Dante's Heck

Public Swagger Announcement: I took an elbow to the head at a Papa Roach concert at the beginning of the summer. If you would like to take a second to imagine me at a Papa Roach concert, I understand.

Let's blame the possible resultant concussion for my long absence this summer.
(Also Sweet T was bar prepping and needed my unwavering attention, obvi.)
I was inspired by that near-death experience, though.
For much of the concert, I was (a) behind a large girl with waist-length dreads which whipped against me as she headbanged, and (b) next to a very drunk older gentleman who ended up resting most of his weight against me as he listed dramatically to the left, our main point of contact being his armpit against my shoulder.
And then someone dropped 'bows on me, as Luda would say.
It was my own personal Heck. Not full-on Hell because I was still having a good time and I'd like to think I'm not a bad person who deserves Hell. But Heck. Definitely Heck.

Dante's Diamine 

(or something. I took 2 seconds to Google Translate "heck" into Italian.)

For reference, here's the "real" version. Like mine isn't real. 

1st Circle: Limbo >> That Autistic Co-Worker

"Could y'all act normal literally one time? One single time. Please."

Everyone has that autistic co-worker who makes you realize how normal and socially competent you are.

But, I promise you, mine is worse. 

I probably shouldn't share too much while we still work together, but oh, the stories I have.

My other co-workers and I call these stories the "'Berger Chronicles" and maybe someday

I will be far enough removed from this individual as to write about her. Because the stories are a-plenty. I am a frequent "secondhand embarrassment" sufferer, and listening to her attempts at socialization makes my teeth itch and gives me the stress sweats.

Obviously, it would be a slight breach of social niceties (not that she would know) to just come out and ask if her she shares any similarities with Rain Man, so her status on the spectrum is undetermined. 

However, she's caught me on a good day, so I've erred on the side of autism and she lands merely in Heck Limbo.

Potential mental deficiency is a mitigating factor, for future reference.

Eternal Punishment: Having to make small talk, forever.

2nd Circle: Lust >> Cringey Couples on Social Media

Facebook is for event invitations, photos via Instagram, and the occasional witty status. 

Not for couples to near-pornographically emote all over each other.

Public declarations of love are for chick flicks and wealthy people.

I may be (only slightly) exaggerating but this modern version of PDA is absolutely horrific. 

Names and images have been redacted to save them the embarrassment.

My face involuntarily drops into Grumpy Cat upon reading this sort of drivel. 

Please do not take my intense disapproval as jealousy or bitterness. Far from it. 

I just subscribe to that old-fashioned notion that any and all public declarations of love should be communicated via the construction of a large, beautiful building in my honor. 

A small enough unit of time does not exist to describe how quickly I would initiate the break-up conversation if my significant other gushed all over social media.
I'll allow the occasional post praising your main squeeze for being a wonderful human, or acting a certain way, or achieving something great; a missive directed specifically to your main squeeze on a public forum and consisting of overly sentimental schmutz? Nah. 

Do you not have texting? Slide into his DMs with that nonsense, girlfriend.

Eternal Punishment: Flip phone and Bing, in perpetuity. Also your right hand is constantly asleep. Try posting that bunk with outdated technology and a gimpy hand.

3rd Circle: Gluttony >> Freeloader Co-Workers

Treats, treats everywhere, but not a crumb to eat. 

Co-workers seem to be taking the brunt of my ire, but deservedly so. 

A friend of mine works with a woman who takes far more than her fair share of the office snacks and goodies brought in by co-workers, without even waiting until the end of the day to make sure everyone got something. She immediately grabs multiple plates of food, while loudly proclaiming (as justification) that she's taking it home for her kids.

The rightful assumption is that office food is consumed by office people. 

Not their extended family and friends who contribute nothing to the office. 

The company is not a welfare state.

Also in this circle: co-workers who, while eating your slaved-over food, request that you bake different treats the next time you oh-so-generously decide to bring in treats for the office.

Eternal Punishment: Every single meal, looking forward to the food brought, only to discover that someone else already ate it.

4th Circle: Avarice & Prodigality >> Financially-Irresponsible Millenials

Do you even need that rock? Just put the rock down. You can't afford rocks that big.

Y'all make me nervous.

I see your Monday through Thursday posts.
You had to forego guac at Chipotle, but there your ass goes to Ibiza.
Y'all go hard on trips, clothes, and going out, but live in a constant state of near-overdraft.
It is my sincere hope that the entire system collapses before my hyper-responsible self is having to support an entire generation of morons into retirement.
Find Jesus. Or at least Dave Ramsey.

Eternal Punishment: Perpetual surge on Uber. Not that you care.

5th Circle: Wrath & Sullenness >> Maybe Me? But Also the Weekly Ted Cruz Protesters

"You know what I have in my hands, Barbara? Your generation's contributions to society.
Get it, Barbara? Do you get it? They're empty. My hands are empty, Barbara."

