I'm the worst.
I promised the Dante continuation for Thursday,
and failed to come through.
Here's the thing:
I was in the Countdown City for a little visit (with no end in sight)
when I got an email about an emergency (!!!) job interview
that absolutely had to be done the next day (Thursday).
So instead of blogging,
I was driving back to DFW hoping to get my life together.
That takes precedence, I think.
Back to D-Man & his hellish vacation through...hell.
Here's the map, as a reminder:
«Circle Five: Wrath»
I was going to choose wine for this circle of hell,
so I could make a grapes of wrath joke,
but that was already used for the Limbo Party.
So I was left with Jager.
This is a very personal & biased decision.
1) Jager & I have some bad history, and
2) Anything that tastes like black licorice is disgusting and makes me angry.
And it might be a stretch, but:
- Guidos drink Jager bombs.
- Guidos have 'roid rage (like wrath, right?).
Jager is associated with rage.
And this guy:
«Circle Six: Heresy»
I'm having some difficulty with choosing a drink for this circle.
With the other levels of hell, something would come to mind pretty quickly.
But I think I've got it.
India Pale Ale.
To come to this conclusion, I had to tear myself away from
the Catholic Church-ey definition of heresy,
and instead look at it something at odds with what is generally accepted.
At this point in time, craft beers are all the rage.
But here's a secret: many beginning brewers hide how bad their beer is
by adding a ton of hops.
(The alliteration in that sentence...yowza.)
And then they try to pass it off as a beer for the "experienced palate".
It's now widely accepted that the mature drinker LUUURVES hoppy beer,
so it is heresy to say that one prefers a BLL to that
bitter, chewable, strained-through-your-hipster-beard brew.
Yo, I don't want to have to gain "experience" or
grow a handle bar mustache to enjoy my beer.
Pass me a Shiner & I'm good to go.
If you do nothing else with your day, just watch this.
Heretics are sentenced to having to drink disgusting beer for eternity.
«Circle Seven: Violence»
Violence makes me think of Communism,
Communism makes me think of Russians, and Russians make me think of vodka.
Simple as that.
This is an AK-47 full of vodka. Russia, y'all.
No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
«Circle Eight: Fraud»
Back to the hipsters.
Maybe I'm just an optimist,
but I don't believe that anyone is genuinely a hipster.
It's just something they put on in the hopes of fitting in & seeming cool.
(Which just means that they'll change their personality
for whatever the next trend is so UGH.)
Hipster-dom is fraudulent.
Therefore, the drink of the hipsters--PBR--is perfect for these sinners.
«Circle Nine: Treachery»
At last, the final circle of hell.
Dante defines treachery as fraudulent acts between individuals who share
special bonds of love and trust.
So I thought about making this circle A BIG SUICIDE MIXTURE OF ALL ALCOHOL
because I have that sort of bond with alcohol--
I love it, but it keeps betraying me.
But that might be breaking the rules,
so I'm choosing moonshine.
Can be super awesome (so I hear)
but can also make you go blind.
This might be something I do again, with other Core books.
Also, I'm announcing a
three two-month spending moratorium.
- Starbucks drinks
- clothing of any kind
- unnecessary Target purchases
- lazy fast food
Keep me honest, people.
(Obviously, birthday drinks don't count.)