Thursday, December 24, 2015

My Grown-Up Christmas List

Sorry for my absence, once again. 1L year I liked to distract myself from my misery by blogging, and (surprise, surprise) that had a negative affect on my grades. So, much to the detriment of anyone who still reads this nonsense, le blog took a backseat to school (ugh) and it looks like it's paying off! Yay me! And now I've finally recovered enough from finals fever to actually appreciate Christmas and whatnot. (Fear not; I'm still somewhat of a humbug. Why else would you be reading?)
In high school, I was super into choir, and went so far as to do show choir and take voice lessons with a private instructor. Every Christmas, my voice teacher would have a little concert for her private students, and every Christmas, someone would sing "My Grown Up Christmas List." I apologize to anyone who feels differently, but that song is one of the worst Christmas songs ever written. It ranks up there with Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas", Justin Bieber's "Mistletoe", and any version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."

Exhibit A: The Chorus

No more lives torn apart,
And wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And every one would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list.

I mean, seriously...

At least I'm honest about my materialism and Scrooginess in My Grown-up Christmas List:
>>Infinite Wine
Shouldn't this be on everybody's Christmas list, though? Don't act like you're better than me. 

>>A Job After Lawl School
Life is expensive, and the only way I get through it is by telling myself that I'll be able to buy all of the pretty things after law school. I've built it up so much that I can't really afford (ha!) to think about the depression spiral I'll go through if I don't actually get a job for a while. 

>>Time and Energy 
Adulting is stressful and tiring. You all feel me on this one. 

>>Fewer People in Existence
While I feel this way about 90% of the time, I fully realize it at Christmastime. People are everywhere, and they are rude. They're all carrying a million bags and are too stupid and oblivious and mean to worry about not hitting people with them. Or they stop in the middle of a walkway without considering the people they may be blocking. Or they walk so slowly that they're basically going backward. 

A large woman shoved me in Sephora yesterday. I'm done with everyone. 

>>The End of the Kardashians and Everything that Came From Them: Contouring, Waist Trainers, STDs Probably
They are the literal worst. 

Contouring is basically paint-by-number camouflage. It is the push-up bra of makeup. My boyfriend can't tell the difference between me with and without makeup. Which makes me simultaneously sad and gratified, but mostly gratified. 

Didn't feminists decide that corsets are woman-hating and patriarchal and conforming to a man-centered idea of desirability? Not to mention all of the spine and organ problems associated with corsets. WHY HAS THIS COME BACK?

And now they've released those stupid Kimojis and I just don't know why they're trying to ruin everything for me. 

Also, I don't think I'm too off-base by wondering if the Kardashians have evolved their own strain of crabs. 

>> And the Usual, Obviously

And now I have to start blowing up a giant gold swan because what else do you get to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior?