Monday, July 1, 2013

Most Ridiculous Pinterest (Fashion) Finds

I had a dream that I found a stranger-roommate who persuaded me to
live in a one bedroom apartment, 
except both of our beds wouldn't fit in the room
so we shared a bed for a year. 

Then my building's fire alarm went off (in real life. ugh.)
so when I fell back asleep
I had a Metamorphosis dream. 

Also, I waged battle with two bugs
(the species of which rhymes with "dock-coach"). 
I came out victorious, but it was a struggle. 
Citizens of DFW, rest easy. 

Last night was just not my night.

But today I got my LSAT score & received my new running shoes!

And I'm going for drinks with a dear friend who will be staying in Dallas for a while! 
So today is much, much better. 

I'm an expert Pinterest-er. 
I'm an unemployed ex-teacher--it's what we do. 
Pinterest is full of good things (& some great things), 
but there's also a lot of really really terrible things. 

I'm not posting links to anything in an effort to save you from yourself. 
If you're looking to purchase any of these items, 
I'll just step in & stop you now. 

I'm willing to allow that this might be to someone else's taste, even if it's not to mine. 
But the caption read "honeymoon". 
I guarantee you, if you wear this on your honeymoon, your husband will think
he accidentally married some bat-shit crazy, Stevie Nicks wannabe who couldn't find her underwear & clothed herself in drapery,
(& let's be real: Scarlet did it better) 
but managed to throw on several items of jewelry. 
Less sexy, more slutty Professor Trelawney. 

There is no doubt in my mind that some young, up-and-coming fashion designer
MacGyver-ed this out of a hook-up's dress shirt just before a little walk of shame. 
Good for her for trying, 
but I'm not falling for it. 

What Muppet had to die to make these possible?
Obama's all focused on carbon emissions, but I'm going to 
need to get someone on the phone to PETA & Jim Henson. 

This is a hat called "Sex on the Brain" created in 1989. 
It makes me want to die. 

First rule of hats:
(What Would Kate Middleton Do?)
If that classy lady would balk, 
then you better put it back or burn it. 
In this case, burn it and hope the demon inside was exorcised. 

Good Lord. 
The best thing I can say about these is that they're probably comfortable.
I understand that there are jobs in which comfortable shoes that are easy to clean
are the best option. 
My father's a doctor--I allow him to wear Crocs only in the hospital. 
Comfortable shoes do not need to be so obnoxious about it, though. 
These shoes are for the nurse/gardener who really wants you to 
know how much they rock-n-roll 
when not cleaning up blood/getting rid of those pesky weeds. 
Oh, and I bet she's super sassy, too. 

Those last two make the first "dress" seem not so bad. 
^And that's the proper way to rationalize. 

That's all I have the energy for. 
Just looking at those pictures sapped my strength.
I'm going to go play in my closet now.  

(What up, Mom? Get off my back about using my real name now.)

(Background: My first name is actually "Mary Angela". When we moved to Washington State, 
the Yanks didn't seem to understand a good ole Southern double name. 
To ease the strain on their feeble, liberal minds, I just went by Mary
and that kind of stuck, much to my mother's chagrin.)

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