8 Signs I'm the Most "Traditional" Person in My Office

I was going to entitle this something different, 
but both my editor (aka Tess who brainstorms with me) and my mother 
voiced some uncertainty. 
And because I was raised with those inconvenient traditional values, 
I still sometimes respect my mother, 
even when she's wrong. 
JKJK, Mamacita.

My standards of class in the workplace may not be yours.
Get over it.

1. I've never filed for bankruptcy with our bankruptcy firm

I harp on this a lot. 

But I find it ridiculous and kind of unbelievable 

that people came to file for bankruptcy

and left with a job AND having filed for bankruptcy.

WHAT.

2. I don't talk about sex

This blog administration is committed to complete transparency.
(Let's see if I can do better than Obama. The bar is loooooooow.)

As such, here's some embarrassment:

Remember that time I invented the fake boyfriend

to get that guy at work off my back?

Well, that lie has come back to bite me. 

Fairly often, someone asks about my sham beau 

and implies that they hope I'm doing "everything I can" to make him happy.

And when I say "implies", I mean

they directly ask me if I need to go to Victoria's Secret for my man.

EW.

I regret everything. Lesson learned, God. 

And everyone talks about hooking up and whatnot.
Sorry that I have an active imagination
and your comments leave me visualizing your 38-year old naked body.
If you ever see me grimace for no reason, 
that is why.

 

3. My workwear doesn't show any tattoos
I don't have any tattoos. 
But if I were to get one, 
it would be in a discreet location 
that would make no one the wiser. 
Wrist, calf/shin, back of the neck, bicep, forearm...
there is an endless list of all the stupid places these people have tattooed. 

4. I'm one of the few who doesn't have a baby daddy + out-of-wedlock child(ren)

Yes, I applaud them for having the baby.

And, personally, I am against birth control

so I don't use it and behave like a rational human being

(what up, Aristotle).
Obviously, I wish that everyone would agree with me on this, 
but, despite my belief in the Loch Ness Monster & a second season of Firefly, 
I'm a realist.
What's that old saying?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, maybe I should get my tubes tied.
I know it's difficult, but mabes practice some self-control
or visit a clinic or something.
Figure it out.

Also, I know people who have gotten themselves into this sort of situation.
I don't fault them anything.
But they exhibited the proper "my bad" emotion
& changed their behavior
& most even married the guy.
These lovely ladies at work didn't learn their lesson
& still find themselves experiencing that "late" panic every few months.
And they talk about it with me.
Ugh. 

5. I have never said anything about "using it" in reference to going to the ladiez room
No explanation needed. 
I don't talk about this. 
Ever. 

6. I don't have 3-inch fake nails covered in glitter

Yikes. 

7. I don't walk around the office with an e-cigarette

Everyone in my office smokes. 
Having gone to a university in which people feel fancy
smoking while discussing Descartes, 
it didn't reeeeally bother me.
The e-cigs do. 
They're stupid as hell. 
Also, most of my co-workers use the e-cig to smoke in the office
and still go outside for real smoke breaks.
THAT'S DEFEATING THE PURPOSE.

8. I don't make everyone uncomfortable by talking about my personal affairs
I am extremely sympathetic to your plight, 
but talking about the miscarriage you are suffering RIGHT NOW
in a crowded office is absolutely not okay.
Especially when you have no significant other
and haven't for a few months now.
It makes me all judgmental.

The royal side-eye x 3. Did the person they were judging just crumple into dust?

Also, any mention of your abusive ex-husband is uncomfortable.
Even talking about your current "soul search" is weird for me.
You're 40+ years old. 
If you haven't found yourself by now, you never will.
And if you tell me one more time that you cried the whole way home
because of an "argument" we had, 
I will make you cry right here in the office.
Also, please don't confide in me that you think you're pregnant. 
You're not. 
That's called "the change" and I won't have any talk of it. 

Is it too much to ask for an office environment
where I know the bare minimum about my co-workers
(name, general age, job title maybe) 
and nothing else?

No Woman No Cry

I cry at stupid things. 

That might come as a surprise. 

I don't think I'm the sort of person who comes off 

like an emotional basket case. 

