Friday, July 12, 2013

Drinking with Dante, Pt. 2

I'm the worst. 
I promised the Dante continuation for Thursday, 
and failed to come through. 

Here's the thing:
I was in the Countdown City for a little visit (with no end in sight)
when I got an email about an emergency (!!!) job interview
that absolutely had to be done the next day (Thursday). 
So instead of blogging, 
I was driving back to DFW hoping to get my life together. 
That takes precedence, I think. 

Back to D-Man & his hellish vacation through...hell.

Here's the map, as a reminder:

«Circle Five: Wrath»
I was going to choose wine for this circle of hell, 
so I could make a grapes of wrath joke, 
but that was already used for the Limbo Party.

So I was left with Jager
This is a very personal & biased decision. 
1) Jager & I have some bad history, and
2) Anything that tastes like black licorice is disgusting and makes me angry.

And it might be a stretch, but:
- Guidos drink Jager bombs.
- Guidos have 'roid rage (like wrath, right?).
Jager is associated with rage.

And this guy:

«Circle Six: Heresy»
I'm having some difficulty with choosing a drink for this circle. 
With the other levels of hell, something would come to mind pretty quickly.
But I think I've got it. 

India Pale Ale. 
To come to this conclusion, I had to tear myself away from 
the Catholic Church-ey definition of heresy, 
and instead look at it something at odds with what is generally accepted.

At this point in time, craft beers are all the rage.
But here's a secret: many beginning brewers hide how bad their beer is
by adding a ton of hops. 
(The alliteration in that sentence...yowza.)
And then they try to pass it off as a beer for the "experienced palate".
It's now widely accepted that the mature drinker LUUURVES hoppy beer, 
so it is heresy to say that one prefers a BLL to that 
bitter, chewable, strained-through-your-hipster-beard brew.

Yo, I don't want to have to gain "experience" or
grow a handle bar mustache to enjoy my beer. 
Pass me a Shiner & I'm good to go. 

If you do nothing else with your day, just watch this.  

Heretics are sentenced to having to drink disgusting beer for eternity.
«Circle Seven: Violence»
Violence makes me think of Communism, 
Communism makes me think of Russians, and Russians make me think of vodka.
Simple as that. 
This is an AK-47 full of vodka. Russia, y'all. 

No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.

«Circle Eight: Fraud»
Back to the hipsters. 
Maybe I'm just an optimist, 
but I don't believe that anyone is genuinely a hipster.
It's just something they put on in the hopes of fitting in & seeming cool.
(Which just means that they'll change their personality 
for whatever the next trend is so UGH.)
Hipster-dom is fraudulent.

Therefore, the drink of the hipsters--PBR--is perfect for these sinners.

«Circle Nine: Treachery»
At last, the final circle of hell. 
Dante defines treachery as fraudulent acts between individuals who share 
special bonds of love and trust. 

So I thought about making this circle A BIG SUICIDE MIXTURE OF ALL ALCOHOL
because I have that sort of bond with alcohol--
I love it, but it keeps betraying me. 

But that might be breaking the rules, 
so I'm choosing moonshine
Can be super awesome (so I hear)
but can also make you go blind

The end. 
This might be something I do again, with other Core books.

Also, I'm announcing a three two-month spending moratorium. 
So, no: 
- Starbucks drinks
- clothing of any kind
- unnecessary Target purchases
- lazy fast food
Keep me honest, people. 
(Obviously, birthday drinks don't count.)

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