Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Things I'm Terrible At.

My most popular blog posts were written during a series of deep, dark depressions.
Y'all only like me when I'm sad. 

You'll be happy to hear, then, that sad times are a-comin': Mary is officially a working girl.
I know that this is old news, 
but I almost quit after a week, so obviously this whole job thing should
gift us some pretty blog-worthy things. 

Inspired by Carly from the Pinot Project &
in the spirit of job-hood, here's a list of things (other than working) that I'm terrible at:

I abhor chores.
Living alone makes that hatred perfectly acceptable, 
because only I have to live in the filth. 
Honestly, I do better when I live with other people, 
but the hatred & lassitude never fully go away. 
I usually just half-ass everything. 
If I don't know EXACTLY what the tag says, 
then I just kind of guess how a garment should be laundered. 
White gym socks & white work blouse? Y'all must go together, fabric be damned.
#YOLO: you only launder once.

« Not Interrupting»
I come from a long line of opinionated people. 
We are right, and you are wrong, and your ignorance cannot
be allowed to infiltrate our hearing any longer. 
You must be interrupted. 

For example, 
(these conversations may or may not have actually occurred)

Fool: "Isn't Europe just so much better than Amer--"
Me: "America is the best, you Commie Canuck."

Fool: "Can I see you're answer for numb--"
Me: "I can HEAR you using the wrong 'your', idiot."

« Confrontation»
Avoid it at all costs. 
I don't even want to write about it now. 

When given a schedule, I do great. 
When making a schedule for myself, it's a pointless waste of time.
When I first became unemployed, 
I made this beautiful schedule in which I made time
for working out, snacks, prayer, everything.
Ask me how long that lasted.
(Not one single day.)

«Dating in the Real World»
Granted, I've only been on a couple of dates since graduating from college.

I don't think it's because I'm ugly; mostly, I'm just awkward. 
But real world dating is the worst. 
Trying to meet someone outside of your little college bubble 
is like Lord of the Flies.
Primitive & savage & not worth my time.

Not really that kind of primitive. But kind of.

«Video Games»
In all honesty, I've only played video games, like, twice. 
But I was terrible, 
and I don't see it getting any better. 
Give me an old-fashioned board game any day.

That's it. 
That's all I'm bad at.
Don't question it. 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Rest of My Life?

Citizens of Blogland:

I got a job!

Don't get too excited. 
I'm only temping with a law firm, 
but it's money in the bank. (Shawty, what you drank?)

Also, I'm pretty miserable. 
I thought being unemployed for so long was my lowest point, 
but then I got a jooooob.
Now I'm just like every other schmuck
and I really can't understand why more people don't commit suicide 
on their way home from the office.

Maybe because this is waiting for them at home?
I am embracing employment, Mad Men-style.

I'm pretty sure wage laws are being broken, 
because I'm basically making child-sweat-shop money. 
I keep having to tell myself that this job is temporary, 
and I can leave whenever I want to. 

That might end up being really soon. 

A little blogging, Twilight-style:
About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, I was not meant for work.
Second, there was part of me--and I didn't know how potent that part might be--
that wanted to die.
And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably upset about my life.


I hummed this all day yesterday. 

I am the very model of a modern secretary.

I'm probably going to get fired because of it. Whateva.

Today, my drive home took TWO HOURS.
I love me some Texas Rangers, but if one of their games holds me up like that again, 
I'm going all hari kari on them.

Luckily, my car also functions as a discoteca when tuned to the right stations.
XM Pop2K does the job juuuuust fine.
Music from the best years of my life? Please and thank you. 
After all, when was the last time you heard the Thong Song?
For me, it's only been a couple of hours, thanks to Pop2K.

Life epiphany: I am Andy Bernard. 


This foray into legal life has me questioning everything. 
I've been reading through this series of articles on the Art of Manliness:

As I haven't gotten through the articles, I don't really have any more to say about that. 
I'll let you know how it goes.
Mabes say a little prayer for my future?
K thanks.