I'm more the sort who laughs at people's misfortunes

(in a very concerned, caring way obvi). 

Can we all acknowledge that I chose the edited version of this because little Mom reads my blog?

I am such a giver.

People share those Upworthy & Godvine videos on Facebook

with something like "OMG Get the tissues! I BAWLED!"

and it's like a challenge to me. 

I have to prove that I'm not a frail, over-sensitive little rosebud. 

I-am-woman-hear-me-roar, Miss Independent, and all that. 

It's really too bad that I prove myself to be 

a frail, over-sensitive little rosebud every single time. 

I can count on one hand the number of times I haven't teared up at those stupid videos. 

And they're (usually) so stupid!

I am morally outraged that such idiocy can make me cry,

and this outrage fuels the need to keep watching these terrible videos

because  at some point I will defeat my tear ducts and emotionalism. 

The cycle continues.  

This one's mostly nice, 

but still embarrassing to cry about. 

Maybe I was caught on a bad day or something. 

UGH.

This isn't even romantic or sweet or anywhere close to a nice proposal.

It is everyone's nightmare to be on stage and not know what's going on. 

They did that to her on purpose. 

Luckily, this didn't happen to me

because I am vindictive & immature

and I would probably have given him a "maybe"

just to see him nervous & sweaty on live tv.

I am completely mortified that I teared up a bit.  

 

I'm increeeedibly fond of the dog-soldier reunion videos. 

Naturally, I found a whole website devoted to them. 

There's also family-soldier reunion videos,

but the dog ones really do it for me.

I will not apologize for crying at these

because I have a heart and I'm not a psycho.  

I also watched one of Russians doing nice things

like helping old ladies across the street and getting dogs out of rivers

and I teared up. 

NICE THINGS ARE NICE SHUT UP.

It turns out I'm a girl. 

Let's not go crazy, though. 

I'm still not going to tolerate stupidity. 

My icy heart hasn't melted that much. 

Flipside:

I laugh at videos too:

This is the Youtube equivalent of the "I have no idea what I'm doing" meme. 

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

A mini-break from my usual hilaaaaaaaaarity:

I'm blogging at work today because I'm feeling rebellious. 

Most days, I just read the news in between spurts of work-related activity.
(Juuust kidding, if my boss is reading this!) 
But I don't dare blog because that seems too brazen.
Today, I make an exception. 

Today, Human Events featured this article

about this study performed by the Young America's Foundation.

According to the YAF study:

 At no point in recent history has life been harder for America’s young people. The Youth Misery Index adds together youth unemployment, average graduating student debt (in thousands), and national debt per capita (in thousands).  

Youth unemployment is at 16.3 percent—one of the highest levels since World War II. Average graduating student debt has reached a record-breaking $29,400. National debt per capita is $52,948—the highest ever. Add it up, and the Youth Misery Index comes out to 98.6 (16.3 + 29.4 + 52.9 = 98.6).

Apparently, we're the most miserable youth in "recent history".
Do we get a prize? Is this tax deductible?

(I don't know what "youth" means to them, but I'm including 

people my age because I still feel like a child.)

I guess this is true if you have narrow definitions of "recent" and "misery". 

From reading the article, I would take their meanings to be 

"post-WW2" and "financial hardship".

For them to use any other definition of misery would trivialize any
real suffering of young people in the past 60-ish years. 
Because here's some actually miserable youth from said "recent history": 
 

I'm not trying to make some statement about 
the rightness or wrongness of the Vietnam War.
I'm just saying that there were a lot of "youth" in "recent history" who
were pretty damn miserable in a way, God willing, I'll never know.  

I tend to be the Voice of Doom when it comes to the state of the Union, 

but this is one opinion I can't get behind. 
Sure, we inherited a lot of debt. 
A lot. 
And the unemployment rate sucks. 
A lot.
And the people in power are only making it worse. 
A lot worse.     

But things could be worse.

For a bunch of people who don't have to worry about 

being drafted and sent to die in a foreign country, 

we sure are miserable. 

As my lovely friend over at Human Events put it during our discussion of this article, 
we don't know what misery is.   

I'll be back on Sunday-ish with the scheduled frivolity. 
I just couldn't help myself with this one. 
You know how I love my rants.