Sunday, October 6, 2013

Post-Grad Lyfe, A to Zed, Pt. II

The continuation...

     Is there anything worse?
     Making "connections" with people you don't care about or want to ever see again
     in the hopes that they might get you a better job than the one you have.
     The only good thing is the (sometimes) open bar. 

     My life ends when I turn 25. 
     At that point, I will be kicked off my parents' insurance
     and left to fend for myself in the seething vat of waste that is Obamacare. 
     My only chance is getting super fat & developing weight-related diabetes, 
     because that will probably be completely paid for by the good ole taxpayer. 

Pyramid schemes
     I have a terrible job and I make almost nothing doing it. 
     In every post-grad's life, there comes a time when you search for something to do 
     "on the side" to make a little extra money. 
     Enter the pyramid scheme. 
     I was almost the victim of one a couple weeks ago.
     I'm looking at you, J Hilburn.  
Quarter life crisis
     I'm having the quarter-life-minus-two crisis. 
     At this point, I see myself firmly entrenched in this funk for the next two years. 

     All we have to look forward to, 
     but we'll be too old, tired, feeble, & broke (the way this economy is going) 
     to actually enjoy it. 

Sick days
     In college, if I woke up and didn't feel like going to class, I didn't. 
     There wasn't any forethought. 
     But no more of that. 
     Sick days have to be carefully planned; 
     in fact, if Murphy's Law is to be believed, 
     as soon as you use those sick days on spontaneous travels and lazy days, 
     you'll come down with the worst flu to ever hit humankind.
     God bless you.

     I've gotten better. I promise. 
     And really I wasn't nearly as bad as I could have been. 
     But those first couple of months of my first real life job, 
     Pei Wei saw a lot of me. 
     The fact that I was teaching didn't really help anything
     because those little hellions sucked all of my energy like it was their duty to der Vaterland. 
     Quick & easy was preferable, and I'm not talking about my meals. HEY-O!
     Just kidding, I'm totally talking about food.

     I'm quite adept at unemployment. See every blog post prior to August
     My new area of expertise is underemployment. 
     Outside of the attorneys, I'm the only person in the office with a college degree. 
     One girl tried to tell me that she has a degree in sign language, 
     and that's when I pretended to go deaf.

My other choice for this letter is Unsolicited career advice. 
Prepare yourself for smug jerks telling you how to live your life
when all you wanted was to know if they were going to use the outlet at Starbucks.

Validation, or lack thereof
     I have never felt so poorly about myself than when begging for a retail job...
     ...that I didn't get. 

     Dry cleaning, groceries, laundry, miscellaneous errands. 
     Weekends are now planned out, because when else do I have time to get my oil changed?
     Spontaneous drinking in Old Mill, you are sorely missed. 

     That quarter life crisis might beget the need for little happy pills. 
     This blog would get seriously boring if that should ever come to fruition. 

     Good Lord, what do you not yearn for post-grad?
     Stability, a job, a career, more time, less stress, friends, happiness...

     I've accepted it: I'm a zero. 

Life, man. 

Sorry for the awkward spacing. 
I don't really understand technology or CSS or HTML or what-have-you. 

To make us all feel better:

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