Now, I'm going to go look at the Animals section of Buzzfeed & Pinterest 
to make myself feel better. 

Friday, July 19, 2013

If I Could Plan My Own Birthday (+ Magic Was Real...)

I'm at that stage of unemployment
where I'm pretty ready to just Walden out. 
Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air & all that. 

I went through a pretty sweet Walden phase my last couple of years of high school.
My mom refers to it as my "hippie" phase, 
but that sounds philosophically & fashionably tragic.

It was a little tragic. 
(Photos from junior & senior year, respectively.) 

There are no jobs to be had, 
so I might as well finally realize my high school dream:
to live in a school bus in the wilderness, hunt & forage for my food, 
and listen to the Dead all day.
(Replace the Dead with Pearl Jam and my dream is Into the Wild. I understand that.
Please don't make fun of 18-year-old me.)

Anywhoodle, my birthday is on Saturday.
Here's what I would do if I could plan my own birthday + magic was real:
(22 going on 8, y'all)

Wake up: breakfast with the Disney princesses

This is a real thing. 
I did it at Disney World for my friend's 18th birthday.
However, I would like to do it with the actual princesses,
not actors. 

We also got princess makeovers. DO NOT DO THIS.
That amount of gel + that amount of eye shadow does not belong on a white girl. 
Plus, 18-year-old me had terrible taste in earrings. GIANT HEARTS WHAT WHAT.

9:30-10:00 Pet a unicorn

Unicorns are wild creatures, so keeping it isn't an option, 
but petting it is. 

10:00-2:00 Go to Harry Potter-land (aka The Wizarding World of Harry Potter)

Being completely honest, 
I sometimes spend long periods of time thinking about how great this place must be.
I have a passionate love for Disney World and didn't think it could get better. 
And then the geniuses at Disney added Harry Potter. 
Fair warning: I will probably tear up if I ever make it there. 

And while I was at Harry Potter-land, I would receive my owl!
Yes, I would be the oldest student at Hogwarts but whatevaaa. 

2:00-2:01 Spend time with Doctor Who

I would only need a minute, because it's time travel.

2:01-5:00 Shopping spree 

I will not be limiting myself to one location. 
I would like a worldwide shopping spree.
Fifth Avenue,Via Montenapoleone,
 Bahnhofstrasse, Avenue Montaigne, back to La Cantera. 
Dream big.

Cue great "shopping" movie montage:

5:00-6:00 Play with a truckload of puppies

6:00-9:00 Classic movie-watching party at Hollywood Blvd Cinema with EVERYONE 

This movie theatre is beautiful. 
I would live there if I could.
Every theatre is themed & decorated to perfection.
The restrooms are not Men/Women; they are "Norman's" & "Mother's". I die

This is Coconut Grove & it is decorated like the streets of Casablanca. Guess what movie would be playing? 

9:00-??? Party it up in Vegas with my favorite people

It would start early because there's no time to be wasted with pre-gaming nonsense.
Everyone would go immediately from the movies to Vegas, 
& would be automatically dressed to the nines. 
All of my friends from every stage of life would be there + all of my favorite bands would play 
and then wander around talking to everyone, & it would be Gatsby-style.
Not 40s-themed, but FABULOUS-themed. 
Brian Litrell having a conversation with my bestie from 5th grade while Alanis dances with Biggie (RIP) to Michael Buble while showgirls drop glitter from chandeliers?
Can't imagine better. 

???-A.M. Spend the night in the Cinderella Suite

I would begin & end in Disney. 
Just as it should be. 

I have set my goals high. We'll see how it goes. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Blog About Nothing

In all of my interviews, I get this dreaded question:

What have you been doing since your last job?

My reaction:
This is my favorite face of all faces, so this image will be used often.

Luckily, "preparing for the LSAT" sounds good & is actually true.
Obviously, I should be volunteering or taking classes or whatever. 
And I will be doing that soon, I promise. 

