebe was but a twinkle in my eye!), I've decided to bless you all with my wee one wisdom. You're welcome.

NECESSITIES

• Noise cancelling headphones to ward off the unsolicited advice. We've decided against safe sleep practices, thank you very much. I've just been placing my child--drowsy, but awake--outside on our 4th floor balcony with a space blanket and SIG P365 (safety on, duh; I'm not a monster), and checking on him in the morning. Survival of the fittest is the new sleep training. No, we won't be getting an Owlet; Zuck and comrades will just have to find another way to track my baby. Cry it out? Obviously. Any other way would be treating our baby like such a baby. I'm not here for that sort of paternalism. 
  
  The above is full on sarcasm, and how I wish I could respond. Please don't report me to CPS - we follow the ABCs and the AAP. I would even consider AA if they came out with opinions on child safety/sleep. (But not the AARP. Don't come to me with your outdated opinions, ma'am.)
  
  
• Sesame Street for the entirely new letters we're learning regarding bra sizes. Breastfeeding is a trip, y'all. And that's all I'm going to say about that. 
  
  
• Baby Shusher. 3 months ago, I would have VASTLY undervalued a small machine that literally just makes a shushing noise. Even still, I think there are some improvements to be made - its shape makes no sense (like a little rocket ship, but the speaker is on the only flat side), it needs an option greater than 30 minutes (like maybe...8 hours), and why does its design make me feel like a waiter at Olive Garden offering my child some cracked pepper? That doesn't stop us from (silently) sprinting into the room as soon as the 30 minutes are up and Bebe begins to stir, to crack some more pepper (AKA twist the little knob for another 30 minutes) and keep. him. down.
  
  Oh, white noise machines exist? Yes, and we use one of those too because we have the most demanding child in existence. Back in your day you just shushed your baby yourself? And that gets old about 10 minute in, and you know it. Let's not be a bitter Boomer Betty. There are apps that do the same thing, you say? Since this child came into the world, my phone has been at about 4% battery. Between tracking his food, sleep & diapers, nonstop pictures & videos because he is the cutest baby alive, Reddit for late night nursing because looking at his sweet little face will only get me so far at 4 in the morning, and Youtube TV streaming perpetually (WHERE IS BRIAN LAUNDRIE?), my battery life may never recover. One more app going and my phone will just pack its little bags and head to the first childfree home it finds. 
  
  
• Every burp cloth in existence. And then I sewed some more. My washing machine doesn't even know how to do anything other than white loads now. Burp cloths cover every surface of this apartment, and still he finds a way to spit up on me. I'm in the process of creating a jacket made entirely of burp cloths (patent pending), which I now realize is just a bathrobe. 
  
  They're going to find my body buried under a giant stack of burp cloths. Like a very soft, very sad episode of Hoarders.  
  
  
• Ceiling fan. My tiny Don Quixote, tilting at modern windmills. What do Northern babies even look at? Are they slightly deficient because of the lack of ceiling fans? Is this why Northerners are mostly Democrat? Regardless, between the ceiling fans and the noise of running water from the sink, the apartment infrastructure is doing the damn thing. 
  
  

NOPES

• Electric nail file. Instead of cutting your baby with nail clippers/scissors, you now have 2 options: baby shivs (filing the nails into little points) or baby butcher knives (filing the nails flat, but with two incredibly sharp corners). Ten of them, on a being who has not gained complete control of his limbs yet. Snuggling him means wrangling a tiny, strapped-to-the-teeth octopus. A teeny Edward Scissorhands. Cutco should be selling these door-to-door. Please don't tell me this thing works for its intended purpose. His little noodly flail devices prevent me from gaining a firm enough grasp, plus he seems to sense what is about to happen and curls his little hands into impenetrable fists.
  
