My Grown-Up Christmas List

Sorry for my absence, once again. 1L year I liked to distract myself from my misery by blogging, and (surprise, surprise) that had a negative affect on my grades. So, much to the detriment of anyone who still reads this nonsense, le blog took a backseat to school (ugh) and it looks like it's paying off! Yay me! And now I've finally recovered enough from finals fever to actually appreciate Christmas and whatnot. (Fear not; I'm still somewhat of a humbug. Why else would you be reading?)

In high school, I was super into choir, and went so far as to do show choir and take voice lessons with a private instructor. Every Christmas, my voice teacher would have a little concert for her private students, and every Christmas, someone would sing "My Grown Up Christmas List." I apologize to anyone who feels differently, but that song is one of the worst Christmas songs ever written. It ranks up there with Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas", Justin Bieber's "Mistletoe", and any version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."

Exhibit A: The Chorus

No more lives torn apart,
And wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And every one would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list.

I mean, seriously...

At least I'm honest about my materialism and Scrooginess in My Grown-up Christmas List:

>>Infinite Wine

Shouldn't this be on everybody's Christmas list, though? Don't act like you're better than me. 

>>A Job After Lawl School
Life is expensive, and the only way I get through it is by telling myself that I'll be able to buy all of the pretty things after law school. I've built it up so much that I can't really afford (ha!) to think about the depression spiral I'll go through if I don't actually get a job for a while. 
I JUST NEED CERTAIN WEALTH IN THE FUTURE.

>>Time and Energy 
Adulting is stressful and tiring. You all feel me on this one. 

>>Fewer People in Existence

While I feel this way about 90% of the time, I fully realize it at Christmastime. People are everywhere, and they are rude. They're all carrying a million bags and are too stupid and oblivious and mean to worry about not hitting people with them. Or they stop in the middle of a walkway without considering the people they may be blocking. Or they walk so slowly that they're basically going backward. 

A large woman shoved me in Sephora yesterday. I'm done with everyone. 

>>The End of the Kardashians and Everything that Came From Them: Contouring, Waist Trainers, STDs Probably
They are the literal worst. 

Contouring is basically paint-by-number camouflage. It is the push-up bra of makeup. My boyfriend can't tell the difference between me with and without makeup. Which makes me simultaneously sad and gratified, but mostly gratified. 

Didn't feminists decide that corsets are woman-hating and patriarchal and conforming to a man-centered idea of desirability? Not to mention all of the spine and organ problems associated with corsets. WHY HAS THIS COME BACK?

And now they've released those stupid Kimojis and I just don't know why they're trying to ruin everything for me. 

Also, I don't think I'm too off-base by wondering if the Kardashians have evolved their own strain of crabs. 

>> And the Usual, Obviously

And now I have to start blowing up a giant gold swan because what else do you get to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior?

Not a Thing

They weren't lying about 2L year; I'm feeling worked to death. 
My motto for this year: Those who can't do, teach. Those who tried teaching and hated it, volunteer for everything. So I may have signed up for a few too many things and now I'm overwhelmed. In addition to making me super busy and stressed, participating in a lot of things means interacting with a lot of people. 

And we know how I feel about that. 

I have found myself saying under my breath, with more and more frequency, "That's not a thing." By which I mean: whatever you are saying is not real life. Or at least it shouldn't be. 

A few things that are not actually things:

>> Turning on your hazards whenever you please
A couple of weeks ago, I was in court in a suburb of Houston and it conveniently started epic-flooding just in time for me to drive home. The highway was flooding, so everyone was going slower than slow. But one fellow traveler was going even slower and thought that putting his hazards on would excuse this fact. Like no one else was aware of the torrential downpour. 

I've seen this in even less permissible situations, too. I watched someone answer their phone while driving on the highway, slow down to 40 mph, and switch on their hazards. Nope. Not a thing. 

