Thursday, January 16, 2014

8 Signs I'm the Most "Traditional" Person in My Office

I was going to entitle this something different, 
but both my editor (aka Tess who brainstorms with me) and my mother 
voiced some uncertainty. 
And because I was raised with those inconvenient traditional values, 
I still sometimes respect my mother, 
even when she's wrong. 
JKJK, Mamacita.

My standards of class in the workplace may not be yours.
Get over it.

1. I've never filed for bankruptcy with our bankruptcy firm
I harp on this a lot. 
But I find it ridiculous and kind of unbelievable 
that people came to file for bankruptcy
and left with a job AND having filed for bankruptcy.

2. I don't talk about sex
This blog administration is committed to complete transparency.
(Let's see if I can do better than Obama. The bar is loooooooow.)
As such, here's some embarrassment:
Well, that lie has come back to bite me. 
Fairly often, someone asks about my sham beau 
and implies that they hope I'm doing "everything I can" to make him happy.
And when I say "implies", I mean
they directly ask me if I need to go to Victoria's Secret for my man.
I regret everything. Lesson learned, God. 

And everyone talks about hooking up and whatnot.
Sorry that I have an active imagination
and your comments leave me visualizing your 38-year old naked body.
If you ever see me grimace for no reason, 
that is why.
3. My workwear doesn't show any tattoos
I don't have any tattoos. 
But if I were to get one, 
it would be in a discreet location 
that would make no one the wiser. 
Wrist, calf/shin, back of the neck, bicep, forearm...
there is an endless list of all the stupid places these people have tattooed. 

4. I'm one of the few who doesn't have a baby daddy + out-of-wedlock child(ren)
Yes, I applaud them for having the baby.
And, personally, I am against birth control
so I don't use it and behave like a rational human being
(what up, Aristotle).
Obviously, I wish that everyone would agree with me on this, 

but, despite my belief in the Loch Ness Monster & a second season of Firefly, 
I'm a realist.
What's that old saying?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, maybe I should get my tubes tied.
I know it's difficult, but mabes practice some self-control
or visit a clinic or something.
Figure it out.

Also, I know people who have gotten themselves into this sort of situation.
I don't fault them anything.
But they exhibited the proper "my bad" emotion
& changed their behavior
& most even married the guy.
These lovely ladies at work didn't learn their lesson
& still find themselves experiencing that "late" panic every few months.
And they talk about it with me.

5. I have never said anything about "using it" in reference to going to the ladiez room
No explanation needed. 
I don't talk about this. 

6. I don't have 3-inch fake nails covered in glitter

7. I don't walk around the office with an e-cigarette
Everyone in my office smokes. 
Having gone to a university in which people feel fancy
smoking while discussing Descartes, 
it didn't reeeeally bother me.
The e-cigs do. 
They're stupid as hell. 
Also, most of my co-workers use the e-cig to smoke in the office
and still go outside for real smoke breaks.

8. I don't make everyone uncomfortable by talking about my personal affairs
I am extremely sympathetic to your plight, 
but talking about the miscarriage you are suffering RIGHT NOW
in a crowded office is absolutely not okay.
Especially when you have no significant other
and haven't for a few months now.
It makes me all judgmental.
The royal side-eye x 3. Did the person they were judging just crumple into dust?
Also, any mention of your abusive ex-husband is uncomfortable.
Even talking about your current "soul search" is weird for me.
You're 40+ years old. 
If you haven't found yourself by now, you never will.
And if you tell me one more time that you cried the whole way home
because of an "argument" we had, 
I will make you cry right here in the office.
Also, please don't confide in me that you think you're pregnant. 
You're not. 
That's called "the change" and I won't have any talk of it. 

Is it too much to ask for an office environment
where I know the bare minimum about my co-workers
(name, general age, job title maybe
and nothing else?

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