  
• Pee pee teepee. My Southern lady heart is hurting at having to utter type those words, but here we are. I have been peed on approximately 7 million times. I don't know if my child is a whizzard or if I'm just incompetent, but the next Steele dossier will be written about me. Lately, it seems like he waits to make his move until Tyler is home; I can't help but think it's to make me look like an unfit parent. However, we have all fallen victim: me, Tyler, the diplomas hanging on the wall above the dresser/changing table (which seems like a weird place to hang them, but (1) we lived here before Bebe ever did, and (2) we need to flex hard on Bebe so he learns his place). Bebe is particularly adept at getting himself in the face, and I'm hoping that will be a lesson to him. But he is a baby and his head is full of fluff, so he will likely learn nothing and continue to pee while diaperless.
  
  Such is the way of the world.
   
• Snap footie pajamas. Reason #65412 of why I could never be Amish. If zippers are of the devil, send me straight to hell. Logically, I understood the appeal of zippers versus snaps before I had ye olde baby. I will now no longer accept anything else. I have an advanced degree, but at 3 in the morning in the peak colic phase, snaps were beyond me. Snaps are a trash fastener for trash people.
  
  
• Fire alarms. Hot take: no building should have a fire alarm ever. You either see/smell the fire and get out, or the world is rid of you and your garbage DNA. We are in our third year of living at this complex - we had zero fire alarms until Bebe arrived on the scene, and now we've had 4 in his short lifetime. (If I hadn't been with him literally every single hour of his life - minus 1 in which I went to Target and things at home fell apart - I would suspect my little cherub of pulling the alarm.) Let me tell you, I have never moved so fast as when the complex-wide alarm has gone off and I feared for his tiny little eardrums. You've never truly lived until you find yourself in your pajamas on the sidewalk with all of your neighbors, nursing bra unclasped because you had to evacuate during Bebe's second breakfast. We've now invested in baby noise cancelling headphones for this very reason (and so he, too, can tune out the words of every busybody. See above.)

There is my blog for the year. See y'all in 2022. (Kidding...maybe.)

The Sunday Currently, Vol. 10

Currently, I'm ...

listening ... Louder with Crowder. Sword and Scale. the latest Taylor album. protestors.
hey, so approximately 2 seconds after my last post, I quit my job because *reasons*. I'm back in oil and gas and so so so much happier. AND my situation is such that I am able to listen to podcasts/music all day. I could use this as a chance to grow and stretch myself...or I could continue on in my conservative vacuum because the other side is stupid and what's even the point in trying to understand them. So I've been listening to Louder with Crowder, Ben Shapiro, and the Federalist Radio Hour. On the off chance I want a break from politics (but I'm a Deal and we can survive off of conservative talk radio, arguing, and red wine so that break is rarely needed), I switch to Sword & Scale. If you haven't given it a listen and you like true crime stuff, I highly recommend it. However, I do not highly recommend it for your morning walk to the train because it can be a bit graphic and hearing about some pervert fantasizing about eating a child may not be the best way to start your day. Take my word for it. I've also been jamming to Taylor's latest album non-stop because she can do no wrong, musically. I will actually fight you if you disagree. Another benefit of this new job is that it happens to be in the same building as Ted Cruz's office. That may seem like a bit of useless trivia to you; for me, it means that every Tuesday, a group* of very dedicated idiots spends the noon hour yelling into a bullhorn about DACA, gun control, and healthcare. Contrary to what they are yelling, this is not what democracy looks like.

* I use the word "group" very...liberally (ironically). It sounds like the same 2 people. Every Tuesday. Probably until they both die.

watching ... Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. Nailed It. Supersize vs. Superskinny.
Sorry for being late to the game by literal years, but Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries is cute and clean and lighthearted for a crime show. I needed a break from my usual Forensic Files and cult documentaries. If you haven't seen Nailed It, it's a baking show on Netflix that is an actual disaster. Terrible, awful, ridiculously optimistic people attempt to imitate trendy baked goods and fail miserably. The host laughs out loud at the contestants multiple times a show. I like a show that makes me feel better about myself. As for that last show...I am full of shame. I am trash. I accept it. I ran through all of the American fat shows, so I've had to move on to mediocre British ones where they constantly say things like "...to prevent Britain from turning into the public health disaster that is the U.S." Not to get political, buuuuuuuut YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY, YOU SNIVELLING, AFFECTED, DOLE-DWELLING, PEDOPHILE-PANDERING, RESTING-ON-YOUR-NONEXISTENT-LAURELS TWITS.

