Post-Grad Lyfe, A to Zed: Law Lyfe Edition II

It was my hope to finish this one LAST weekend, but I found myself engaged in a Helm's Deep meets Battle of the Bastards struggle with a cockroach the size of a Maine coon.
Two glasses of wine Mary did not want to deal with it, so I spent five minutes refusing to leave the room,
and then five more minutes psyching myself up and arming myself (a towel I was hoping would have some sort of
cat o' nine tails effect; motorcycle boots to lessen the crunching sensation as I stamped out its life;
and hairspray because the bug poison was in the kitchen, which my opponent had claimed as its stronghold.)

When I charged onto the battlefield after those oh-so-necessary ten minutes, the enemy was nowhere to be found.
Being the battle-hardened and skilled strategist that I am, I quickly implemented the ole "Turn into a Statue so as to Not Frighten the Bug" tactic.
Upon sensing motion on the wall to my left, I turned, pointed, and yelled "YOU!" in an accusatory manner.
Because I am a Scooby Doo villain.

Oddly, my weapons were insufficient, and so I admitted defeat, retreated to my bedroom, barricaded myself in via towels stuffed under the doors, and went to sleep.
I spent the next day unable to focus on anything but the simplest of tasks, as I imagined cat-sized cockroaches were lurking behind every corner.

Kafka would have much to say about this, I'm sure.


If you managed to stay with me through that rousing war story, we'll now round out this edition of Post-Grad Lyfe, A to Zed:

Moderation
Of which I have none. I am really trying to put money into savings and whatnot,
but there are just too many pretty things to buy.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

My apartment complex is probably going to start demanding payment for every package of mine that they have to sign for. It would be fairly lucrative for them.

Nonsense
Of which I put up with a lot.
Most of my co-workers at this current job are great, provided we discuss nothing of importance.
Once we enter the realm of politics or religion or values, it's an SJW paradise and I'm in my own personal hell.
I got into an actual argument with a co-worker because he said he "feels" that golden retrievers are racist.
Because feelings = facts. He also claimed that there are more golden retriever attacks than pit bull attacks per year.

This must be the sort of "attack" he's talking about.

This was quickly becoming a very, very thinly-veiled race conversation, and I'm fairly certain that the blinding whiteness of my skin is actually offensive in and of itself to certain people, so I took my leave of the entire discussion.

In another conversation, he compared a violent cult to the pilgrims and to religion in general (saying that there is no difference, really), then regurgitated that tired, false "Christopher Columbus knowingly killed all the Natives" narrative, then claimed that anti-Semitism and nationalism are the same thing. It was a doozy.
The running joke at work is how "judgey" I am. Like, duh. But tell me how that's a bad thing.
I wear my judgment like a badge of honor.

Overtime...doesn't exist
At my prior Job-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, I was a salaried employee.
Meaning, I got paid the same amount regardless of the number of hours I worked.
At first, that was fine. But then. BUT THEN.
I started to lose my weekends. I was asked to come in very very early and stay very very late.
For the same amount of money.

I had no time for friends, the gym, a personal life, anything.
I would have been (relatively) fine with this if there was any sort of upward mobility.
But it was made very clear to me that there was no chance of ever making partner and any sort of raise would be in the distant future.
Not my jam.

Professionalism
That word should really be in quotations. Lawyers are absurd.
There is an obsession with professionalism, and ethics, and reputation,
except that obsession is quickly pushed aside in favor of snarky tone, disrespectful words, and outright name-calling.

Hypocrites, all of them us, I guess.
There are all sorts of unwritten rules you're supposed to follow, but few of them make sense to me, and I can never get any justification other than "that's just how it is."
An appeal to tradition is right up my alley, but only if it works.
Law school sucks, lawyers suck, the legal field sucks. Let's maybe change something?

Qualifications
I went to law school. While there, I worked various jobs and internships in the legal field the majority of the time.
Then I graduated from law school.

You'd think this would make me qualified for something, right?
Lol.
Always and forever struggling with that whole "need experience to get experience" conundrum.

Relationships
I see my family once every few months. And then just for a whirlwind couple of days.
I see my boyfriend once a week (twice if I'm lucky).
I would get a dog, but that relationship would likely be neglected too.
JOBS ARE THE WORST.

Sisyphean tasks
I sort through file materials.
I chain title.
I identify problems.
I write a title opinion.
Done? Start all over again with another file.
But change the specific tasks and that is just every job.
We are all cogs in a machine. Accept it.

Taaaaaaaxes
I've mentioned it before, but I'm in a contract position which means my taxes aren't withheld from each paycheck.
I understand that this doesn't mean I'm paying any more in taxes.
But it does mean that I have to personally witness and ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE in the withholding of said taxes myself.
I am fully complicit in the government's THEFT of my rightfully earned wages.

Unwanted solicitations
Before being barred, unwanted solicitations used to be telemarketers and guys at bars.
Now, I get asked legal advice from people I haven't spoken to in years.

The least you can do is buy ya girl a bottle of wine for that free lawyer ish.
(Disclaimer: Any advice given is for informational purposes only and not for the purpose of providing legal advice and also might be a huge joke. You should contact a real grown-up attorney to obtain advice with respect to any particular issue or problem, because I am but a baby attorney. Actions taken in accordance with said advice does not create an attorney-client relationship. You are taking your own life in your hands by listening to and/or taking any advice. You are on your own. I will deny even knowing you.)

Vanilla
My life. I do nothing risky whatsoever.
I put more aside for taxes than is necessary, so *fingers crossed* I get some back later.
I got very excited about a shelf to put in my closet for shoe organization.
I'm considering switching my wine shipment from all red to half red, half white for the summer.

The craziest thing I've done recently is rabbit-hole pretty hard on Unabomber research.
Also I yelled at someone in traffic the other day, which actually is high risk behavior in Houston.
Also I bought romaine lettuce the other day.
So I guess you could say I really do live a little dangerously.

Wake-up Call
This is real life. 
I'm not an intern or clerk anymore.
Yes, my work is still approved by a supervising attorney, but this feels more serious.
I know it inspires confidence when one's attorney forgets that she's a real attorney.
Shut up.

EXclusivity (X is difficult. Give this one to me.)
Lawyers like to pretend that this is an elite field.
Except I witnessed the actual meltdown of an attorney via rant on an oh-so-exclusive lawyer FB group (bar number, SSN, and blood of your first born required for membership) in which she mentioned being a stripper before law school
and used language surely not allowed in a courtroom.

Clearly, the legal field has flung open its doors to all sorts of gutter trash.
You can take the girl out of the strip club...

Your Honor ... is really hard to remember
I don't go to court. I never want to go to court. For so many reasons.
One reason being that it is a certainty that I will screw up the courtroom decorum.
Combine anxiety with a complete disdain for most of the pointless legal conventions, and you get me accidentally calling the judge "Your Majesty."

Ziprecruiter
I have a job. As mentioned, I'm a contract attorney, so that job has an end date.
As such, I have become well-acquainted with Ziprecruiter and all of the other job search sites.
They are the death of me, but I just keep coming back.