Thursday, October 31, 2013

Post-Grad House of Horrors

Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday
(after the entire Christmas season, obvi)
so a Halloween-y blog post was in order.
Everything about Halloween is wonderful.
It is seriously the perfect childhood holiday.
Costumes are great, staying up late on a school night is always fun,
being scared with no real fear is fantastic, and the movies are solid.
And candy. Caaaaandy.

As a kid, I ate up those ghost hunter, "true tales" shows
that came on the Travel Channel all through the month of October. 
I had a whole list of abandoned mental hospitals, prisons, and hotels
that I wanted to visit. 
I didn't necessarily believe in anything supernatural; 
it's just that the possibility was so dang cool. 

The things that scared me then aren't the things that scare me now. 
In fact, Young Mary would be confused & probably a little embarrassed
about her future fears. 

But IF my current fears were turned into a Halloween attraction:

Welcome to Mary's Post-Grad House of Horrors

Oh, the humanity. 
Seriously, just the thought of having to go off of my parents' insurance
makes my heart speed up. 
With what I'm currently making & the numbers I'm hearing about Obamacare, 
I literally couldn't afford healthcare. 
I guess there's always selling organs on the black market...
[Sidenote: Speaking of the ACA, 
I feel like Obama's 5-year plan was just as well thought-out
as mine was...]
I want a bunch. 
Like, a litter. 
It wouldn't even offend me if the femi-nazis called me a "puppy mill"
because pups are awesome & I want a Weasley-esque family. 
Having a kid right now would be like removing all of the lifeboats from the Titanic. 
I'm not doing well as it is--please don't add to my troubles. 
«Law School»
1. The idea of going back to school keeps me up at night
2. What if I hate it? Then I've made this huge commitment 
and I'll (still) be an even huger failure. 
Not technically Halloween-y, but good & scary. So deal with it. 

This one hasn't changed.
Just searching for a good image made me so scared 
that I had to listen to this for a while to feel better:

«Quitting My Job»
I spent a while unemployed. 
In the grand scheme of things, it won't have been all the long, 
but it was longer than I thought it would be. 
So even though my job is the absolute worst 
(and trust me, it is. I don't write about half
the ridiculous/awful things that occur)
I feel like I can't quit. 
My emotional/mental/physical states would improve, 
but the uncertainty of unemployment is too much.
[Being honest, though: of all the things on this list, this one scares me the least.]

Here's my 4 favorite Halloween movies:
And the 3 scariest Doctor Who monsters:

And the 2 best Halloween-themed music videos:

And my 1 favorite Halloween song-from-a-show:

Monday, October 28, 2013

Poor Little Rich Girl

I've left you alone for a little while, 
mainly because the last time I was this exhausted, 
I was getting home from a semester abroad, 
during which I ran on lots of alcohol, nutella, and very little sleep.  
This isn't nearly as fun.

Two jobs is no joke, y'all. 
I continue to work Saturdays at the law firm, 
but I was also on Saturday's schedule at Anthro. 
Not wanting to rock the boat or get my employee discount taken away (aka FIRED), 
I acquiesced. 
I ended up working from 8:30 AM to midnight. 
It's also one of the busiest Anthropologies in the area, 
so by closing, I was less "how-can-I-help-you" and more:
But I'm making that money, honey
and that's what's important, at this point in my life. 
my employee discount is SO wonderful
that I feel obligated to use it. 
Guess what?
Discount does not mean free
Money is still leaving my pocketbook.
I might have to get a third job to support the shopping habit
brought on by my second job. 
Last night, I had a dream that I won the lottery
and gave $50 million to UD
BUT I specifically stated that it had to be used for professors' salaries. 
For some reason, UD had an issue with that, 
so I ended up writing a personal check to every single professor. 
So at least I'm charitable in my dreams?]

Halloween has gotten weird, now that I'm an adult. 
In college, dressing up was fun & awesome & I wanted to do it every weekend.
Last year, I had a classroom of kids
and school events, so it was still acceptable.
Now, I just feel kind of awkward.
Clearly (I hope I've made it clear), 
I'm not one to dress up in a slutty costume. 
And I don't really have a ton of time to devote to a clever/funny costume. 
I think I've decided on either Princess Batman or Eloise. 
We'll see how it goes. 
Here's something I made you:
Happy christening to Prince George! Slay them dragons!

