What's My Age Again?

Via Hyperbole and a Half. 

For a long time, I hated the verb "adulting."
It felt patronizing, yet somehow self-congratulatory at the same time.
"Look at my struggle, but see how I'm capable of simple survival!"

But then I developed a theory:
Maybe these infantilizing words and phrases that garner such ridicule from other generations 
and make us seem so childish--words like "adulting"--were invented by those generations so they feel redeemed.
Remember all those times we got blamed for ruining things?
Maybe those older generations were trying the ole misdirection technique:
"Point out what bumbling man-children they are and maybe people will forget that we actually did ruin literally everything always."

And then my brain, which is a dark, tangled web of conspiracy theories and Harry Potter trivia 
(CONSTANT VIGILANCE), 
developed this a little further and decided that not only did those older generations want to distract from their own shortcomings buuuuuuuuuuuut were spending so much time convincing everyone (including us) 
that we're just large toddlers with driver's licenses in order to keep us from doing anything.
So we will always be dependent on them to make decisions and they will always have a place in society 
(other than their rightful place: debtor's prison). 

Or maybe I just made up this theory because I'm desperately trying to redeem my own generation. 
The struggle is real. 

Regardless, having reached the age of 27, lived alone for 5 years, and attained employment as an attorney, 
I still only have fleeting moments where I feel like an adult. 
(Mostly, those come when I pay off my credit card, 
except that feeling is moderated by the fact that my password is one that I've had since 8th grade 
and includes a child's toy.)
But I've recently discovered/purchased some things that make me feel COMPLETELY ADULT, I CONTROL MY DESTINY, NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO. 
And some of these things are embarrassing. 

Like this:
1. Drain Protector

Now, I won't go into details, but you know how other people's bodily functions and whatnot are SUPER GROSS, 
but your own are just whatever?
Well, my hair in the drain was such that my own gag reflex was being activated.
You're welcome for that. 
But I sing the praises of this little guy, and for some reason it makes me feel all responsible.


2. Wine Club

I have been of legal drinking age for a while now 
(and let's be real: did I let a silly thing like age stop me before then?), 
but getting a box full of wine delivered straight to my door is v v adult. 
The pace at which I drink it is v v college, but whatever. 


And speaking of wine...
3. Medium-cheap Wine

Frugal, not miserly. 
Always aiming for post-trauma Scrooge (except my generosity benefits me, not Muppets). 


4. Real furniture

Before now, I had a bed frame that was approximately 3 inches off the ground. 
That is not an exaggeration. 
I made myself feel better about my glorified sleeping bag with the knowledge that there was no possible way a man 
(or woman #genderbias) could fit under my bed to kill me in the night.
So really this new furniture is kind of an inconvenience because I have to go to sleep fearing for my life. 
Win some, lose some. 


5. Gym membership
And planning out my weekly gym seshes. 
And meal planning and prepping. 
And comparison shopping for a new heart rate monitor (RIP). 
Basically, trying to outrun my sedentary lifestyle (thanks, #lawlyfe!) 
and just survive to middle age makes me feel very adult. 
I feel very adult walking into the gym after work in my bus caj (business casual, OBVS), 
sometimes checking that last minute text/email from ole Big Boss about an important case.
JK I don't check my email after work hahahahahahaha 
But really guys: Polar H7 or some variation of a Fitbit?? I DON'T KNOW AND MY LONGEVITY MAY DEPEND ON IT. 


So I may be turning into an adult!
But then I remember that April and Andy were technically adults, so I'm not convinced that "adult" means anything.

Also I'm pretty sure I've been 70 since I was 10, so who knows.