Thursday, April 24, 2014

It's All About the Wordplay

I've got some quirks. 
Peeves, you could call them. 
I think they're super normal, but others might disagree. 
One such peeve that I think we can all agree on is grammar. 
I am a proud, card-carrying member of the Grammar Nazis
(which sounds pretty bad, so I hope that that's not taken out of context
or something's omitted or whatever). 

Believe it or not, I can't spend too much time on the social medias
because there are people there. 
People who think that the internets are a giant playground
where mistakes can't be held against you. 
Guess what, Internet scum?
I'm here and I've got plenty of time on my hands. 

Set AND stone
What do you think this means?
Your plans are set and then stoned?
"I was thinking about going out tonight, but nothing's set and stoned."
Well, that's a relief. 
Wouldn't want to stone something unnecessarily. 

Could care less
See what she did there?
"I could care less about that jerk."
Think about this for one second. 
Let's logic this one out, together. 
If you could care less, then you care at least some amount. 
On a scale of 0 to 10, you're at least at "what I have for lunch". 
Mabes not fully invested, but you obvi don't want something nasty. 
You care a wee bit. 
You're trying to prove you don't care, 
despite the despair brought on by that guy rejecting you.
If you're going for nonchalant because that jerk just insulted you, 
try looking semi-intelligent at the same time. 

It is what it is
Are you serious. 
Do you know how much is going on when you speak?
There's sound waves, and nasal tract, and lungs, and brain, and tons of other parts. 
You decided that "it is what it is" was worth all of that. 
You would have been better off saying nothing
because that is essentially what you said--nothing. 
No progress was made in the conversation. 
No grand conclusion or insightful statement or solved problem. 
Congratulations, you have successfully stated that the current situation
is still the current situation. 
I'm glad we are all on the same page. 

Doggy-dog world
Despite Snoop Dee-oh-double-G's professional opinion, 
this is not right. 
If that were the saying, it would mean something awesome. 
Because a doggy-dog world would be full of happiness
and tummy rubs and snacks. 
Instead, a world in which a dog is eating another dog
is just the worst, 
which is the actual sentiment of this saying. 
I hereby decree that "doggy-dog world" now means super great. 
If the Workaholics guys can change meanings, so can I. 

This goes right along with the people who say "I can't" and leave it at that. 
You literally can't?
Are you literally dying too?
The only person allowed to use this word is Chris Traeger. 

Stupid people have hijacked language & I'm on a mission to win it back. 
I feel like a Blues Brother or something. 

Thursday, April 17, 2014


Caló, The Godfather
While this is a clear misquote, the sentiment is still true. 
Southern ladies be crazy. 
Women in general are scary & you better not forget that cannoli. 
I just realized that I made a comment about having nothing in common with 
Catholic moms (and moms, in general) that could be taken poorly. 
But it's the troof. 

We don't have much in common. 
Yes, we are Catholic. 
Yes, we are women--although, I use that term loosely for myself
because I still consider myself but a child. 
See, we can find commonalities if we look at things very generally. 
But let's be real:
We are different.

I could see some ladiez taking offense at this
because they think I mean they're not young & fun. 
They can't drop everything & go out, 
or lay in bed & Netflix all day on the weekends, 
or eat awful things on a whim. 
These things are true, I will not say otherwise. 
I'ma lay down some truth:
You (Catholic) mamas don't want to have much in common with me.
Y'all are done.
Some are probably going to want to whack me when I say this, 
but you are finished with the most stressful parts of life. 

I am totally envious.
You've found someone to spend the rest of your life with, 
and that person is the support for all future stress. 
Every fire you walk through, every stormy sea, 
every endless ferris wheel of mortgages & school projects & insurance,
you will have someone with you. 
That's the best!
You don't have to go out anymore!
That's even better!
Since realizing that I don't want to end up decrepit and alone, 
I have never been more stressed. 
Single & looking is the absolute worst. 
You feel obligated to go out & meet people, 
but for someone like me, that is literal hell. 
I might have mentioned that I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE. 
I like my friends. 
Making new ones is worse than bamboo shoots up my fingernails. 
In fact, if you want to torture me, don't go physical. 
Go mental; put me in a room full of strangers.