But here's what I would say if I could be totally honest:

Re-watching Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Maybe it's because I'm older, but the way they never told us if Gary & Sam got together is really bothering me. 

Watching the birds play on my porch (& pretending I'm Cinderella)
I have the laziest, least helpful bird friends ever. 

Starting a blog

Here's a bunch of random Internet finds:

This story about a soldier & his dog-love from Afghanistan:
I would marry him so fast. 

Maybe it's because I'm accidentally tipsy (on this wine)
but videos of soldiers reuniting with their dogs make me cry
(note: it's not because of the wine; I do this every month or so).
There's actually a website that scratches that itch for me.
You're welcome & keep the tissues handy.

This is what Lisa Frank looks like:

I didn't really have any picture in my head, 
yet she is exactly what I would have imagined. 
I also had to look for a weirdly long amount of time before I could find a picture of her. 
It's not like she's the shy, retiring type:

She was so super high when she drew this.

I feel like every interview I have goes like this:

On the subject of New Girl:
"My life sucks so much right now, but at least I'm not 23."

This Facebook ad:

You want me to buy your wine?
Don't ever ever ever liken me to the 99%.
That shit cray.

Apparently, there's a heat wave in the Northeast right now:

Those temperatures + humidity look like Texas in September. 
Stop complaining & grab a snow cone. 

Also, my sister blogs. 
It's a mommy blog, so I don't really have much interaction with it.
she also crafts & is going to be a contributor at mycraftyspot.com!
So that's neat. 
Here's her blog.

My birthday's on Saturday. 
I might post again before then. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

Drinking with Dante, Pt. 2

I'm the worst. 
I promised the Dante continuation for Thursday, 
and failed to come through. 

Here's the thing:
I was in the Countdown City for a little visit (with no end in sight)
when I got an email about an emergency (!!!) job interview
that absolutely had to be done the next day (Thursday). 
So instead of blogging, 
I was driving back to DFW hoping to get my life together. 
That takes precedence, I think. 

Back to D-Man & his hellish vacation through...hell.

Here's the map, as a reminder:

«Circle Five: Wrath»
I was going to choose wine for this circle of hell, 
so I could make a grapes of wrath joke, 
but that was already used for the Limbo Party.

So I was left with Jager
This is a very personal & biased decision. 
1) Jager & I have some bad history, and
2) Anything that tastes like black licorice is disgusting and makes me angry.

And it might be a stretch, but:
- Guidos drink Jager bombs.
- Guidos have 'roid rage (like wrath, right?).
Jager is associated with rage.

And this guy:

«Circle Six: Heresy»
I'm having some difficulty with choosing a drink for this circle. 
With the other levels of hell, something would come to mind pretty quickly.
But I think I've got it. 

India Pale Ale. 
To come to this conclusion, I had to tear myself away from 
the Catholic Church-ey definition of heresy, 
and instead look at it something at odds with what is generally accepted.

At this point in time, craft beers are all the rage.
But here's a secret: many beginning brewers hide how bad their beer is
by adding a ton of hops. 
(The alliteration in that sentence...yowza.)
And then they try to pass it off as a beer for the "experienced palate".
It's now widely accepted that the mature drinker LUUURVES hoppy beer, 
so it is heresy to say that one prefers a BLL to that 
bitter, chewable, strained-through-your-hipster-beard brew.

Yo, I don't want to have to gain "experience" or
grow a handle bar mustache to enjoy my beer. 
Pass me a Shiner & I'm good to go. 

If you do nothing else with your day, just watch this.  

Heretics are sentenced to having to drink disgusting beer for eternity.
«Circle Seven: Violence»
Violence makes me think of Communism, 
Communism makes me think of Russians, and Russians make me think of vodka.
Simple as that. 
This is an AK-47 full of vodka. Russia, y'all. 

No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.