>> "Sexy" Halloween costumes

I've been perusing the Halloween costume sites looking for inspiration for the mermaid costume I'm making, so the slutty costumes are all starting to run together. But a few stick out in my mind. 

Sexy Gnome: like, why? Gnomes are unsexy, by nature. Who saw a garden gnome and thought that anything sexy could come of it?

Sexy Minion: This was a children's movie. You need therapy and Jesus. 

Sexy Checkered Flag: This must be a joke. The description says something along the lines of, "Watch the men race to get to you first!" Watch me lap everyone on my way to vomit from the stupidity. 

As creeped out and curious I am about this whole thing, Men of the Internet, please do not explain your awful fetishes to me in an attempt to mitigate the situation. Please. 

Side Note: Also not a thing? Paying more for what equates to Halloween lingerie.

$75 for underwear?? I sound like a grandmother right now. Whatever. The real costume (as in, more fabric. as in, more product) costs $68. Still too much, in my opinion, but still. BUT STILL. Yikes.

>> Anything from American Apparel

This is a skirt, guys. A SKIRT. Never has there been a more ridiculous company. Their stupidity is suggested by the clothing they manufacture, and cemented by the inclusion of pubic hair on their mannequins. The fact that people shop there in real life is mind-boggling. Reevaluate yourselves. 

>> Personality tests
Literally all science ever shows that these mean nothing. But I remain an INTJ, forever and always. I just found a new one (ironically called the DOPE test) that tells you what bird you are, based on Myers-Briggs-type questions. White girls eat this stuff up.

We might as well give up on trying to make an all-inclusive, classless society, because white girls will continue taking Buzzfeed quizzes that tell us which Chanel-from-Scream-Queens we are (I'm #5, duh). Sorry, socialism, but if I'm more Taylor Swift and she's more Ed Sheeran, she can't sit with me. 

Things that are definitely things:
ABC Family's upcoming 13 Days of Halloween, acoustic covers of rap songs (I'm going through a phase), and my inability to care about classes this year. 

Welcome to Law-Law-Land

I don't know why this one has been so hard to write. Wrapping up 1L year, starting an internship, and filling my weekends with travel + training has wiped me of all creativity and comedy. I'm currently laid up in bed, covered in the most heinous-looking mosquito bites ever seen, high on my own special type of purple drank (Benadryl + red wine because a girl's gotta get her Peeno Noir Midsize Car on), so I figured now is as good a time as any to overcome my writer's block.

Finishing 1L, I finally feel like this whole law school thing is actually happening. As we all know, I don't have the greatest track record with sticking with real life decisions. (If I ever say that I'm going to teach at a law school, shoot me.) A year down and $50,000 of Uncle Sam's Monopoly money, and I guess I will fully commit to this thing. So here are some things I learned from my first year in this hellhole:

>> Be afraid. Be very afraid. 

There are too many reasons to be afraid of law school. (1) Lawyers are terrible. Future lawyers are even worse. These people are just asshats. Asshats who will wield a fair amount of power in the future. (2) Doing poorly is bad, but doing well is also kinda sucky because then you have all sorts of commitments like Law Review and whatnot. I wouldn't know. (3) At the end of this, there's THE BAR.

>> Summertime sadness.
Class is finished, exams are over, and now you get 3 long months of relaxation. 

Apparently, law school summers mean working full-time (often for free or academic credit, which you can't even exchange for wine WTH AMERICA) and also probably taking a class because who needs free time after 9 months of terrible?? You spent a good portion of spring semester searching for a summer internship and you got one! Yay! Rest on those laurels, right? Except now you have to spend your summer searching for a fall internship. It never ends.

>> Hydrate.
Shout out to the one who's been there for me through all the tough times: WINE.

But water has been my savior this past year. Bored at work? Drink a ton of water and then you have an excuse to get up and walk around every so often. Don't want to get called on in class? Drink a ton of water and you have an excuse to get up and walk around every so often.

>> I am way underqualified. for everything. but so is everyone else.