drinking ... so very much coffee. so very much wine.

wearing ... a sweater for the chilly morning, shorts for the 90° afternoon, heels because I'm a professional. We are reaching peak Texas spring.

feeling ... distressed because this past week was my first spring break WITHOUT a break. rude.

wanting ... A SPRING BREAK, DUH.

making ... that money, honey.

reading ... The Count of Monte Cristo. Roanoke, the Abandoned Colony. Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence.
With this new job, the stress has melted right off - the pay is better, my hours are better, the people are better. So now I'm attempting to better myself. I'm attempting The Count of Monte Cristo for the umpteenth time. An abridged version because I take it with me to work and I'm not absurd. We'll see how this goes. My nightstand book is about Roanoke, which I've had a weird obsession with since I was a child. The one unfortunate, bittersweet fact about that is that NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL SO THERE IS NO RESOLUTION. Like...there kind of is no end to this book. My final, for-my-own-welfare book is supposed to help me find inner peace and happiness and whatnot. I got it as a gift from sweet Teresa Mull, who seems to be perfectly content roaming the wild woods of Pennsylvania, so let's hope it has the same effect on me.

traveling ... home from a wedding in Austin. Aggie weddings are fun, but I might advise not to have a wedding in Austin the same weekend as SXSW. Or an outdoor wedding in Texas in March (or ever, really). just a little tip.


This post may be disappointing. idk. maybe I'll get back in the swing of things, maybe this thing will die a natural death. I repeat...idk.

Currently: I Fought the Law and the Law Won

reading | um, more like avoiding reading. 

writing | STOP PRESSURING ME TO BE PRODUCTIVE. 

listening | this super depressing playlist I found on Spotify. Because I am an emo child and I need my music to reflect/amplify my mood. But also, I can't stop listening to The Last Goodbye from the Hobbit. Pippin got infinitely more attractive when he revealed his musical abilities.

thinking | Is this Quarter Life Crisis, Part 2 OR just your average another-semester-of-law school breakdown? If it's the former, does that mean I've been in a continuous life crisis for months now without realizing it? And if it's the latter, I have at least 4 more breakdowns to looks forward to (if I only have one per semester - HA!). Is this what depression feels like? Do I have an anxiety disorder? Am I just being dramatic (duh)?

watching | The Good Wife. Big Law looks terrifying and fun and I don't think I want any part in it. But every so often, I know the legalisms they're talking about on the show and I feel super smart. So there's that. HOWEVER, they just killed off the love of my life, so I'm currently traumatized and unable to read for class. my professors will accept that excuse, right?

smelling | nothing? is my nose no longer working? do I have nose cancer? just another thing to worry about. 

hoping | there is no hope. (I just realized that I've said that before. it remains true.)

wearing | boxers + a t-shirt. so seductive.

loving | the repeal of the 18th Amendment (see below) and the weather lately!

drinking | red wine. duh.

wanting | the entire Lilly Pulitzer for Target line. good grades. better motivation. a beach body. relief from at least some of the things that are stressing me out. a furry friend to pet. 

needing | to remember to set the coffee for tomorrow morning. If I could afford servants, I would have one whose only job was to brew coffee & make it perfectly according to my preferences. 

feeling | overwhelmed. but as a great/crazy lady once said: "There's no crying in law school. Either Tom Hanks or Thomas Jefferson said that. Or both. I think both." 

So we shall overcome. Is that an inappropriate reference for a privileged white girl to make? Whatever. 

clicking | The Catholic Church finally getting on my level?  Yes, please. 

Currently: 1Hell, Part 2

The blog is not dead, and neither am I. There was just a serious vacuum of bloggable things for awhile, and now that school has started again, there's a lot of busy but still nothing super blog-worthy.

Christmas break was just lovely, mostly because I did nothing involving thought the entire time. The only difficulty I confronted was being asked, "Do you want to go see a movie?" approximately every. damn. day. (ahem, Mom.)

That's a slight exaggeration. Right after exams, I did have to start applying for internships. Competition is fierce and I'm sure to get shanked by some overzealous 1L at some point, but I just can't muster up the proper amount of caring. While it would be embarrassing to not get an internship on my own merits, there would still be the option of slinking home with my tail between my legs to beg a family friend for a summer position. If we know anything at all about me, I am no stranger to job embarrassment and I am not above begging.

I've been AWOL for a bit, so here's life lately:

reading | property law & statutory interpretation. my two classes that are just thrilling.

writing | notes on notes on notes. I'm doing this whole actually-caring-about-school this semester. I needed one semester to see if this was a thing I would be doing. that semester has passed, and so did I, which was the biggest test. so I guess I'm staying.

listening | as today is the feast day of the conversion of paul, I've had The Conversion of Saul by Z. Randall Stroope playing all day. I had the chance to sing this in high school and it chaaaaanged. THE DISSONANCE. THE RESOLUTION. brb gotta go write a thank-you email to Z Randall. 

and still T. Swift. ALWAYS T. SWIFT. when I first got the album, I could study to it because I didn't know any of the words. now, not so. I KNOW ALL THE WORDS AND THEY ARE WHAT IS WRITTEN ON MY HEART. Taylor would absolutely be a member of my girl gang. 

thinking | I'm already tired from the amount of effort I'm putting into school. a week into the second semester. trying is not going to be easy.

watching | the second season of Pretty Little Liars. I had started it a couple of years ago, but got sidetracked. my main impression? this town has a LOT of adult males willing to risk everything for underaged females. like, a disproportionate amount. if anything is mysterious, it's that. 

smelling | the chicken I just George-Foreman-ed. I'm, like, a gourmet chef. 

hoping | I actually get an internship. I'm starting to panic, even though it's waaaay to early for that nonsense. I need someone to text me every day: you is kind, you is smart, you is important. in fact, if someone just wants to hire a black nanny to tell me that + take care of my apartment + cook me real food, I wouldn't be adverse. 

wearing | pajamas, always and forever. 

loving | nepotism, hopefully. I need one of these family/UD connections to pay off and land me a fab internship. 

drinking | red wine. about two months into the first semester of law school, someone from my section told me that, judging by my facebook posts, I am literally always drinking red wine. there was no need to correct her. 

wanting | Law Made Fun Through Harry Potter's Adventures: 99 Lessons in Law from the Wizarding World. GUYS. it was made for me. surriously. 

DUH.

needing | a new suit. the one I got before law school no longer fits. I have an interview on Thursday and I really don't want to show up looking like I borrowed a suit from Andre the Giant. so I need either a new suit, an incredibly fast tailor, or a bunch of mice & birds. Cinderella-style, obvi. 

feeling | I think there's a nervousness that doesn't really go away when you're in law school. it's the constant fear that you're going to be called on and embarrass yourself. so that's sort of endless. but I have a weird sense of control right now. I'm reading ahead and taking better notes and utilizing all of my resources. we'll see how long this lasts...

clicking | ipsy, one of those send-you-a-box-full-of-goodies-each-month things. I got all signed up AND WAS PUT ON THE WAITING LIST. taking myself right off that damn list. whatevs, ipsy. IF THAT REALLY IS YOUR NAME.

The Sunday Currently, Vol. 7

Look at me, blogging on the regular. I'm a superstar. 

It's been a while since I did one of these. 

READING: This question isn't even fair. Can I just say what I would like to be reading? Because there's a particular young adult novel I haven't read yet + the second Harry Potter book is perched on my bedside table with a bookmark optimistically peeking out from about a quarter of the way through. However, I have ten more pages of reading for Contracts and I haven't even started Torts yet. So there's that.

WRITING: Guuuuuuuuuuuuys. (Imagine that in my whiniest voice possible.) I have a memo due next Monday that is 60% of my grade in one class. I wrote the majority of it today, but went crazy while doing so. If you ever want to know how Rhode Island feels about claims for the negligent infliction of emotional distress, you've come to the right place. Actually, let's wait until I get my grade back before I get all cocky. I thought about turning in 7.5 pages of the word "butt" but figured that the professor expects a bit more than that. 