Also, happy birthday to Edith Head. She led the life of my dreams.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Urban Jungle Gym

My old apartment complex in Fort Worth had a gym, 
so now I'm confronting the problem of where/how to work out. 
Living in the city presents you with many different exercise options, 
but having a desk job is kind of a death sentence. 
Here are some of the options I've considered:

Tried, failed. 
It mostly made me sad that I could never hit that daily goal--
not for lack of trying, though. 
I took unnecessary trips to the restroom, went the long way to my office, 
asked a question in person rather than by phone...
but my boss might get a little suspicious when I'm spending
my time fervently staring at the ticking numbers on my phone
while marching in circles. 

I started work at Anthro this weekend, 
and I had the very fleeting thought that I could get my goal completed (and then some)
if I walked to NorthPark. 
And then I mapped it
and realized that no one wants to buy anything from someone looking like this:
Reporting for hipster chic duty.

Also, the pedometer app draaaained the life out of my phone. 

»UGH Crossfit:
I apologize to those of you who do Crossfit; 
I hate everything about it. 
Mostly, I hate it for women. 
I'm a much bigger (no pun intended) fan
of the soft, Marilyn-esque body. 
A girl at work recently told me 
(and continues to express it at least once a week)
that she's jealous of my "booty". 
I really can't decide if such bootylicious-ness is a good thing, 
but on most days I prefer it to the kind of body that intense Crossfit produces. 
Which brings me to my next point--the CF intensity.
I'm blanket statement-ing here, but CF people are so damn intense about it. 
It's great that you've got something you love, 
but it would be ridiculous if everyone talked constantly about some random hobby.
Facebook would get so annoying--oh, wait...

Also, this can happen

»Katy Trail
Since moving back into Dallas, 
I'm only a little ways from the Katy Trail. 
It's awesome for getting outdoors and forcing the realization 
that you'll never afford the houses in Turtle Creek.
And I enjoy running, as much as anyone with 
a bad knee & penchant for sitting around binge-watching TV can. 

My issue is my schedule. 
It's totally possible for me to get up earlier in the morning to run on Katy Trail, 
I just don't want to. 
I'm much more of an evening person.
Except I don't get home from work until 8:30, 
so I don't get to Katy Trail until about 9. 
At 9 PM, Katy Trail is nearly empty,
and it's prime rape-and-kill hours. 
Granted, the fear makes me run faster. 

»Pure Barre
I'm not even going to waste blog time/space on this.
If I had an extra million dollars lying around, 
I wouldn't spend it on overpriced ballet-pilates. 
This sort of thing is for the birds & rich SMU girls. 

I'll probably end up getting a plain, old gym membership.
At least there's a hot tub?
(There better be a hot tub.)

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


This post accidentally became 'Merica-themed, 
but I figure there's no such thing as coincidence, 
so clearly it was divine intervention.

My family makes no secret of our love for America:
My brother at his college graduation party, burning an effigy of Osama. We don't mess around.

We have many stories--mostly involving my brother--of civil disobedience, 
but we won't get into that because then it's in writing 
and let's not incriminate ourselves.

Reading the news always makes me sad.
Lately, it's been extra sad.
Our beloved country isn't doing too well.
So this post is in celebration of those people fighting back.

Vets are the best, but I'm completely biased.
And this vet is super hot, even without legs.
This is probably my favorite government-shutdown story.

Some wise words from my girl, S. Palin:
“We can only be America, home of the free, if we are America, home of the brave.”



I bet he didn't vote for Obama.

»Shout out to Tess Mull, the managing editor of
A seriously awesome conservative news & analysis website.
They teach me things.

If you aren't reading Taki Mag by now, consider yourself behind the times.
It's owned by a super-wealthy, little Greek man named Taki Theodoracopulos
(who offered to take Tess out on his yacht while at a party a few years ago!). 
If that's not enough for you, 
the articles are seriously hilarious & so well-written.
I just want to drink & discuss politics with these people, 
but I would probably be too intimidated to do anything
but sit and take notes.