 You also have realized your vocation--motherhood. 
I know I want a litter. 
The hard part is getting there. 
Another person is a key part of the child-having equation. 
When my vocation isn't something I can do now, 
I kind of feel like I'm just floating through life. 
Everything I do, job-wise, is just biding my time until I'm barefoot & pregnant. 

I understand that most moms are going to scoff
and (gently) cast aspersions. 
And don't get me wrong--
I love the spontaneity of being young & single & childless. 
I know wifeliness & motherhood & such are stressful, 
but it's a much more STABLE stress. 
I meant no disrespect when I said that we don't have things in common. 
Just give me some time & we'll (hopefully) blog about 
diapers and baby food and homeschooling together. 
I would kill for that…in a few years. 

Blessed Triduum!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

The Sunday Currently, Vol. 6


READING: a million different things, including Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn for our Dallas Socialite book club, excerpts from Little Women because I'm a child, & Lenten Meditations with Fulton Sheen

WRITING: letters to KP & Teresa. Unemployed lyfe has not made me a better pen pal.

LISTENING: random Spotify playlists. Ironically, laziness is my most persistent adjective, these days. Compiling my own playlist just sounds haaaaaaard, so I literally just search a noun or emotion and let Spotify do the work. When the computers take over, my life will go on as normal because I've already given them all the power. 

THINKING: I should be less lazy.
 SMELLING: Nothing. Allergy season is upon us, and Texas goes hard. Stuffy-nose-itchy-eyeballs-sneezing-an-annoying-number-of-times-ears-popping hard. And because I'm a masochist, I'm seeing how long I can go without taking any medication. Challenge accepted, pollen demons. 

WISHING: I could keep hanging out in Dallas without a job, but also move home and relax/not pay rent. Oh wait, cars are a thing and the trip's not that long. Wish granted. 
HOPING: There's enough time to reread the HP series this summer. Who am I kidding. There's enough time to reread it multiple times. 
WEARING: My glasses, because aforementioned eyeballs are itchy and tired. 

LOVING: The rainy weather. I just need it to let up for an hour while I go to Mass, and then it can continue in all it's blusteriness. 

WANTING: This gorg print from KP's Etsy shop. I've been feeling especially wanderlusty recently. I'm trying to sort out a travel schedule for this summer, but I'm a cheap mess; adventures are expensivoooo. 
NEEDING: Someone to come make brunch for me, according to my preferences and dietary
restrictions. That's not asking too much, right?

FEELING: Anxiety setting in about law school. I might have been mistaken when I imagined it playing out exactly like Legally Blonde. It sounds hard, guys. I don't think the bend and snap is going to help out much, despite my efforts to perfect it. 
This is actually weirdly close to how it actually happened.
CLICKING: What am I not clicking? I am #funemployed and the internets are my playground.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Mea Culpa

I was just invited to a Catholic blogger group on ye olde FBe. 
I had qualms about accepting the invite, initially, 
because le blog can be a bit scandalous at times. 
And this group is made up almost entirely of moms. 
We have TONS in common.
 A quick Google found some young Catholic blogs, 
but not many. 
And none that spoke to my drollery.
There are some great Catholic tumblrs out there, 
but not really any bloggy blogs, with words and stuff. 
While I'm not offering myself as the filler of that internet hole, 
I could try a little harder to be one of those young, Catholic bloggers.
Stolen, but applies to me, quite perfectly. 
 In an attempt to make my blog Catholic-er, 
and in honor of the penitential Lenten season, 
I will tell you about my non-First Reconciliation: 

Many years ago, I was but a small, second grade pup
preparing for my First Reconciliation. 
This was the sacrament right before the Big One--First Holy Communion. 
That's the one we were all interested in. 
Obvi, I recognize the incredible importance & necessity of Reconciliation now
but I was a wee one then, with little to no patience or humility. 
At that point, I just wanted to get it over with & get to the good stuff.
There being two second grade classes at our little school, 
we had multiple priests hearing our confessions. 
As soon as we lined up, the nerves hit & we all started whispering the Act of Contrition. While the teachers had spent countless hours teaching us 
how to make a good confession, 
second grade brains are made of fluff, which doesn't retain much. 

