Thursday, February 27, 2014

I'm With Stupid

I am going to fail out of law school.
I haven't even started, but I know this to be true.
My brain does a weirdly good job of retaining trivia, 
but isn't so great at keeping all the smart stuff in. 

I won celebrity bankruptcy trivia at work
(exactly what it sounds like: trivia about celebrities who've gone bankrupt), 
and I did so well that my boss asked me if I cheated. 
But ask me about the historical novel I'm currently reading, 
and I got nothing. 
I can tell you the basic idea, but I don't remember any details. 
I can tell you, however, that George Clooney is starring in the movie version. 

I once vividly described an episode of Hart of Dixie
during a conversation with Tessabelle.
I can even picture what the main characters were wearing, 
mostly because everyone dresses super cute on that show.

Quiz me on philosophy. 
Actually, please don't. 
It would be embarrassing. 
I could probably muddle my way through a conversation, 
but only by way of that going-off-of-what-smarter-people-just-said thing. 
I hate myself for doing that, but it's a survival skill.
Frequently, I feign less trivial knowledge of Harry Potter
because I don't want to look like a creep.
In reality, my HP skillz could earn me a position as Hogwartz headmaster. 
My brain senses true knowledge coming towards it
and puts up a deflector shield.
But pointless trivia?
Soaks that stuff up like the vapid little sponge it is.

Thus, this sad, terrible bankruptcy firm is my hey-day. 
This is the last time I will feel superior to anyone. 
The last time I will be surrounded by comparatively stupider people. 
I do not treasure it while in the midst of it, 
but I will look back at these days with fondness. 

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Mary Angela and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today has been a day. 
I got to work and was immediately yelled at for not doing something
that I actually did a month ago. 
(My office is the definition of competent.)
 My time-off request still hadn't been approved after nearly two weeks.
Construction workers were simultaneously 
jack hammering and power-washing right outside my window.
My "sensitive" co-worker cried in her office and went home early.
I only had one cup of coffee this morning. 
AND I had to drink it with regular milk, instead of my usual hazelnut creamer. 
Just the worst. 

Days like this call for a survival kit:
A Nebuchadnezzar of wine // I don't want to sound greedy, but that's how much it would take to de-stress at this point. Also, these names are super cool. I only want to drink wine by the "Methuselah". 

Warby Parker Welty glasses // I adore my specs, especially after a long, headache-inducing day. The last thing I want to do is stress the ole eyeballs while viewing the latest Downton. 

Decision-making toolkit // Nobody wants to make difficult decisions after a hard day. I am notorious in my family for being unable to make even the smallest of decisions. On road trips, 
we would spend way too long in gas stations waiting for me to pick a snack. 

Chips & queso // Maybe it's being from San Antonio, but large quantities of melted cheese can solve most problems. 

Harry Potter // Any book, most movie. Although, I might get sad again when I come to the realization (for the millionth time) that HP isn't real life. 

Shoes // I insist that a beautiful pair of "shiny ponies" could be a panacea for all the world's problems. Hitler was probs just angry that his shoes were so ugly (kiddingggggg). 

The best I can do right now is a bag of honey mustard pretzels & 
a pirated copy of Order of the Phoenix + my glasses because my head already hurts. 
But let's be real, 
I am absolutely fine settling for that. 

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Back in the USSR

Confession: I haven't really watched the Olympics. 
I don't have cable & I can't find anywhere to view online. 
I've been watching the live results on the official website, 
but that's kind of the worst. 
Curling isn't known for being action-packed. 
I found a way to make it even more boring than it already is:
watch the "live" graphic representation of it on the website. 
All of the confusion is still present + you don't even get to watch them use the brooms.

I've watched whatever sport is on when I'm at the gym
which is the biggest motivator in the entire world. 
Just as I think I can't run anymore, I see the ladies' cross-country.
Clearly, if I don't collapse after my workout, I am a weak, disgusting human being.