»A dismantle-the-government-stylishly collage:
{The original T-Paine, spitting that sick truth.}

Martha Washington, the genteel woman that she was, 
was probably horrified at the state of the troop's socks at Valley Forge.
(Is it still too soon to make jokes about Valley Forge?)

(top L-R, then bottom L-R: because rebels don't follow rules)
A sequined military jacket. Because we may not have official uniforms, 
but our troops are fabulous.

If ever I were to take over the world, 
you can expect me to be wearing these. 

Hot pink skull loafers. 
Rephrase for emphasis: Loafers + pink + embroidered skulls.
Creating a state of anarchy demands comfy shoes, 
but comfy shoes do not have to be ugly. 
Let's not get crazy.

 While strategizing or enjoying a nice read-aloud of the Federalist Papers, 
have a nice cup of  Bohea tea. 

A gift for reading all the way through:

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Sunday Currently, Vol. 5


READING: a young adult novel, because I'm a child. But I hear I may be part of a book club soon? like I have time for such shenanigans. 

WRITING: a grocery list. Days off have to be planned out even more carefully, now that I work weekends. #itwillbeworthitintheend...maybe #moneymoneymoneymoney

LISTENING: traffic outside my window. air vent in my room. this beautiful song:

THINKING: I am surrounded by idiocy. 

I've had this thought several times, over the years. 

Also, this man makes me furious:
You can't just say things & pretend they're true. 
At the very least, don't spread lies about one of my favorite things, especially when your lies are used to further your stupid, liberal, neo-slavery agenda. 
One comment: "I'm going to tell this to my history students tomorrow!"

Never breed, you ignorant slut. 
SMELLING: not a lot. My nose is stuffy & my head hurts. Sick, y'all. 

WISHING: To be well. My laundry would do itself. The weather would get cold. 

HOPING: This new job works out. 
WEARING: Norts & my Pitkin shirt. Sleepypajamasickday. 

LOVING: My Anthropologie employee discount. They might as well not even give me a paycheck; I should just get store credit because it's all going back there, anyway. 

WANTING: Cold weather. To be showered without having to actually shower. Endless coffee that I didn't have to make myself. 
My dream.

NEEDING: Cough syrup. A tissue. Validation as a successful human person. 

FEELING: Lethargic. Tired of humanity. The usual. 
CLICKING: my Amazon kindle account. It's been getting a bit of a workout lately, because I just keep finding books that I want to read. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Ranty McRanterson

First order of business:
4000 pageviews!
On to the blog...

This may come as news to some of you, 
but my family likes to rant. 
So here goes:

I've learned a lot about bankruptcy in the past 3 months. 
More than I could've ever imagined. 
More than I could ever want to know.
In my first couple of weeks at this law firm, 
I was seriously concerned about my lack of empathy. 
Not one bit of me felt at all sorry for the bankrupt folk coming into the office.
The paralegals & attorneys spoke at great lengths 
about helping these people who, 
through bad luck and unfortunate circumstances, 
found themselves in such destitution. 
And I felt genuinely awful that I didn't feel awful. 

But then I started paying attention. 

Sure, my co-workers spoke big game about their bleeding hearts, 
but that's all they do. 
I overhear many conversations in which the attorneys
discuss exactly how much in attorney's fees they can squeeze out of these people.
Upon realizing that I might be doing the Devil's work, 
I went through a brief period of sympathy-like feelings
towards the debtors. 
This lasted maybe 3 days
because the veil was lifted and my eyes were wide open.
People come into the office on iPhones.
(I didn't get an iPhone until last year when I was absolutely certain 
that I could afford it, and even then
it was a refurbished, older model.)

Going through client documents, 
I see people buying cars they have no business driving, 
and houses they don't need. 
We have clients who open multiple businesses--
in place of illegal relatives--
only to have each one go under.
I get clients who declare bankruptcy every few months just to stop a foreclosure, 
and, once they know they're safe in the house, 
they stop making their bankruptcy payments. 