Secret: When I chat with people during class, I send them this gif and watch their reaction from across the room.

LISTENING: I and Love and You. and Murder in the City. and all of my favorite Avett songs because they make me feel all contemplative and tranquil and less miserable.

THINKING: 

SMELLING: Caramel Praline candle from HEB. I always have it burning when I study at home, so I'm now thinking I should ask if I can bring it into my exams. Sense and memory and all that. Med school friends, would that give me an edge? TELL ME IT WOULD GIVE ME AN EDGE.

WISHING: Thanksgiving would happen. I've already begun breaking my hard-and-fast rule of no Christmas until after Thanksgiving, so I need time to speed up so I can justify becoming Mrs. Claus. I mean, other than my extreme emotionalism brought on by stress.

HOPING: There is no hope. There is nothing. 

Because I have no other options, Elrond. Leave me alone. 

WEARING: My new leopard print nightshirt. Because someone has to make law school fabulous, and most of these people show up to everything in yoga pants and oversized shirts. Sigh.

LOVING: The fact that this semester is almost over. If I make myself forget about finals, there's almost joy in my life. But really, I will be 1/6th done with law school. That fraction isn't too bad, guys.

I'm also loving my law school section. While most of them aren't necessarily people I would choose to hang out with, we are all weirdly supportive of each other. There has been literally none of the competitiveness you hear about in regards to law school. We have an enormous group message going where we pass along supplements + advice from 2Ls and 3Ls + inside jokes from class + words of encouragement/shared misery. It's kind of beautiful, guys.

WANTING: All of the things. When I'm stressed, I shop. And guys...I'm STRESSED. I'm behind on my finals study schedule + my memo is kind of a hot mess + I can't make myself read anymore. So I shop. Sorry, Dad. 

NEEDING: A break. Assurance that finals will be okay. A way out of this mess.

FEELING: I kind of feel like I might have hit the eye of the storm. Like I went through some desperate times, and shit's about to get super real, but I'm weirdly calm right now. That might be the horse tranquilizer I took, though. Whatevs.

CLICKING: An SOS message in Morse code. HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING...

Boots & Pants & Boots & Pants

It's not that life hasn't been bloggable lately. It's just that my brain hasn't been able to translate those bloggable moments into words. Words are hard.

Two weekends ago, I went to Dallas and it was everything I needed it to be. I went for an engagement party, but that was the justification for spending the gas money to get there. Spending all my time silently disagreeing with nearly everyone is exhausting. I feel like I might understand locked-in syndrome just a teensy bit. So, weary & in serious need of some friendly souls, I packed my weekender & the Hydes were generous enough to provide shelter + alcohol + love. I squeezed in a college party where I took tequila shots with strangers + an engagement party where I saw nearly everyone dear to my heart + brunch on brunch on brunch. It was beyond perfect & I was so busy treasuring every moment that I took zero pictures. I'm the best blogger ever. 

This is the only evidence I have from that weekend.
Names remanded because I love these people too much to publicly shame them like that. 

The next weekend, I went home for Halloween. Augie is just old enough to go trick-or-treating, but not quite understand what is happening. Hi-larious. Plus, this happened:

Gretel was not taking any crap from Hansel. 

I picked up all of my winter clothes beeeeeecaaaaaaause: IT'S SWEATER WEATHER.

However, Houston is a fickle bitch. I just don't trust her to continue acting like it's fall, so I'm keeping some regular clothes handy. I just want to reemphasize that I hate it here. 

This past weekend was devoted to scholarly pursuits & achievements of all kinds:

I'm completely up-to-date on one of my outlines. 
Just a few measly sections to go over in class, and the entire thing will be done. I also got a bit done on an incredibly important memo due before Thanksgiving. As of this week, my official-hopefully-I'll-actually-follow-it finals study schedule begins. If all goes according to plan, I'll be spending my weekends completing my outlines and my weeks studying them. Goodbye, cruel world. 

