Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Drinking with Dante, Pt. 1

Like any good Crusader, 
I read Dante's Divine Comedy my freshman year. 
I was a bit of a hot mess that year, so I didn't really do it the justice it so deserves. 
(Translation: Drinking was fun & reading was hard.)

Since graduation/the dreaded days of unemployment, 
I've been slowly rereading some of the Core
(Non-UD-ers: the Core is basically the required, Great Books curriculum at UDallas)
even with all this maturity gained & growth experienced & whatnot
I still like to drink. 
So why not combine Dante & drinking?
(I will admit to stopping after the Inferno because Purgatorio & Paradiso aren't nearly as fun.)

A couple of maps to help jog that memory & make you fear your earthly decisions. 

«Dark Wood» 
In the text, the description of Dante's starting point is pretty hazy--
probably an indication that our sweet poet has already taken to imbibing.

Throughout the poem, 
Dante is blessed with the help of Beatrice, St. Lucia, & the Virgin Mary--
three blessed women. 
As such, Dante should fortify himself with a shot (or three) of Tres Mujeres Tequila.
Feel the burn of the tequila-fire before you feel the burn of the hellfire.

«Gate of Hell »
"Abandon all hope, you who enter here."
(It's like college!)

Reserved for those who lived without ever making a conscious moral decision, 
the drink of choice for this Ante-Inferno is Smirnoff Ice
Despite it's frigid moniker, Smirnoff Ice is the beverage equivalent of 
being "lukewarm" in one's faith. 
(Rev 3:16 "But because thou art lukewarm and neither cold nor hot, I will begin to vomit thee out of my mouth.")
^That's a direct quote, y'all.^
Open the fridge? ICE.
Go for the remote? ICE.
Can't make a decision? GATE OF HELL. 

Those cowards condemned to this locale are constantly bitten by flies & wasps,
and blood & tears flow from them--all things I distinctly remember feeling
upon being Iced in college. 
Also, that vomiting thing mentioned in Revelation.

«Circle One: Limbo»
Technically the first circle of hell, Limbo is for those who are not saved 
though they did not sin.
Dante's Limbo contains unbaptized infants & virtuous non-Christian adults--
most notably, some ancient folks.
To make them feel perfectly at home & give it a little party atmosphere, 
wine is the bev served in Limbo.

Doing the limbo. Get it?

"Someone hold my balloon while I slap the bag."

«Circle Two: Lust»
The one's a bit like that disgusting bar that you hate because it's full of older guys & bros
but you go anyway because it's nearby & the weekday prices are great. 
(Shout out to the Quarter Bar!)
However, this bar only serves two drinks: cheap beer & Sex on the Beach-es. 
The second one needs no explanation. It's all in the name.

That slut, Francesca, showed up in Old Mill wearing this??

I also chose beer, though, because 
it's the preferred poison of all horny college students.
"The cheaper, the better" applies to both beer & women. 
Make bad choices & blame it on being drunk! Wheeeee!

«Circle Three: Gluttony»
The gluttonous, who excessively pursued pleasure in life, 
are doomed to lie on the ground while sewage rains down upon them.

This is the appropriate punishment for drinking a Fishbowl, as well. 
Fishbowls shout gluttony.
Yes, you're probably sharing it with friends, 
but you're still drinking out of something that's meant to house animals. 

I don't know anyone who's able to stop at just one Fishbowl.
They taste so good, you get cocky, & "it's girls' night out, so let's go crazy"
and pretty soon you really are lying on the ground in a diabetic coma. 
Fishbowls are full of sugar & evil. 
It looks so innocent

«Circle Four: Avarice & Prodigality»
Greed for material gain?
Excuse me, for immediately thinking of rappers. 

It's not like they've done anything to deserve that reputation. 

Obviously, Cristal is the perfect drink for those who squandered everything 
in their earthly lives.

But that covers only the "prodigality" side of things. 
Those who are guilty of avarice
(money-hoarding, cheap jerks)
prefer to close their fist around a few fingers of scotch.
Only because I imagine them being Mad Men-types.

"Give me three fingers, on the rocks." Ugh.
(If you remember the punishment in Circle Four, this pun is really funny.)

And here I stop before we encounter Wrath & Lower Hell.
I'm off to go practice some moderation & self-control or whatever. 

Drinking with Dante, Pt. 2 will be up on Thursday!

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