Sunday, March 23, 2014

My Week in (Jean-Ralphio) Gifs

Monday: Worked a half day.
Everything was it's usual state of awful.
I've learned to be pleased with that. 
Tuesday: Arrived at work veeeery early for our office meeting.
It was canceled. No one told me.
Also, got the email to end all emails.
Internets are gone. 
Wednesday: I am so done without the internets.
Thursday: This needs to end.
I was yelled at by several clients today.
Sorry that large, freshly-incarcerated black men who are angry with me terrify me.
(Also, none of that is stereotyping. I have several clients who fit that EXACT description.)
And I didn't even have the internet to make me feel better.
Think back to how awful the end of my unemployed stage was.
I would rather be there again. 
Friday: Neither of my bosses had been to work in 3 days.
For no reason that we were aware of.
They took the internets, and left.
Are they hiding the internet in a far away location?
Are they holding the internet hostage in a scary cabin somewhere?
I need to get out of here.
Saturday: Work.
Missing bosses still managed to email every hour or so
about things that have gone wrong.
Maybe if they came to work fewer things would go wrong?
But what do I know.
I just need to bounce, ASAP.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Day the Internets Died

First they came for the cell phones, 
and I did not speak out--
Because I could sneak it in my pocket. 

Then they came for the purses,
and I did not speak out--
Because I could hide it in my desk.

Then they came for the internet, 
and I did not speak out--
Because I thought I could function without it.

Then they came for me--
and there was no one left to speak for me
because we all died of boredom. 

Boss Lady just announced that she will get notifications 
whenever we go to a website that's not approved for work. 
I could barely understand what I was reading, 
due to the blood rushing through my ears and the tightening of my chest. 
That email was like a death knell.
My first week of work, they told us that we couldn't carry our cell phones. 
It was "for our protection" because our clientele is trashy and steals stuff. 
They installed lockers during my first month. 
We were no longer allowed to keep our purses or any other personal items
with us in our offices. 
Again, they cited the "our own protection" reason. 

Now they have taken my internets. 
This is a step too far. 
As Obama would say, 
"I didn't set a red line. [My boss] set a red line."

That's how they get you. 
They gradually increase limitations "for your protection"
until one day, you wake up, and personal liberty is gone. 
Watch yourselves.

We can't even check our email. 
I lived for G-chat. 
Contact with the outside world was the only way I got through my day. 
I read the news. 
How is that a bad thing?
It's not my fault I'm an awesome multi-tasker. 
Also, it's a scientific fact that listening to background music
improves work/school performance. 
Taking these things away from me is detrimental to everyone involved.
And those of you who claim to be "too busy" at work to do personal things, 
I call bull. 
You at least pull up good ole FB on your phone a few times a day. 
Also, you probably have co-workers with whom you can hold a conversation. 
If I wanted to know the best place to buy hoop earrings I could fit my fist through, 
or hear a theory about how all humans are descended from different alien races, 
I would talk to my co-workers. 
But we went through those conversations a while back
(Forever 21 & the alien thing gets uninteresting after the first time), 
so I sit in my office with nothing to do. 

I've been a month ahead in my work for 4 months now. 
That's as far forward as it's possible to work. 
I'm done. 
I finished. 
Is there a prize?

Web-savvy folk, is this a thing she can do?
Is there such technology?
Obvi, NSA has it, but does my boss?

At this point, I feel like my only option is to turn into V for Vendetta. 
Listen for the orchestra, people. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

DIY: Stars on Stars on Stars

I like to craft.  
That's probably why I majored in Education. 
But, believe it or not, teachers don't get to craft non-stop. 
It was a shock to me, too.

I see things that I really really want, 
but then I look at the price tag and my heart stops. 
So I make it instead. 

Anthro had these great fake animal trophy mounts:
But the prices were absurd, so I made my own. 
Tilt your head to the right & squint. It's a gold moose. With glitter antlers.

A friend of mine was searching for a Hobbes stuffed animal,
a la Calvin & Hobbes
No dice, at least not for a decent price. 
Out of the kindness of my heart, and because it was a fun challenge, 
I sewed one for him. 
Bow down before me, ye unskilled crafters. 

So my latest project was to replicate an Anthropologie sweater 
I've been lusting after for months.
I've always loved stars. Not in a stupid, horoscope-follower way. 
More of a look-at-me-with-my-acoustic-music-stargazing-I'm-so-cool way. 
RIP High School Mary. 

The $118 price tag was enough of a deterrent. 
So, on a whim, I decided to make it this past weekend.