I've only listened to the new T. Swift album.
Such scholarly. Much pursuits. SHE GETS ME. Seriously, I've listened to this + the radio once, but then I turned it off because they weren't playing Taylor. I spent one night last week drinking wine, laying on the floor of my apartment, and singing along at the top of my voice. I know you're all incredibly interested, so here are my faves: Wildest Dreams + Style + Clean. gottagolistenagainkthnxbye.

I'm back to Gold level on my Starbucks card.
Yes, I'm considering that an achievement. My bank account might disagree, but whatevs.

I ate a s'more.
Guys, the bar is super, super low when it comes to achievements. You've gotta cut me some slack. 

Silver Lining

Things that suck:

» I applied for a credit card about a month ago and was told that they were going to need "some time" to review my application. And I haven't heard back. I've been "it's not you, it's me"-ed by the credit card company. Except it's me. It's totally, absolutely me. 

 

» All the blogs I want to read are in Swedish or whatever. And sometimes they trick you by writing the title in English. 

 

They've also perfected the art of effortless beauty, which is seriously not fair. Whatever "Perfekt Hud" and "Dagens: Voksenpuberteten" are, I want. 

» All of the apartments in Houston are expensivo. Mumsifer & I go to Houston tomorrow to find me a homestead, but I anticipate this being in my price range:

» I follow a blogger who's a model in Paris. The comparison of our lives makes me so mad, I don't even want to talk about it.

» Someone in a bar poked my hair on Saturday night. He then offered his hand and asked my name. I responded "no, thank you" and he called me a bitch. 

Considering you're unattractive and that hair pulling moving hasn't been seen since grade school, I figured you'd be used to a little rejection. Next time, I'll go easier. (Just kidding.) If anyone's wondering why I prefer Netflixing & alcohol to social interaction, I rest my case. I am retiring the bun for the foreseeable future & I give up on males entirely. 

Despite all this, there are a few bright spots in my life.   

I ate chicken + waffles, celebrated a twenty-first, & rode the Buzz Bike this weekend.

(Sorry the food got mentioned before you, Juju.)

I don't hate it. 

The Sunday Currently, Vol. 6

CURRENTLY…

READING: a million different things, including Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn for our Dallas Socialite book club, excerpts from Little Women because I'm a child, & Lenten Meditations with Fulton Sheen. 

WRITING: letters to KP & Teresa. Unemployed lyfe has not made me a better pen pal.

LISTENING: random Spotify playlists. Ironically, laziness is my most persistent adjective, these days. Compiling my own playlist just sounds haaaaaaard, so I literally just search a noun or emotion and let Spotify do the work. When the computers take over, my life will go on as normal because I've already given them all the power. 

THINKING: I should be less lazy.

 SMELLING: Nothing. Allergy season is upon us, and Texas goes hard. Stuffy-nose-itchy-eyeballs-sneezing-an-annoying-number-of-times-ears-popping hard. And because I'm a masochist, I'm seeing how long I can go without taking any medication. Challenge accepted, pollen demons. 

WISHING: I could keep hanging out in Dallas without a job, but also move home and relax/not pay rent. Oh wait, cars are a thing and the trip's not that long. Wish granted. 

HOPING: There's enough time to reread the HP series this summer. Who am I kidding. There's enough time to reread it multiple times. 

WEARING: My glasses, because aforementioned eyeballs are itchy and tired. 

LOVING: The rainy weather. I just need it to let up for an hour while I go to Mass, and then it can continue in all it's blusteriness. 

WANTING: This gorg print from KP's Etsy shop. I've been feeling especially wanderlusty recently. I'm trying to sort out a travel schedule for this summer, but I'm a cheap mess; adventures are expensivoooo. 

NEEDING: Someone to come make brunch for me, according to my preferences and dietary

restrictions. That's not asking too much, right?

FEELING: Anxiety setting in about law school. I might have been mistaken when I imagined it playing out exactly like Legally Blonde. It sounds hard, guys. I don't think the bend and snap is going to help out much, despite my efforts to perfect it. 

This is actually weirdly close to how it actually happened.

CLICKING: What am I not clicking? I am #funemployed and the internets are my playground.