I know I've mentioned them before, but they get more annoying by the week.
They add new chants based on current events, but each chant is worse than the one before.
A bunch of post-menopausal baby boomers (and one male baby boomer! #equality) yelling about "my body, my choice?"
Nah, girl. It may be your body, but the decision was made by the jackboot of time stomping out all of your viable eggs.
"Hey, hey, NRA, how many kids died today?"
None. None is the answer, Judy. Now go home and die with whatever dignity you have left.

(Hint: the answer there is also "none." None dignity.)

Ted Cruz is literally never in this office. He cannot hear you, and he does not care.
But I can hear you. And I certainly care.
I care so very much that I will now make an effort to vote for Ted Cruz, just to spite you.

Eternal Punishment: Living forever in the socialist "paradise" of their dreams. Have fun starving for eternity, hippies.

6th Circle: Heresy >> Baby Boomer Priests

Two baby boomer condemnations in a row? They deserve it.
Maybe the outbreak of Church scandals lately has me lashing out,
but I am SO. TIRED. of hippy dippy priests.
Please stop beginning your homily with a joke.
Please stop treating Mass like you're hosting your own personal game show.
Please stop acting like the dad on a sitcom, and act like the Father of your parish.
"Feel-good" homilies may keep butts in seats, but you aren't leading anyone to heaven.
In fact, your behavior is probably hurting my chances of getting into heaven,
because God probably disapproves of my eye-rolling and open grimaces.
HELP A SISTER OUT AND QUIT BEING SUCH AN IDIOT.

Eternal Punishment: The worst hymn known to man, "Lord of the Dance," on repeat, and off pitch (in true Catholic style).

7th Circle: Violence

Against Neighbor >> Bad Drivers

"Ahoy, friend! I'm about to absolutely desecrate the rules of the road, and then blame you. Gird your loins!"

Last night, I told Tyler of my intention to stop cursing so much and requested his help in doing so.
He hesitated, then asked if that included cursing when driving.
Rude. Fair, but rude.
Houston driving is absurd. Houston drivers are a crime against nature.
My mom can tell exactly where I am in my commute (I call her on my way home every day, duh) by the quality/quantity of outrage being ever-so-politely communicated to my fellow drivers.
There is one particular roundabout that just seems to confound the entire population of Houston.
Once, the person rounding about in front of me got halfway around, appeared to panic at the idea of completing the mission successfully, and came to a dead stop in the middle lane.
You will be relieved to hear that they turned their hazards on, lest someone fail to appreciate the cluster they were creating during commuter traffic.

Eternal Punishment: Never being able to get around the car in front of you going 10 under the speed limit.

Against Self >> Feminists

"The fact that we are wood is problematic. #metoo"

All talk of the wage gap, glass ceilings, tilted floors, and #metoo makes me want to grab a shard of that already-shattered glass ceiling and jam it straight into my temple. 

There's a special place in Heck for women who insist on perpetuating this lie that only harms other women.

Also in this circle: Women who quote Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Eternal Punishment: The only things on TV are a loop of your most embarrassing moments and Amy Schumer stand-up.

Against God >> Bad Church Singers

So flat, the notes hit you like bricks. So sharp, they puncture your very soul.
At the same time? Yes.

I understand that I am full-on Screwtape-ing myself right now, but here we are. 

I have sat in the vicinity of the same bad singer 3 Sundays in a row now, so the wound is fresh.
He doesn't change pitch. Like...the music does. The rest of the congregation does. He...does not.
Mind you, this is not chant. The pitch is supposed to change.
And he is quite loud and proud about his tunelessness.
You kind of have to admire his perseverance in the face of such affliction.
I mean that in the figurative "you" because I definitely don't admire it.
He who sings, prays twice, but maybe he can pray twice as quietly in the future.

Eternal Punishment: Every time you talk, you can actually hear yourself. Like you're listening to yourself via recording and you can't believe you actually sound like that, except...live.

8th Circle: Fraud
(I'm Just Going to Pick a Few Categories, Because Dante Was WORDY and I am Le Tired)

Panders & Seducers >> Multi-Level Marketing Morons

Your phone buzzes with a new notification. 

A friend from high school you haven't spoken to in years?
You open up Facebook, only to see "Hey girl! How have you been?? Random question. Are you interested in making a little (or a LOT lol) money on the side while meeting fabulous like-minded GIRL BOSSES??"

You think I don't see through your nickname-instead-of-real-name-to-generate-closeness-but-also-make-it-easier-to-copy-and-paste trick?
Look, I get what you're going for: a fun side hustle to earn a little spending money. Got it.
But please, for the love of God, complete said hustle without cluttering up my inbox and making things weird.
I don't want to be mean to your sweet essential oil dabbed, botanic & organic lotioned, waterproof lip colored face, but if you use me to make a buck, you are forcing my hand.
I see your posts.
1. If I want your shit, I will come to you.
2. I make decent money. At this stage in my life, drinking wine is my side hustle.
Leave me in peace.

Eternal Punishment: Forever juuuuust missing the qualifying mark for the company's prized cruise/trip/car/etc. reserved for top sellers. Sucks to suck.

Flatterers >> Girls Who Overuse "I Love You"

"I only love my bed and my momma lol but also you.
...Now say it back. Please?"