I have zero skillz to offer law firms. I don't really think that feeling goes away. As someone who constantly underestimates herself, I anticipate feeling ill-prepared and unqualified until the day I die. If you are ever a future client of mine, I apologize.

But having taken classes all year with a bunch of future lawyers, let me tell you: avoid legal trouble. at least I only think that I'm un(der)qualified; I know for a fact that many of these people (who will eventually pass THE BAR) are stupid as hell. so seriously, avoid having to hire one of these idiots.

>> professional school =/= professionalism

Oh, how I miss the "drama" at UD. I thought that was bad. law school is what I imagine high school was like for people who peaked in high school. except with a ton more stress and a lot less parental supervision. 

These people don't seem to understand how judgmental I am and how long my memory is. You may think that, 10 years from now, I'll be able to see you at happy hour and not recall your drunken lesbian hook-up with a section-mate on Halloween, but think again. Think again.

>> Embrace the douche

Law students are the absolute worst. I include myself in that. But let us have this. Because the job market sucks, we'll be slaving away for the next 50 years to pay off loans, and everybody already hates us. Embracing the douche ("climbing down" as Jack Donaghy would say) just makes us feel better about these super-iffy choices we've made in our lives.



I had a bunch more things I learned. I promise. But I just finished a super hard workout + it's a million degrees outside + lots and lots of wine. My brain is done.

P.S. My mom has been repeatedly requesting another blog post, so I'm hoping that this will spur her to deposit a little something-something into my bank account. Preferably before I have to pay rent again. Because I may not be able to. #nomoneymoproblems

Real Housewife of Law School: Innocent Until Proven Guilty

If anyone tries to confront me on not being a very good blogger for the next 2 years, I will simply fall to the ground & sob something about suing you. In fact, the same applies if anyone tries to confront me on anything at all. 

First things first: I survived my first year of law school!

Now I have time to reflect and whatnot. (Except not really because I have an internship and a night class.) 

I survived multiple floods, threats of gang violence, horrible traffic, and mosquitos the size of my head. But the worst? The worst was school. Duh. 

My average day during the semester:

7:00 - Lie in bed, questioning all the choices I've made in life. 

7:02 - Get up, take care of all the sundry toiletry things. Change approximately three times because I forget that I live in the worst, most humid place on Earth, and then because I didn't look at the weather and it's raining. #HUMIDITY Ten minutes into my morning routine, I turn on Taylor Swift because at that point I'm slightly awake and can appreciate her glory.

7:35 - Stumble, half-asleep to my car. This day is happening. Driving must occur. Ready, set...commute. 

I either pray a rosary or let more T. Swift wash over me. On the way, I pass 3+ homeless people and almost get hit by wayward vehicles 4 times. Adrenaline pumping, I am now awake. 

7:57 - Sit in the parking lot, drinking my coffee and thinking about driving away. And never coming back. Eventually I remind myself that I can't go back now and law school is a thing I'm doing, so I wander over to the coffee shop across from the law center and finish reading for the day. 

9:00 - 1:00 (ish) - Classes. Yuck. To name a few from my first year: 

• Lawyering Skills and Strategies: Just the absolute worst. Super tedious, super nit-picky, super stupid. Naturally, it's my one class that lasted two semesters, instead of the usual one. 
• Torts: One semester later, and I still couldn't give you a proper definition of a tort. The most important thing I learned: never own wild animals or explosives. 
• Constitutional Law: Waaaaaaay less interesting than it sounds. Highlights: Marbury v. Madison takes a month to talk about, Plessy v. Ferguson is super embarrassing, and Lawrence v. Texas spurs really awkward class discussions. And judges do whatever they want, depending on the general political climate of the country. #Murica
• Statutory and Regulatory Interpretation: See above about judges and their "interpretive" skills, except a million times worse and even drier than it sounds (if possible).
• Property: Don't even ask me what happened in this class. I was way too busy crushing on the professor.   

Moral of the story: I spent much of my first year avoiding getting called on. 

