Drinking with Dante, Pt. 2

I'm the worst. 

I promised the Dante continuation for Thursday, 

and failed to come through. 

Here's the thing:

I was in the Countdown City for a little visit (with no end in sight)

when I got an email about an emergency (!!!) job interview

that absolutely had to be done the next day (Thursday). 

So instead of blogging, 

I was driving back to DFW hoping to get my life together. 

That takes precedence, I think. 

Back to D-Man & his hellish vacation through...hell.

Here's the map, as a reminder:

«Circle Five: Wrath»

I was going to choose wine for this circle of hell, 

so I could make a grapes of wrath joke, 

but that was already used for the Limbo Party.

So I was left with Jager. 

This is a very personal & biased decision. 

1) Jager & I have some bad history, and

2) Anything that tastes like black licorice is disgusting and makes me angry.

And it might be a stretch, but:

- Guidos drink Jager bombs.

- Guidos have 'roid rage (like wrath, right?).

Jager is associated with rage.

And this guy:

«Circle Six: Heresy»

I'm having some difficulty with choosing a drink for this circle. 

With the other levels of hell, something would come to mind pretty quickly.

But I think I've got it. 

India Pale Ale. 

To come to this conclusion, I had to tear myself away from 

the Catholic Church-ey definition of heresy, 

and instead look at it something at odds with what is generally accepted.

At this point in time, craft beers are all the rage.

But here's a secret: many beginning brewers hide how bad their beer is

by adding a ton of hops. 

(The alliteration in that sentence...yowza.)

And then they try to pass it off as a beer for the "experienced palate".

It's now widely accepted that the mature drinker LUUURVES hoppy beer, 

so it is heresy to say that one prefers a BLL to that 

bitter, chewable, strained-through-your-hipster-beard brew.

Yo, I don't want to have to gain "experience" or

grow a handle bar mustache to enjoy my beer. 

Pass me a Shiner & I'm good to go. 

If you do nothing else with your day, just watch this.  

Heretics are sentenced to having to drink disgusting beer for eternity.

   

«Circle Seven: Violence»

Violence makes me think of Communism, 

Communism makes me think of Russians, and Russians make me think of vodka.

Simple as that. 

This is an AK-47 full of vodka. Russia, y'all. 

No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.

«Circle Eight: Fraud»

Back to the hipsters. 

Maybe I'm just an optimist, 

but I don't believe that anyone is genuinely a hipster.

It's just something they put on in the hopes of fitting in & seeming cool.

(Which just means that they'll change their personality 

for whatever the next trend is so UGH.)

Hipster-dom is fraudulent.

Therefore, the drink of the hipsters--PBR--is perfect for these sinners.

«Circle Nine: Treachery»

At last, the final circle of hell. 

Dante defines treachery as fraudulent acts between individuals who share 

special bonds of love and trust. 

So I thought about making this circle A BIG SUICIDE MIXTURE OF ALL ALCOHOL

because I have that sort of bond with alcohol--

I love it, but it keeps betraying me. 

But that might be breaking the rules, 

so I'm choosing moonshine. 

Can be super awesome (so I hear)

but can also make you go blind. 

Treacherous. 

The end. 

This might be something I do again, with other Core books.

#sorryUD

Also, I'm announcing a three two-month spending moratorium. 

So, no: 

- Starbucks drinks

- clothing of any kind

- unnecessary Target purchases

- lazy fast food

- NOTHING

Keep me honest, people. 

(Obviously, birthday drinks don't count.)