Sunday, August 24, 2014

Houston, We Have a Problem

When I started writing this one, I wasn't sure which of my grievances to address: the humidity? the driving? the urban sprawl? the danger? I knew I couldn't draw it out into multiple posts because that would just get tedious and no one likes a downer (unless she's super hilarious, right guys??). However, I do reserve the right to complain about this swamphole (I think I made that term up, but it's fitting) in the future. As the summer is ending and a new (school) year is coming, I will do this in true Festivus fashion: begin with the Airing of Grievances. 

I've spent a good deal of my life in Texas. I am no greenhorn when it comes to the suffocating hell that is humidity. My friends, I was mistaken. Houston is a beast that holds you underwater and expects you to function like a normal human. 
The only seating available at Starbucks today was outside. And as I valiantly attempted my Torts reading, I simply could. not. do it. Because I was damp all over and my glasses kept slipping off of my face. In fact, I can't get out of my car while wearing my glasses because they fog over for about 5 minutes. HOUSTON IS IMPAIRING MY VISION. Also my hair doesn't know how to handle this, so that's just the worst. I have spent 18 out of the 18 days I've been in Houston with my hair in a bun. This cannot continue. 

Actually, the drivers. The awfulness is beyond comprehension. I was honked at repeatedly for acknowledging the speed limit in a school zone. Lane lines are viewed as suggestion. Green arrows on left turns are simply ignored. Stops signs? Nope. 
These people are draining my near-bottomless well of patience. 
I'm linking this one with the urban sprawl. I have yet to figure out what Houston-proper means. There is more suburb than actual city. Maybe I was spoiled, living right in the thick of things in Dallas, but this feels ridiculous.

Complete honesty: I was worried that I was being racist by fearing this city. And then I lived here for a little while. Orientation was full of tidbits like "Don't go to Reliant Stadium alone" and "Have security walk you to your car". Why do we do this to ourselves? One of my biggest fears is The Purge in real life, and I just moved into an already-crime-ridden city. Halp.
«Bonus: Law School»
This one's not unique to Houston. But because I moved here for law school, it's all the same to me. It starts tomorrow, guys. Tomorrow. Am I ready?
I haven't finished the reading, I don't know what I'm wearing, and I'm a little hungover. But here's the secret to my (hopeful) success: aim to be only better than the dumbest person. Set that bar really low and I can't help but triumph! No shame in my game. Wish me luck & below-average-intelligence classmates...



  2. Pleaseeeeeee,

    Humidity -- go inside
    Traffic -- leave early/drive aggressively
    Danger -- carry a pepper spray/ get your chl
    Law School -- lose the casebook and enjoy

    Welcome to town!