I failed that objective miserably, as I was called on more than anyone else in multiple classes. However, I took solace in heaving sighs when stupid people spoke and pretending I was Jim from The Office. 

But I made it through the wilderness. Somehow I made it through. And now it's summer time, which means laying by the pool, trips to the river, and glorious nothing. 

Sike. There's no rest for the wicked or the law student, so I started an internship with a super interesting non-profit working with death row inmates. 

Maybe I'll elaborate on that at some point, but for now, it will make for some great conversation/drunken debates at the 10,000 weddings I have this summer. 

20 Things All 20-Somethings LOVE

This will be therapeutic and not at all sarcastic, I promise. Take a deep breath in while we count up...

1. Panic attacks

Don't act like you know me, WebMD.

Consider me an expert. I didn't used to be this emotional, I promise. Anxiety is just suuuuch a jerk. Finals are coming, so (naturally) I found myself sobbing my way through Lady Macbeth's "unsex me" soliloquy while NOT studying and watching animal youtube videos last weekend. 

2. Bank statements

In today's world of disappearing snapchats and unfriendable friends, why on earth would I want a written account of my mistakes?

3. Grad school

No one wants to rack up MORE debt, but it's necessary for any sort of decent job. The last time I celebrated "no school ever againnnnn!", I ended up hating my job and having two options: go back to school to become an administrator, or go back to school for something entirely different. I will never jinx myself like that ever again. If this whole lawyer thing doesn't work out, I'm taking an new path altogether - trophy wife. No BA, or JD, or MBA (or anything but DDs) necessary. 

4. Possibly having to move back in with your parents

I did this for a couple of months before law school, and it really doesn't have to be so bad. But let it go too long, and there is a definite danger of devolving into your high school self. Not cute. 

5. #PicturePerfect Insta

@laurenconrad. whatever. 

No, I'm not married to a former rockstar with a cool name, I don't have my own adorable AND charitable business, and my life isn't constantly bathed in soft light. I confess to following all of those #BWB accounts and getting all bent out of shape that my life isn't as beautiful/colorful/fun. WHY DON'T I HAVE A GIANT INFLATABLE SWAN?

6. Insomnia

This should have been right after "Panic attacks", because this seems like a chicken-or-the-egg situation. The anxiety causes me to not sleep, except maybe I can't properly deal with my anxiety because of the insomnia. I'm either not sleeping at all, or getting AWFUL sleep. Last night, I dreamed of a child serial killer (THANKS, CRIM LAW). There's no winning. 

7. Fake FOMO

I'm a rather difficult creature, in this regard. I get slight FOMO, but I also only want to stay at home forever. However, I get the feeling that this isn't so rare. It seems like everyone wants to stay in and Netflix on the weekends. So why can't we all just admit it? Stop pretending that you have the energy to stand in crowded bars and yell at people over the pounding music. Just stop. Succumb to it. Pour yourself a glass of wine, curl up in your Snuggie, and binge-watch your trashy TV of choice.

8. Networking Happy Hours

I have literally nothing to offer anyone, job-wise. There is no way to present that in an attractive manner. Whoever decided it would be a good idea to mix job-poor people with an alcohol-rich environment deserves the cruelest and most unusual punishment.

9. Modern dating

I have legitimately never heard anyone say that they love the way dating has changed with the times. Maybe I hang out with a weird group, but every. single. person I have talked with wonders what happened. Beyond the modern feminist that I am, I used Tinder for a hot minute and was just super scandalized. I have heard some Tinder success stories, but that was NOT my experience. I'm not demanding much: ask me out, feed me a meal, converse with me like a human. In fact, the meal is optional because I know a lot of us are poor students. JUST DON'T LEAD WITH A SEXUAL INNUENDO (in your end-o [I'm sorry, I had to (that's what she said)]). <-- I apologize for that punctuation.

10. Underemployment

I've complained about this before. But, at the law firm I worked for, I was the only person, aside from the attorneys, with a college degree. And I got paid the least. 



