Insta Round-Up: The Great Groundhogian

Sorry if you've already seen these on Insta;
I just couldn't spare the time to write an actual post, so you get GHog pics instead.
I've been a busy little bee & finally finished my law school apps! 
Right on time, too, because the first deadline is February 15th.
If I don't mention law school ever again, 
it's because I didn't get in anywhere and let's not talk about it, k?

I submitted my apps last night,
and there was a marked difference in my behavior at work today.
It went a little something like this:

I had "Timber" stuck in my head all day,

time actually moved fairly quickly, 

& I couldn't wait to go on my evening run.

Someone asked me for relationship advice, 

and I didn't even respond snarkily.

In short, today was weird.

Things have been pretty awful for so long, 

it's a little disconcerting to feel so careless. 

Now, release the Groundhog: 
(let's see how many allusions I can make in this one)

God created man in his image;
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.

And God looked at everything he had made, and found it very good.

So God, male, female, and groundhog shared a beer.

Evening came, and morning followed--

Groundhog Day.

Sorry for the blasphemy.

Listen my children and you shall hear

of the midnight ride of Groundhog & beer.

The Groundhog rode again on Saturday. 

Groundhog Day is my absolute favorite holiday.

Sometimes, I get caught up in Christmas & Halloween,

but February 2 rolls around and I remember. 

Oh, do I remember.

Last year at GHog, I was unemployed.

 Having a job made this year slightly more complicated,

but not necessarily in a bad way.

I still managed to stay out ridiculously late on Thursday & Friday, 

but I didn't get sick-drunk, 
so I consider it an all-around win.

There was some fairly persuasive encouragement

to skip work on Saturday, 

but I did the adult thing & the anticipation made it that much better.

Despite my desire to catch up to everyone else, drunk-wise, 

I distinctly remember eating a piece of naan 

& telling a stranger that "I just don't want to die."

(His response: a very solemn "me neither" & a bite out of my naan. 

No one's a stranger for long on Groundhog.) 

(Row 1: a Mexican cartel bomb to start the weekend right, a free Pat Green concert courtesy of Chart Westcott, & what I was doing Saturday morning;

Row 2: Ye Olde Tower, lovely ladiez, & GHog buds;

Row 3: #socollege, Greg was a dancing machine, & the Groundhog 2014 sweatshirt)

Casualties of the weekend: the Burt's Bees that I accidentally washed 
in the laundry the next day, 
the sleep I so desperately need (my eye's been twitching for days now), 
and my desire to be an adult. 
Can I re-do college?

Wedding Weekend: College Carousing

I'm writing this with a barely-functioning brain. 

I got back late-ish last night from a wedding in Florida, 

so obviously everyone should be jealous

but also I might have killed my few remaining brain cells. 

This lovely angel-face from my awesome college days was getting MARRIED!

I remember when we were (so it seemed) the only 2 from our group of friends left in the dorm.

That made for some amazing/weird memories.

Now she's a little wifey!

Their gorgeous wedding invitation

This wedding weekend made me feel like a real adult at times, 
but like SUCH a child at other moments. 

I took off work Friday & Saturday
(again I say it, my work schedule is the worst)
so I could fly out Friday afternoon.
Adult moment #1: I had to park my car at the airport for the weekend.
I'd never had to do that myself before, so I felt mature & responsible.

Wore these beauts to the airport. I would come to regret that later that evening.

I had big plans to get a drink (or three) on the flight over, 
but 
Child moment #1: I'm the worst flier ever & have to take medicine and pass out
in order to not die. Flight uneventful. 

Adult moment #2: I took a taxi to the hotel when I arrived in West Palm Beach. 
Clearly, I've taken a taxi before, but when the situation does not involve me being drunk & trying to get home safely, I feel like an adult. (Sorry, Mom.)

When I got to the hotel, the lovely ladies I was rooming with 
were at the rehearsal dinner, 
so that was my cue to quickstep to the hotel bar. 
10 minutes & two drinks later, Mr. Bartender & I were besties. 
(He complimented my "fancy shoes" so I knew it was fate.)
Luckily, some friends met me in the bar later, so I didn't look like a complete drunk.

Fast forward: the morning of the wedding. 
Roomies/Bridesmaids were getting ready early
while I watched & made them drinks. 
(Aren't I just the best?)
Mistakes, y'all. 

Apparently, this is called a "Cuban Screw". I called it acceptable. 

We then moved on to champagne. 
At this point, I'd had a banana & alcohol. 
Child moment #2: I didn't understand my limitations. 

Beauts: bottle & Bridesmaids style.

After ushering them off in style, I got ready.

Two pictures because I'm vain.

I met up with people & went on over to the church. 
However, we were super early. 
What's the only solution?
One friend stayed behind to look at the church, 
and Drea & I went off to find "somewhere to sit". 
(Neither of us wanted to say "bar", but we were on the hunt.)