I don't know if I've mentioned this, 
but I have several clients who haven't filed taxes in recent years.
When I asked the reason, they said that their money was going
to be taken away (there's a word for that...taxes), 
and they didn't want to do it. So they didn't. 
These people know how to game the system, 
but the system makes it so damn easy. 
Bankruptcy was intended to be a final, slightly shameful measure 
in alleviating debt, only taken when something tragic occurred-- 
losing the house in a fire, or a manual laborer's loss of a limb (& thereby, loss of livelihood). 
Not so, now. 

Whatever happened to debtor's prison? 
Now, more than ever, should people be jailed for their financial stupidity.
It is totally possible to lead a pretty decent life on little money, 
but these people "need" their Jordans and Cadillacs and fake nails. 
And they want all of those things without ever holding down a job.
(I would say that about 90% of our clientele have food stamps or unemployment.)

There was a recent episode of Parks & Rec 
in which the hoity-toity neighboring town of Eagleton is in financial crisis, 
but can't fathom giving up the bottled water in public pools and HBO for all. 
Art imitating life, y'all. 

At what point do we declare all of these morons insane
and lock them away, where they can do society & their pocketbooks no more harm?

Sorry if you have no interest in this, whatsoever. 
I don't really care. 
It's my blog. 

But to keep you coming back, 
here's something I found:
Note: Dallas is mentioned.

On the subject of finances & jobs or whatever, 
I have news:
I now work two jobs. 
Anthropologie employee discount, bitchezzzzzz.

(God help me if the law firm ever finds my blog.)

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Got a Secret, Can You Keep It?

The first thing I want to talk about is this quote attributed to Eminem:

Today at work, Boss Lady suggested that I "not drink so much water 
if it's going to make me take so many restroom breaks."
Again I say: whaaaaat. 

This picture is from my Rome semester, and
it popped up on my newsfeed yesterday:
It started out as a joke, 
but someone makes sure this photo pops up every once in a while
so that we can treasure how awful we felt at this moment in time. 

I absolutely loved my 10-day experience, BUT
the day this picture documents was fairly terrible. 
We ran around Budapest (literally ran--with all of our bags)
to multiple train stations because someone in our group
couldn't figure out what the tickets said,
and we didn't want to pay for a taxi.
At this point during the day, we had completely given up
and collapsed in the wrong train station. 
The expressions on our faces say it all. 
I come back to it to remind myself that, 
however bad life seems, 
this day was probably worse. 
Lately, it's been kind of a toss up.

The one good thing about this day was finding the Mexican restaurant in Budapest. 
Mexican food makes everything better, even sketchy Mexican in Eastern Europe.

Here are a few secrets:

 » My deepest desire, at all times, is to be hot tubbing. 
When you look at me, just know that I am dreaming
of sitting in a giant tub of boiling water. 
We might be talking about filing for bankruptcy 
or the latest Anthro catalogue
or working out later that evening,
but I am thinking about a scalding bath. 
Rest easy (or slightly uncomfortably) in that knowledge.

» When I was little, we lived in a house with very peel-able paint. 
I once peeled the beginning of my name into the closet 
I shared with my sister.
Before getting caught, I peeled it into the name of an acquaintance
and blamed it on her. 
I was a terrible child. 

» I'm at that point, post-crush, 
where I kind of still want to talk to you but I also think you're a huge douche.
The end is near! Wheeeeeee!

» I want a ton of kids, 
but I'm super reluctant to change my life entirely. 
18 years, 18 years/She got one of your kids, got you for 18 years...

» I feel like an idiot because I don't read intellectual books anymore.
When I do have/make time to read, 
I read children's books. 
Ain't no shame a little bit of shame in my game. 

» I find my gender completely irrational, 
myself included. 
I'd like to think that I rise above that stereotype 75% of the time, 
but the other 25% I'm just as hysterical as all my ladiezzz.
I wouldn't even complain (very much) if women
had to get authorization for certain things. 
We crazy. 

Got any secrets that are just weighing you down?