And because that was thoroughly depressing, here's some things we really love. 
So exhale as we count down...


10. Remix to Ignition
I've found that this is universal. Everyone simply loves this song. 

This man: famous for urinating on girls, getting Trapped in the Closet, and bringing together an entire generation. We should probably just blast this on the intercom at Gitmo. 

9. Happy Hour

No pressure to network. Not the intensity of a real night out. Just a lot of decently-priced alcohol and the option to not speak to anyone.

8. Trips back to undergrad

In what world would I not want to relive my college days--excessive drinking, silly dance parties, weird sleeping locations, and all--without the stress of actually being in college? If ever there comes a day when I willingly turn that down, put me out of my misery. 

7. New friends

Making friends post-grad was super difficult, at first. That's probably because I was teaching at a school where the mean age of the teachers was about 40. When your co-workers can't stop talking about how young you are, there's probably not a great possibility of friendship. My policy: as long as you're old enough to drink with me, we're good. In law school, this has spurred a number of friendships I never could have anticipated. Misery loves company & company loves alcohol. I think that's how that saying goes. 
6. New relationships

Blah blah blah I'mbeingsappyeverythingiswonderfulmoveon blah blah blah

But really. For those of us who lived in a bubble for 4 years and then stayed in that bubble for 2 more years (ahem), new possibilities are kind of great. UD was a super incestuous place, which was just disconcerting. The idea of dating someone completely unknown is scary and exciting and something real adults might do. Schweird. 

5. Spontaneity

Sure, I choose to Netflix most nights. But, oh, the possibilities! There were plenty of times when I would get off work from Anthro at 11 or 12, and someone would call about getting drinks at the Rustic (Emilyyyyyyyy). And I worked every Saturday at 8 AM, but that didn't stop me from hitting Katy Ice House on Friday night. Nowadays, I make the responsible choice, but I like knowing that I have the freedom to do whatever I waaaaant (within reason, because money or whatever). 

4. Imperfection

So all of that stuff I mentioned about those enviable Insta accounts remains true. Except in the time it took them to filter the hell out of that picture of their lobster-stuffed avocado and cilantro-lime margarita with artistically-placed sunglasses and perfectly-manicured hand (SO MANY HYPHENATIONS JUST THEN), I drank 3 margaritas + ate a couple of street tacos and now we're playing Cards Against Humanity while trying to make as many legal puns as possible. So I'll take my unfiltered, imperfect (but still Instagrammable) life. 

3. Wine

When I was growing up, my parents weren't the lushes they are now (loooooove y'all!). But I can remember my mom having a glass of wine every now and then, and I thought it was just weird and unknown and adult. Once I started student teaching & working, I understood. Post-work wine is not a luxury; it is a necessity for survival (mine and everyone else's). As a type this, I'm sitting down to my I-just-studied-constitutional-law-all-day glass of wine. It's wine or a bullet through my brain. Wine is a lot less messy. 

2. Complaining

Do you remember how this blog started in the first place? A surplus of sarcasm + an insatiable need for attention + a shortage of employment = PWG. The instability of your 20s makes it the perfect time for blaming anyone and everyone for your insignificant problems. Dig real deep; I'm sure you can find some way your getting charged extra for guac is right up there next to the persecution of Christians in the Middle East.

1. Schmidt

There is no rhyme or reason to this list. I apologize. I couldn't think of another thing we all love, and then I realized that, just like Remix to Ignition, I've never heard of anyone who hates Schmidt. He's the perfect combination of attractive + awkward + smug + Jewish. And as I have a strange love for all things Semitic, he's obviously my favorite. 

This may be the last time you hear from me. Ever. I have an 8-hour Constitutional Law exam on Tuesday, so I anticipate that killing me. I leave no Will, as I haven't taken that class yet, so everyone can just divide my garments by lot. I remember reading about that somewhere (kiddinggggg). But really, wish me luck or help me cheat. One of the two.