My motto for this year: Those who can't do, teach. Those who tried teaching and hated it, volunteer for everything. So I may have signed up for a few too many things and now I'm overwhelmed. In addition to making me super busy and stressed, participating in a lot of things means interacting with a lot of people.
And we know how I feel about that.
I have found myself saying under my breath, with more and more frequency, "That's not a thing." By which I mean: whatever you are saying is not real life. Or at least it shouldn't be.
A few things that are not actually things:
>> Turning on your hazards whenever you please
A couple of weeks ago, I was in court in a suburb of Houston and it conveniently started epic-flooding just in time for me to drive home. The highway was flooding, so everyone was going slower than slow. But one fellow traveler was going even slower and thought that putting his hazards on would excuse this fact. Like no one else was aware of the torrential downpour.
I've seen this in even less permissible situations, too. I watched someone answer their phone while driving on the highway, slow down to 40 mph, and switch on their hazards. Nope. Not a thing.
>> "Sexy" Halloween costumes
I've been perusing the Halloween costume sites looking for inspiration for the mermaid costume I'm making, so the slutty costumes are all starting to run together. But a few stick out in my mind.
Sexy Gnome: like, why? Gnomes are unsexy, by nature. Who saw a garden gnome and thought that anything sexy could come of it?
Sexy Minion: This was a children's movie. You need therapy and Jesus.
Sexy Checkered Flag: This must be a joke. The description says something along the lines of, "Watch the men race to get to you first!" Watch me lap everyone on my way to vomit from the stupidity.
As creeped out and curious I am about this whole thing, Men of the Internet, please do not explain your awful fetishes to me in an attempt to mitigate the situation. Please.
Side Note: Also not a thing? Paying more for what equates to Halloween lingerie.
$75 for underwear?? I sound like a grandmother right now. Whatever. The real costume (as in, more fabric. as in, more product) costs $68. Still too much, in my opinion, but still. BUT STILL. Yikes.
>> Anything from American Apparel
This is a skirt, guys. A SKIRT. Never has there been a more ridiculous company. Their stupidity is suggested by the clothing they manufacture, and cemented by the inclusion of pubic hair on their mannequins. The fact that people shop there in real life is mind-boggling. Reevaluate yourselves.
>> Personality tests
Literally all science ever shows that these mean nothing. But I remain an INTJ, forever and always. I just found a new one (ironically called the DOPE test) that tells you what bird you are, based on Myers-Briggs-type questions. White girls eat this stuff up.
We might as well give up on trying to make an all-inclusive, classless society, because white girls will continue taking Buzzfeed quizzes that tell us which Chanel-from-Scream-Queens we are (I'm #5, duh). Sorry, socialism, but if I'm more Taylor Swift and she's more Ed Sheeran, she can't sit with me.
Things that are definitely things:
ABC Family's upcoming 13 Days of Halloween, acoustic covers of rap songs (I'm going through a phase), and my inability to care about classes this year.