I walked into that tiny room and developed cotton-mouth and cotton-brain.
No one told me my confession would be face to face. 
No one told me my confession would be with the elderly priest who had had a stroke.

I began my confession, staring at a spot on the wall 
immediately to the left of the priest's head. 
I sped through my part and felt pretty good. 
Then he started speaking. 
Except, because of the stroke, I could not understand a word he said.
I almost cried. 
That might have been the most profound confession I've ever had, 
but I'll never know. 
As soon as he paused for a decent length of time, 
I recited my prayer and got out of there. 

I had no clue what my penance was. 
For good measure, I think I remember saying every prayer I knew, 3 times. 
To this day, I do not feel like I had a First Reconciliation. 

Confession still makes me anxious, 
partly because of the humility and guilt that goes along with it, 
but also because it brings back memories from that first time. 
There ya go. 
You've just been Catholic-ed. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Dobby is a Free Elf

Okay, so…
They announced during a meeting that I would be training for a new (harder) position, 
but never confirmed it with me first. 
In fact, we've spoken about this before
and I said no to changing jobs
(a bold move, I'm aware, but I really don't want this position). 
Apparently, my desires are no longer valid. 
They just decided to move me
and didn't say anything about a pay raise or whatnot.
Also, a coworker accidentally laughed when I told her how much they pay me. 
Also, six people quit or were fired last week.  
Also, I would be leaving soon anyway
because I'm moving home before law school.
Also, I've been trying to quit for months now.
Also, this job is the worst.  
So I'm out.

Being completely unable to make decisions by myself,
this has had me absolutely stressed.
I wrote this post
and then called my mom for the 5th time today (literally)
to ask if we were completely sure. 
She didn't answer (do you think she's getting annoyed?), 
so I'm making a unilateral decision, 
which is making my eye twitch and my stomach cramp. 

But I am relieved. 
How relieved, you ask?
This relieved:

I could go on, but I think you get it.

And I'm in a much better headspace than I was for the last period of unemployment. 
This one ends in law school and a path to money & security. 
Last time, there was no path. 
Only a scary forest of hopelessness and job applications
ending with the cliffs of despair. 

So while I didn't make it to the end of Lent, as was my intention, 
I survived 10 months. 
Is there a support group I can join?

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Death and Taxes

If you're keeping up, I'm not very good at posting regularly. 
Real life gets in the way, man. 
Last week, it was the realest of life: taxes. 
In an effort to complete my FAFSA for school in the fall (WHAT), 
I realized that I needed my tax return. 
Which meant i needed to do my taxes. 
Mother suggested that I just get it done and over with right then. 
I laughed because I thought she was kidding. 
Aren't there people to do that for me?

But I put on my adult hat and psyched myself up--
and whined the entire time.
(And wined the entire time.)
 In all actuality, TurboTax is a Godsend
and made it pretty easy. 
But when you have 4 W-2s for the 2013 tax year, 
everything is stupid. 
If there were a contest for number of jobs held in one year, 
I would win. 
If there were a contest for longevity at one job, 
I would lose miserably. 
I don't want to talk about it. 

What made it even more difficult was the knowledge that
most of my clients at work haven't filed their taxes for the past 5+ years
simply because they don't want their money taken away. 
And those who do file, usually end up getting refunds of $2000+. 
Let's do the math:
~$454/week in unemployment
~$347/month in food stamps
~$2000/year in tax refund
Next year, instead of filing taxes, 
I'm filing bankruptcy. 
Apparently, it's the new get-rich-quick scheme.