Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Post-Grad Lyfe: A to Zed, Pt. I

It was about time for another post-grad rant. 
Here's my life after death graduation, A to Z style
(except this is only Part I, so it's actually A to M):

Atrophy of mind & body
     I complained about all of the reading at UD. 
     Now I feel like an absolute moron. I can feel my brain wasting away. 
     I used to read the news + textbooks/novels + leisure reading, every day. 
     Now all I have the energy/attention span for is the headlines on Drudge & the drivel on Daily 
     It also takes immense willpower to work out daily. 
     I work until 8 PM--I have to choose between eating dinner & relaxing, or going for a walk/run. 
     Guess which I tend to choose?

     Answering to someone is the worst. 
     I answered to professors and my parents, but this is a whole different ballgame. 
     My professors couldn't really fire me. 
     My parents have to love & support me. 
     Working under someone who openly admitted to scoring lower than I did on the LSAT is bitter.
     I keep waiting for him to realize the implication of that. 
     I won't hold my breath.

     Inane conversation with people with whom I have nothing in common. 
     I actually despise nearly every choice they've ever made in their lives. 
     1 woman talks about circus school, her tassel pasties that she wears to the club, & her abusive 
     4 coworkers (that I know of) have declared bankruptcy either before or while working at our 
     bankruptcy law firm. And they're in charge of other people's money...
     One of the attorneys sees clients with a huge wad of dip in his mouth. 
     How does it even work?
     Again, my hours are ridiculous--there's no way to meet new people. 
     And from what I've seen of the real world, I don't want to meet new people; I want my old 
     Why did I not take advantage of the fertile hunting ground that was college??
     I went to happy hour with my old neighbor & then it was just super awkward seeing each other
     while taking out the garbage.
     And don't even get me started on Tinder. 

     My job isn't difficult. 
     In fact, it's insultingly easy. 
     I don't come home mentally exhausted because I've been thinking too hard.
     But it is a strain on my brain dealing with said boss & coworkers & the clients that I have 
     to call all day, every day.
     Dense clients are a pain; clients that yell at me are a special gift that I receive fairly frequently. 
     Today, a woman yelled at me while also crying.
     A rare treat.
     Basically, life is exhausting for pathetic reasons.     

Fluorescent lighting
     No wonder everyone at work makes fun of me for being so white. 
     They all have some sort of heritage that gives their skin natural color; 
     put a white person under fluorescent lighting and we look like Pale Kids.

     When we lived in Washington State, my family was extremely skeptical of this "sickness"
     called SAD--seasonal affective disorder--that everyone talked about.
     It's basically the winter blues, but it was worse in Washington where there's no sunlight. 
     There were tons of news stories about offices replacing their fluorescent lighting with better 
     and people actually used "light therapy boxes" that imitated outdoor light.

     I understand now. 

     Remember when everyone you could possibly want to speak to was within a mile radius?
     UD was a wonderful place. 
     Now, getting together takes coordination. 
     I can no longer walk out my back door and find a friend willing to go on an adventure, 
     or at least drink a whole lot. 

     Unless you want to be a teacher and take miserable pay, holidays will never be the same.

     Attempting to impress someone with my wholly unimpressive resume?
     Yeah, right.
Job applications
     Things I wish I could put under "Skills":
     -harmonize on cue
     -Bath & Body Works signature hand massage «--it's a real thing
     -Level 4A in ballet when I was 12
     -almost-licensed concealed gun carrier
     -Tetris near-expert

Kissing ass
     Sadly, this has been my biggest lesson learned. 
     I die a little inside each time I have to laugh at a cliched joke the boss made. 
     Kissing ass is a necessary humiliation. 

Lowered expectations
     In every way possible.
     Job, salary, potential suitors...the list goes on. 
     I will never have enough, it seems. 
     Budgeting is the worst, and I'm terrible at it.
     I just want disposable income, damn it. 

See you next time!


  1. hahaha nice list. I feel ya Mary. Especially "Geography." Definitely sucks not living in walking distance of most of your friends and aquaintances! My "W" = weekend. It's funny how it's WAY more important now in the real world. "D" = dance parties. They really don't happen anymore, and it is the worst!!!


      if not, I feel a little foolish.
      thanks for commenting, either way!

      real life is tough.
      no one really prepares you for the post-grad lifestyle changes.

      have a wonderful evening and may there be many dance parties in your future!