So, since I haven't been able to watch the actual sports, 
I glean a lot of context clues from the icons:
Curling: reaching for your purse               Luge: napping
Short track: extreme piggybacking          Ski jumping: struggling uphill against the wind
Nordic combined: leap frog on skis        Figure skating: flamboyant running
Freestyle skiing: falling                             Cross-country: jazzercise
Bobsleigh: peas in a pod                          Skeleton: poor decision-making

I think my version of Olympic sports is better. 
Biathlon is the only one I wouldn't change
because it's weird enough as it is.
It's like training for real-life Red Dawn.  

I mostly like to look at the athletes, to be honest. 
Gus Kenworthy is obvi this year's favorite
because he's a cutie & he loves puppies almost as much as I do. 
Sorry for not being more patriotic & watching every single event like I'm actually competing, 
but I blame NBC for not making it free. 
I bet every Russian man, woman, & child is required to watch under penalty of Gulag. 

Freedom, out. 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

To All My Ladiez That Be Livin It Up

To get to my grocery store, I have to drive down 
the hipster-Mecca of Greenville Ave.
It's super cute, don't get me wrong; 
on Saturdays, though, it is annoyingly packed with idiot SMU clones.
On this particular Saturday, the weather was crisp, the sun was shining, 
and the girls in leggings & sorority shirts abounded. 
Maybe if I wasn't just getting off work, it wouldn't have bothered me so much, 
but I had reached my stupidity-limit for the week
and I just wasn't having it. Not at all. 

I am exhausted dealing with my generation of females. 
Girls have always been crazy, and we always will be. 
But this particular batch seems to take the cake.


Places Girls Should be Banned Until We Pull Ourselves Together

1. Bars/Restaurants
Until we can manage to put some real clothing on, 
we should not be allowed to step foot in any watering hole. 
During the day, we dress like we are going to bed, 
and in the evening, we dress like decently-priced prostitutes. 
I don't care if it's a lazy Saturday,
you can manage to struggle into some jeans & a top that fits. 
When you show up in what amounts to exercise clothes, 
it tells me that you don't value me enough to actually make an effort. 
Which leads to evening wear:
It appears that you "value" those bar fellows a little more than they deserve, 
by the way you're showing the goods.
For the love of all things holy, put some damn clothes on. 
I am not a prude, I promise. 
But when I go to a bar and feel like I need to remove at least three items of clothing 
in order to fit in, there's a problem.
As a fellow female, if I am uncomfortable seeing so much of you, 
do you really think you are commanding 
respect from the menfolk?
Girls love to love Audrey, Jackie, & Grace but it's a superficial love.
You know what those ladies had in common?
Some semblance of class. 
Looking put-together is valuing yourself & respecting others. 
Figure it out, ladiez.
2. Co-ed schools
I went to a co-ed public school & did just fine, 
but I feel more and more like I was the exception rather than the rule.
Put us around boys and we turn into drooling morons.
There are two options here:
1. Girls are playing dumb
If this is true, I am done done done. 
I just can't. 
But this is still better than...
2. Girls really are that stupid
Please don't tell me. My heart can't take it.

The only way to stuff knowledge into our brains
is to completely isolate us from men-folk until we have been properly formed.
If we can respect ourselves & our intelligence, 
we might not embarrass the entire female gender the next time a cute boy speaks.
Get thee (temporarily) to a nunnery & get yourself learned.
3. The workplace (excluding nursing & teaching)
I am of the opinion that women are divinely intended to be mothers and homemaker.
Any other job you can do that first allows you to fulfill your children
is the cherry on top of your glorious life. 
But I understand that there are times when solely being a mother isn't possible.
In that case, at least attempt to keep the hysterics at a minimum when in the office.
Crying is absolutely not okay. 
I don't care how many articles you read stating that it's allowed
It's not. 
It makes people uncomfortable, and people don't respect you.
(Exception: nurses & teachers.
Y'all can cry if you want to, you deal with a lot.
Teachers, just don't let the kids see. Your tears make them grow like Gremlins.)
Stop causing drama. 
When you create an environment that is more like a reunion episode of Real Housewives, 
you're not being professional, and people don't respect you.
Don't talk about "leaning in". 
Actions speak louder than words.
Having a special term for feminist ideals in the office
makes people focus on the differences between men & women,
and people don't respect you. 
I don't know if you've caught on yet, 
but respect is a key player in this.
Get some, for yourself & others.
…or at least I try. 