Girl, no you don't. Or if you really do: who hurt you?
Why are you the way that you are?
This blog is really not equipped to handle daddy issues, so we'll leave that one where it is.
Just know that your overuse of "I love you" makes me feel so damn awkward and feels like an attempt to undermine the love I actually feel for...ya know...my loved ones.
GET A PUPPY AND LEARN HOW TO CHANNEL YOUR EMOTIONS.

Eternal Punishment: Constant fear of never finding love. Oh, wait. That's already a thing for these girls. Whatever.

Simonists
Guys, I don't even know.
This one is very very specific and I am very very tired.
LET ME BE.

Thieves >> Lying Panhandlers, But Mostly That Man Who Dipped His Squeegee Into a Puddle on the Street and Then Used it to Clean My Windshield Despite My Saying No Repeatedly

"And Satan’s army[, armed with squeegees] marched across the earth and gathered around the camp
of God’s people and the city God loves. But fire came down from heaven and burned them up." Rev. 20:9

This one may be a tad personal.
Y'all. THE HOMELESS MAN DIPPED HIS SQUEEGEE INTO A PUDDLE ON THE STREET TO CLEAN MY WINDSHIELD, AND THEN GOT MAD WHEN I WOULDN'T PAY HIM.

My car was dirtier than when he started.
I should have taken money from him for the car wash I now need.

Also in this circle: gypsies. They aren't nearly as entertaining as TLC makes them seem to be.

Eternal Punishment: I feel bad even pretending to condemn homeless people to Heck. I'M TRYING TO BE A NICER PERSON, DANGIT. But I feel no such way about gypsies. Gypsies get sand, like you've been at the beach all day and washed off using that fun outdoor shower but you just keep finding sand everywhere. This has nothing really to do with their sins, but it's still awful.

Sowers of Discord >> People Who Make That Disgusting Throat-Clearing Noise in Public

"THIS IS WHERE THE NOISE COMES FROM. SEE? DO YOU SEE IT?"

Could ya not?
I understand that cloggy throat feeling. We've all been there.
TAKE SOME CLARITIN.
Did you not have a mother to teach you manners? Were you raised by wolves?
That is actually an insult to wolves because even they don't make that noise.
Subjecting people to that noise is honestly probably a violation of the Eighth Amendment.
Play that noise on loop for a few hours and I would give up some national secrets.
That noise makes my spine tingle in the worst way.
I'm fairly certain a good waterboarding session would clear the ole sinuses right up.
I volunteer to help.

Eternal Punishment: That feeling of about-to-sneeze, forever.

Falsifiers >> People Who Lie About Pointless Stuff

Lying appears to be absolutely exhausting.

I know a girl who swears up and down that she barely studied for the bar and drank margaritas every night of bar prep.
Except when we've talked in person about it, she tells me that she studied a ton and was panic-stricken.
Another she-who-must-not-be-named spoke about how she had stopped drinking for a little while.
Yet an hour later, when a different person arrived into the conversation and told us how hungover he was, she said "samesies" and regaled us with how much wine she'd had.

What are we even doing here.
At least be consistent with your crazy.

Eternal Punishment: You have to do a puzzle every day, but the final piece never fits. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY BELONG, BUT IT'S LYING TO YOU.

9th Circle: Treachery >> Old People on Facebook

Oh, you feel like you're drowning in all the new technology? Good. 

My reasoning for having this under "treachery": 

1. It didn't fit anywhere else, and

2. Your mind/body betray you in your twilight years and make you a bumbling fool?

Idk. Just go with it. 

Old people on Facebook will be the death of me someday. 

But also the death of them because they will probably commit a social media faux paus so egregious that I will be driven to murder-suicide.

Example 1:

You aren't supposed to get it, Karen. Get off Facebook and go ruin another economy.
Example 2:

YOU CAN'T ASK THAT, LINDA.
I blocked the picture in order to protect some sweet souls, but it's a photo of an adorable couple who have been dating a normal amount of time.
They handled the question MUCH more diplomatically than I would have.
My response would have involved cursing, unfriending, and a blood oath to not invite that awful person to the potential wedding. Also maybe breaking up just to spite Linda.
I run a scorched earth campaign, at all times.

Just...stop, old people. Stop doing all the things. Quit trying to keep up.
Decompose gracefully, like our forefathers.

Eternal Punishment: Getting old is punishment enough. Old people are the worst.


So, in summation: baby boomers and co-workers can all go to Heck.

[This blog post is dedicated to my sweet Beatrice with the Sylvester Pussy Cat tattoo who gently guided me away from the drunk careening man.]

Update (because you all were dying to know): In regards to my WSJ Wine, I went with the mixed case of red and white wine, which I'm really enjoying because I'm able to pound a glass of Chard when I get home from the gym for rehydration purposes. It also gives me something to sip in the car on the way to pick up the kids from school. Because white wine is water and I am a soccer mom.
(Just kidding, please don't disbar me. I mostly totally have respect for the laws, even the stupid ones like taxation and eminent domain.)