Child moment #3: still not knowing my limitations. 
2 for 1 drinks? I'm obligated to get 2, duh. 

Beautiful St. Ann's in West Palm Beach:

My two-cocktail hands made things a little blurry. Sorry. 

Their priest gave a great homily

& the love was tangible. 

Everything you could want on your big day.

Reception time!

Lucky Table 13. 

We were situated right next to the bar

and I can't help but wonder if Emily knew what she was doing. 

Sadly, I don't have many good pictures from the reception. 

Too much dancing & drinking, I suppose. 

No regrets. 

Classic sparkler exit. 
So happy!

Wedding's don't come without drama, 
so Adult moment #3 was throwing off my drunkenness 
to comfort a friend. 
I am just so selfless, guys. 

Clearly, we weren't done partying yet. 
An outfit change was necessary & then on to regroup at the hotel bar. 

UD folks don't really understand the purpose of decorative glasses. 
Lesson: it takes a solid amount of beer before the taste of Strawberrita is diluted. 
Child moment #4, I guess. 

Florida calls for a midnight walk to the beach. 
In my drunk-vulnerable state, 
I didn't quite catch that it was a 3-mile walk. 
Worth it. 

After walking back, I got to reminisce with college friends, 
which is the most wonderful of things. 
Adult moment #4: being able to reminisce about college. 
Getting old, y'all. 

Oh, and I saw a drawbridge in action.

One last picture of the blushing bride, courtesy of Kate P.:

Can you even believe how gorgeous she is??

Mission EJHWedding: Accomplished.

Also, I move on Thursday. 
Ask me how many boxes I've packed.
(Hint: this is the only one.)

Drinking with Dante, Pt. 2

I'm the worst. 

I promised the Dante continuation for Thursday, 

and failed to come through. 

Here's the thing:

I was in the Countdown City for a little visit (with no end in sight)

when I got an email about an emergency (!!!) job interview

that absolutely had to be done the next day (Thursday). 

So instead of blogging, 

I was driving back to DFW hoping to get my life together. 

That takes precedence, I think. 

Back to D-Man & his hellish vacation through...hell.

Here's the map, as a reminder:

«Circle Five: Wrath»

I was going to choose wine for this circle of hell, 

so I could make a grapes of wrath joke, 

but that was already used for the Limbo Party.

So I was left with Jager. 

This is a very personal & biased decision. 

1) Jager & I have some bad history, and

2) Anything that tastes like black licorice is disgusting and makes me angry.

And it might be a stretch, but:

- Guidos drink Jager bombs.

- Guidos have 'roid rage (like wrath, right?).

Jager is associated with rage.

And this guy:

«Circle Six: Heresy»

I'm having some difficulty with choosing a drink for this circle. 

With the other levels of hell, something would come to mind pretty quickly.

But I think I've got it. 

India Pale Ale. 

To come to this conclusion, I had to tear myself away from 

the Catholic Church-ey definition of heresy, 

and instead look at it something at odds with what is generally accepted.

At this point in time, craft beers are all the rage.

But here's a secret: many beginning brewers hide how bad their beer is

by adding a ton of hops. 

(The alliteration in that sentence...yowza.)

And then they try to pass it off as a beer for the "experienced palate".

It's now widely accepted that the mature drinker LUUURVES hoppy beer, 

so it is heresy to say that one prefers a BLL to that 

bitter, chewable, strained-through-your-hipster-beard brew.

Yo, I don't want to have to gain "experience" or

grow a handle bar mustache to enjoy my beer. 

Pass me a Shiner & I'm good to go. 

If you do nothing else with your day, just watch this.  

Heretics are sentenced to having to drink disgusting beer for eternity.

   

«Circle Seven: Violence»

Violence makes me think of Communism, 

Communism makes me think of Russians, and Russians make me think of vodka.

Simple as that. 

This is an AK-47 full of vodka. Russia, y'all. 

No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.

«Circle Eight: Fraud»

Back to the hipsters. 

Maybe I'm just an optimist, 

but I don't believe that anyone is genuinely a hipster.

It's just something they put on in the hopes of fitting in & seeming cool.

(Which just means that they'll change their personality 

for whatever the next trend is so UGH.)

Hipster-dom is fraudulent.

Therefore, the drink of the hipsters--PBR--is perfect for these sinners.

«Circle Nine: Treachery»

At last, the final circle of hell. 

Dante defines treachery as fraudulent acts between individuals who share 

special bonds of love and trust. 

So I thought about making this circle A BIG SUICIDE MIXTURE OF ALL ALCOHOL

because I have that sort of bond with alcohol--

I love it, but it keeps betraying me. 

But that might be breaking the rules, 

so I'm choosing moonshine. 

Can be super awesome (so I hear)

but can also make you go blind. 

Treacherous. 

The end. 

This might be something I do again, with other Core books.

#sorryUD

Also, I'm announcing a three two-month spending moratorium. 

So, no: 

- Starbucks drinks

- clothing of any kind

- unnecessary Target purchases

- lazy fast food

- NOTHING

Keep me honest, people. 

(Obviously, birthday drinks don't count.)

Drinking with Dante, Pt. 1

Like any good Crusader, 

I read Dante's Divine Comedy my freshman year. 

I was a bit of a hot mess that year, so I didn't really do it the justice it so deserves. 

(Translation: Drinking was fun & reading was hard.)

Since graduation/the dreaded days of unemployment, 

I've been slowly rereading some of the Core

(Non-UD-ers: the Core is basically the required, Great Books curriculum at UDallas)

BUT

even with all this maturity gained & growth experienced & whatnot

I still like to drink. 

So why not combine Dante & drinking?

(I will admit to stopping after the Inferno because Purgatorio & Paradiso aren't nearly as fun.)

#sorryGod

A couple of maps to help jog that memory & make you fear your earthly decisions. 

«Dark Wood» 

In the text, the description of Dante's starting point is pretty hazy--

probably an indication that our sweet poet has already taken to imbibing.

Throughout the poem, 

Dante is blessed with the help of Beatrice, St. Lucia, & the Virgin Mary--

three blessed women. 

As such, Dante should fortify himself with a shot (or three) of Tres Mujeres Tequila.

Feel the burn of the tequila-fire before you feel the burn of the hellfire.

«Gate of Hell »

"Abandon all hope, you who enter here."

(It's like college!)

Reserved for those who lived without ever making a conscious moral decision, 

the drink of choice for this Ante-Inferno is Smirnoff Ice. 

Despite it's frigid moniker, Smirnoff Ice is the beverage equivalent of 

being "lukewarm" in one's faith. 

(Rev 3:16 "But because thou art lukewarm and neither cold nor hot, I will begin to vomit thee out of my mouth.")

^That's a direct quote, y'all.^

Open the fridge? ICE.

Go for the remote? ICE.

Can't make a decision? GATE OF HELL. 

Those cowards condemned to this locale are constantly bitten by flies & wasps,

and blood & tears flow from them--all things I distinctly remember feeling

upon being Iced in college. 

Also, that vomiting thing mentioned in Revelation.

«Circle One: Limbo»

Technically the first circle of hell, Limbo is for those who are not saved 

though they did not sin.

Dante's Limbo contains unbaptized infants & virtuous non-Christian adults--

most notably, some ancient folks.

To make them feel perfectly at home & give it a little party atmosphere, 

wine is the bev served in Limbo.

Doing the limbo. Get it?

"Someone hold my balloon while I slap the bag."

«Circle Two: Lust»

The one's a bit like that disgusting bar that you hate because it's full of older guys & bros

but you go anyway because it's nearby & the weekday prices are great. 

(Shout out to the Quarter Bar!)

However, this bar only serves two drinks: cheap beer & Sex on the Beach-es. 

The second one needs no explanation. It's all in the name.

That slut, Francesca, showed up in Old Mill wearing this??

I also chose beer, though, because 

it's the preferred poison of all horny college students.

"The cheaper, the better" applies to both beer & women. 

Make bad choices & blame it on being drunk! Wheeeee!

«Circle Three: Gluttony»

The gluttonous, who excessively pursued pleasure in life, 

are doomed to lie on the ground while sewage rains down upon them.

This is the appropriate punishment for drinking a Fishbowl, as well. 

Fishbowls shout gluttony.

Yes, you're probably sharing it with friends, 

but you're still drinking out of something that's meant to house animals. 

I don't know anyone who's able to stop at just one Fishbowl.

They taste so good, you get cocky, & "it's girls' night out, so let's go crazy"

and pretty soon you really are lying on the ground in a diabetic coma. 

Fishbowls are full of sugar & evil. 

It looks so innocent. 

«Circle Four: Avarice & Prodigality»

Greed for material gain?

Excuse me, for immediately thinking of rappers. 

It's not like they've done anything to deserve that reputation. 

Obviously, Cristal is the perfect drink for those who squandered everything 

in their earthly lives.

But that covers only the "prodigality" side of things. 

Those who are guilty of avarice

(money-hoarding, cheap jerks)

prefer to close their fist around a few fingers of scotch.

Only because I imagine them being Mad Men-types.

"Give me three fingers, on the rocks." Ugh.

(If you remember the punishment in Circle Four, this pun is really funny.)

And here I stop before we encounter Wrath & Lower Hell.

I'm off to go practice some moderation & self-control or whatever. 

Drinking with Dante, Pt. 2 will be up on Thursday!