Step One: Run to Buffalo Exchange spontaneously. 
Spend 15 minutes searching for a sweater, swearing that you're not going to compromise. 
Find a similar-ish sweater & completely compromise
because you want to get started immediately
and you're too impatient to find the perfect sweater. 
Step Two:
Get really excited because you already have embroidery thread from another project.

Step Three: Google how to use embroidery thread because you're an idiot.

Step Four: Decide you're going to be really cool 
and choose your own section of the sky to sew. 
Panic about all the choices and resort back to following Anthro's pattern.

Step Five: Do your best impression of a Disney woodland creature. 
Sew until you can't sew anymore. 
Step Six: Congratulate yourself. 
Wear that sweater with pride. 
Strut your stuff knowing that all those other girls are basic bitchez
who bought their sweaters at a store. 

Here's my finished product:
Kinda, sorta similar. 
I veered off-pattern at the end, but it's mostly the same. 
And I'm mostly satisfied.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Theven Things Thursday

I took a week off from el bloggo. Get over it. 
This is something I like to call "Theven Things Thursday" because:
- It's posted on Thursday, 
- It consists of theven seven things, 
- I like alliteration, and
- Lisps are sad and funny at the same time

     One of my Lenten disciplines is a weird & strict diet. 
It's not solely selfish; it really has been difficult & I have to be disciplined. 
So there. 
 I'm doing the Keto diet. 
It's kind of like Atkins, but I can't binge on meat, caveman-style. 
It's a little like Paleo, but doesn't restrict my love of all things dairy.
Also, sugar is the devil. 

Theven Things I Can Eat:
So…I eat a lot of meat and eggs. And cheese. 
Which may seem pretty awesome, 
but please don't be taken in by these savory seductresses. 
It gets old pretty dang fast. 
Also, I don't do things in a classy way, at all. 
I'm not having steak for dinner. 
I don't get home and prepare a gourmet cheese platter for one. 
(Although that sounds delicious & a little pathetic.)
Tonight, I ate this:
Lunch meat, cheddar cheese, & Brazil nuts. 
I'm like a giant elementary schooler. 
This is just a weird, sad version of a lunchable.

It also seems like it would do the opposite of help you lose weight. 
Not so, my friend. 
You can eat bacon & drop them pounds. 

However, a lady walked into the office with a box of Krispy Kreme and I almost punched her. 
I don't even like Krispy Kreme. 
But the thought of a carb being so close (and yet so far) made me punchy. 

The other thing about this Keto thing is that I can't drink beer. 
Double-edged sword, that one is. 
Beer is cheap, so I'm mad about that. 
But now I have to drink liquor. 
I don't have any other choice. (Not drinking is not an option.) 
So while you schmucks are day-drinking with common swill, 
I'll be going hard-ish with a whiskey & Diet Coke.

Fair warning: don't mention biscuits & gravy. I can't be held accountable for my actions.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Catholic Eye of the Tiger

One of the (minor) reasons I love being Catholic
is because we're such big one-uppers. 
No one can compete with us. 

Oh, you've got a famous guy as the head of your church?

You belong to a giant megachurch?
Oh, that's cute.

Your pastor devotes his life to God?
K, bye. 

Your religion appeals to a younger generation?

A religion full of one-uppers. 
That's what makes Lent so difficult. 
I know it's not a contest, but it still kind of is. 
Plus, I have to one-up myself. 
Obviously, I also use Lent as a time for contemplation
& spiritual growth begotten from self-sacrifice.
But my brain is messed up & I see Lent as a challenge as well.
You don't know it, but I'm in competition--
with myself and also maybe you. 
My competitiveness is my cross to bear. Don't judge me.
I've got some ideas for Lent,
but I kind of wanted to see what y'all think would be the biggest sacrifice for me. 
(Also, I found out how to do a poll on Blogger & got excited.)
Choose wisely. 
What should be my Lenten discipline? free polls 
*I will probs definitely not choose based on these results. You don't own me.
This blog would be nothing without sarcasm. Could you go 40 days without it?
 Giving up social media would take away so much from you, but I would do it for Jesus. 
Shopping? I feel like I draw in a lot of converts just by dressing cute. 
But it's a sacrifice I would make. 
I'm pulling for the fast; self-discipline is a virtue that would
transfer to other areas of my life, 
plus it's high time I lose the baby weight I've been toting around for the past 22+ years.
Chubby cheeks just aren't coming back in style, no matter how hard I try to make it a thing. 
JKJK, guyz.