Monday, September 30, 2013

15 Things

My mother threw a dinner party the other night. 
At said party, one (working) woman asked my (stay at home) mother what she does all day.
Mom, being the nice lady she is, fumbled through a response
without letting this lady know how rude that question is. 
Here's a list of ways she could have (and should have) responded:

- slapped her so hard her brain rattled & she would never be able to work again
- thrown a glass of wine all over her (because we've all wanted to do that)
- launched into a tirade against "feminism" and the downfall of family
- gestured imperiously a la the Dowager: 
Moral of the story: people are unfailingly rude.

Because I work Saturdays, my Mondays are sacred. 
This one was particularly beautiful:
New (completely necessary) shoes from DSW.
Grocery shopping at Trader Joe's with my Dem bag from Rome. Sigh.
The loafers made their first appearance of this fall!

I can't seem to find anything to blog about lately. 
This is what I end up typing:
Brain being obviously blank, here's 15 facts about yours truly:

1.  What's a nickname only your family calls you?
My full name. I've got plenty of nicknames, 
but my family calls me by my full name. 
I'm not constantly in trouble, I promise. 

2. What's a weird habit of yours?
I'm terribly OCD, 
so a lot of weird habits go along with that. 
For example:
Any sort of dial has to be on an even number or a multiple of 5. 
If there are 5 objects and I touch 2 of them, I have to touch the rest
because otherwise it's unfair. 
Today, I straightened all of the shoes at DSW. 
And I don't even work there. 

3. Do you have any weird phobias?
I have too many weird phobias. 
The dark, cracked doors, bees, needles, dementia, judgment, airborne toxins... 
At the top of the list is zombies. 
I understand that the zombie apocalypse is a metaphor for the breakdown of society. 
And I'm scared of that, too. 
But mostly I'm terrified of actual zombies. 

4. What's a songs you secretly love to blast and belt out when you're alone?
I've got tons of embarrassing music. 
I am the musical queen. 
Wicked, Les Mis, Rent...anything for a mezzosoprano. 
Also, I love me some Indigo Girls
and that's fairly embarrassing because I'm not a lesbian. 

5. What's one of your biggest pet peeves?
Grammatical mistakes. 
Stupidity, in general. 

6. What's one of your nervous habits?
Picking at my fingernails. 
It's gross, whatever. 

7. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I sleep diagonally. 
Getting married is going to be such a hardship. 
We may just have to I-Love-Lucy it up and get separate beds. 

8. What was your first stuffed animal and what was its name?
Lamb Chop, obvi. 

9. What's the drink you always order at Starbucks?
Skinny hazelnut latte. 

10. Which way do you face in the shower?
Every way?
Someone needs to invent a human-sized lazy Susan for the shower
so I can stop spinning in place by way of my own strength. 

11. Do you have any weird body skills?
I can pop out my shoulders and hips. 
And I can make this disgusting face we call "Augustus". 
I will not be blogging that face. Ever. 

12. What's your favorite comfort food that is bad but you eat it anyway?
Not technically comfort foods, but junk food = comfort. 

13. What's a phrase or exclamation you always say?
I have no idea. 
I just spent 5 minutes thinking about it, 
but I am unaware of what comes out of my mouth on a regular basis. 
Probably because I don't have much of a filter. 

14. What do you wear when you go to sleep?
Sometimes boxers & a t-shirt. 
Sometimes yoga pants & a tank top. 
Sometimes leggings & a giant rugby shirt. 
I do a lot of laundry, sue me. 

15. What did you used to wear that you thought was cool, but now you realize isn't?
Oh, good Lord. 
Can I just say everything and be done with it?
Clogs, for one. 
But we lived in Washington State, so it was totally a thing. 
Overalls, ankle length skirts, scrunchies, tapered jeans. 
Life was one big embarrassment. 

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