Sunday, February 9, 2014

My Week in (Scrubs) Gifs

This is a new thing I'm trying. 
When I can't think of what to blog, 
you get a recap of my week in gifs from my favorite shows. 
It will reveal to you my television preferences, 
as well as keep you updated on me, 
which I know is super important to most people. 
It also saves me from having to actually think about blog content, 
so I am a fan of this. 

Monday: woke up & realized that Groundhog weekend is actually over.
I would like to Groundhog Day that weekend over & over again.
Tuesday: I attempted to use my high school/college Spanish to help a client. Not at all successful.
Pretty sure he thinks he doesn't have to file his taxes now. My b.

In my defense, we were doing just fine 
until I had to use legal terminology. I struggle with that in English. 
Wednesday: law school apps were turned in, ain't nothing gonna bring me down.
Thursday: Snow day! Boss Man was letting people go early because of the inclement weather,
but he made me wait a disgusting amount of time.

I finally got permission to leave around 3:30,
which is definitely better than my usual end time of 7:30 or 8. 
But still. 
Friday: Someone left the office unlocked on Thursday & Boss Man's gun was stolen out of his desk.
God help us all.

We now have to have a staff meeting about correct lock-up procedure. 
Saturday: working on Saturdays is slowly killing me. I just don't wanna. 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Insta Round-Up: The Great Groundhogian

Sorry if you've already seen these on Insta;
I just couldn't spare the time to write an actual post, so you get GHog pics instead.
I've been a busy little bee & finally finished my law school apps! 
Right on time, too, because the first deadline is February 15th.
If I don't mention law school ever again, 
it's because I didn't get in anywhere and let's not talk about it, k?

I submitted my apps last night,
and there was a marked difference in my behavior at work today.
It went a little something like this:
I had "Timber" stuck in my head all day,
time actually moved fairly quickly, 
& I couldn't wait to go on my evening run.
Someone asked me for relationship advice, 
and I didn't even respond snarkily.
In short, today was weird.
Things have been pretty awful for so long, 
it's a little disconcerting to feel so careless. 

Now, release the Groundhog: 
(let's see how many allusions I can make in this one)

God created man in his image;
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.
Sorry for the blasphemy.

Listen my children and you shall hear

Groundhog Day is my absolute favorite holiday.
Sometimes, I get caught up in Christmas & Halloween,
but February 2 rolls around and I remember. 
Oh, do I remember.

Last year at GHog, I was unemployed.
 Having a job made this year slightly more complicated,
but not necessarily in a bad way.
I still managed to stay out ridiculously late on Thursday & Friday, 
but I didn't get sick-drunk, 
so I consider it an all-around win.
There was some fairly persuasive encouragement
to skip work on Saturday, 
but I did the adult thing & the anticipation made it that much better.
Despite my desire to catch up to everyone else, drunk-wise, 
I distinctly remember eating a piece of naan 
& telling a stranger that "I just don't want to die."
(His response: a very solemn "me neither" & a bite out of my naan. 
No one's a stranger for long on Groundhog.) 

(Row 1: a Mexican cartel bomb to start the weekend right, a free Pat Green concert courtesy of Chart Westcott, & what I was doing Saturday morning;
Row 2: Ye Olde Tower, lovely ladiez, & GHog buds;
Row 3: #socollege, Greg was a dancing machine, & the Groundhog 2014 sweatshirt)

Casualties of the weekend: the Burt's Bees that I accidentally washed 
in the laundry the next day, 
the sleep I so desperately need (my eye's been twitching for days now), 
and my desire to be an adult. 
Can I re-do college?