Back in the USSR

Confession: I haven't really watched the Olympics. 

I don't have cable & I can't find anywhere to view online. 

I've been watching the live results on the official website, 

but that's kind of the worst. 

Curling isn't known for being action-packed. 

I found a way to make it even more boring than it already is:

watch the "live" graphic representation of it on the website. 

All of the confusion is still present + you don't even get to watch them use the brooms.

I've watched whatever sport is on when I'm at the gym

which is the biggest motivator in the entire world. 

Just as I think I can't run anymore, I see the ladies' cross-country.

Clearly, if I don't collapse after my workout, I am a weak, disgusting human being.

So, since I haven't been able to watch the actual sports, 

I glean a lot of context clues from the icons:

Curling: reaching for your purse               Luge: napping

Short track: extreme piggybacking          Ski jumping: struggling uphill against the wind

Nordic combined: leap frog on skis        Figure skating: flamboyant running

Freestyle skiing: falling                             Cross-country: jazzercise

Bobsleigh: peas in a pod                          Skeleton: poor decision-making

I think my version of Olympic sports is better. 

Biathlon is the only one I wouldn't change

because it's weird enough as it is.

It's like training for real-life Red Dawn.  

I mostly like to look at the athletes, to be honest. 

Gus Kenworthy is obvi this year's favorite

because he's a cutie & he loves puppies almost as much as I do. 

Sorry for not being more patriotic & watching every single event like I'm actually competing, 

but I blame NBC for not making it free. 

I bet every Russian man, woman, & child is required to watch under penalty of Gulag. 

Freedom, out.