«Circle Eight: Fraud»
Back to the hipsters. 
Maybe I'm just an optimist, 
but I don't believe that anyone is genuinely a hipster.
It's just something they put on in the hopes of fitting in & seeming cool.
(Which just means that they'll change their personality 
for whatever the next trend is so UGH.)
Hipster-dom is fraudulent.

Therefore, the drink of the hipsters--PBR--is perfect for these sinners.

«Circle Nine: Treachery»
At last, the final circle of hell. 
Dante defines treachery as fraudulent acts between individuals who share 
special bonds of love and trust. 

So I thought about making this circle A BIG SUICIDE MIXTURE OF ALL ALCOHOL
because I have that sort of bond with alcohol--
I love it, but it keeps betraying me. 

But that might be breaking the rules, 
so I'm choosing moonshine
Can be super awesome (so I hear)
but can also make you go blind

The end. 
This might be something I do again, with other Core books.

Also, I'm announcing a three two-month spending moratorium. 
So, no: 
- Starbucks drinks
- clothing of any kind
- unnecessary Target purchases
- lazy fast food
Keep me honest, people. 
(Obviously, birthday drinks don't count.)

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Drinking with Dante, Pt. 1

Like any good Crusader, 
I read Dante's Divine Comedy my freshman year. 
I was a bit of a hot mess that year, so I didn't really do it the justice it so deserves. 
(Translation: Drinking was fun & reading was hard.)

Since graduation/the dreaded days of unemployment, 
I've been slowly rereading some of the Core
(Non-UD-ers: the Core is basically the required, Great Books curriculum at UDallas)
even with all this maturity gained & growth experienced & whatnot
I still like to drink. 
So why not combine Dante & drinking?
(I will admit to stopping after the Inferno because Purgatorio & Paradiso aren't nearly as fun.)

A couple of maps to help jog that memory & make you fear your earthly decisions. 

«Dark Wood» 
In the text, the description of Dante's starting point is pretty hazy--
probably an indication that our sweet poet has already taken to imbibing.

Throughout the poem, 
Dante is blessed with the help of Beatrice, St. Lucia, & the Virgin Mary--
three blessed women. 
As such, Dante should fortify himself with a shot (or three) of Tres Mujeres Tequila.
Feel the burn of the tequila-fire before you feel the burn of the hellfire.

«Gate of Hell »
"Abandon all hope, you who enter here."
(It's like college!)

Reserved for those who lived without ever making a conscious moral decision, 
the drink of choice for this Ante-Inferno is Smirnoff Ice
Despite it's frigid moniker, Smirnoff Ice is the beverage equivalent of 
being "lukewarm" in one's faith. 
(Rev 3:16 "But because thou art lukewarm and neither cold nor hot, I will begin to vomit thee out of my mouth.")
^That's a direct quote, y'all.^
Open the fridge? ICE.
Go for the remote? ICE.
Can't make a decision? GATE OF HELL. 

Those cowards condemned to this locale are constantly bitten by flies & wasps,
and blood & tears flow from them--all things I distinctly remember feeling
upon being Iced in college. 
Also, that vomiting thing mentioned in Revelation.

«Circle One: Limbo»
Technically the first circle of hell, Limbo is for those who are not saved 
though they did not sin.
Dante's Limbo contains unbaptized infants & virtuous non-Christian adults--
most notably, some ancient folks.
To make them feel perfectly at home & give it a little party atmosphere, 
wine is the bev served in Limbo.

Doing the limbo. Get it?

"Someone hold my balloon while I slap the bag."

«Circle Two: Lust»
The one's a bit like that disgusting bar that you hate because it's full of older guys & bros
but you go anyway because it's nearby & the weekday prices are great. 
(Shout out to the Quarter Bar!)
However, this bar only serves two drinks: cheap beer & Sex on the Beach-es. 
The second one needs no explanation. It's all in the name.

That slut, Francesca, showed up in Old Mill wearing this??

I also chose beer, though, because 
it's the preferred poison of all horny college students.
"The cheaper, the better" applies to both beer & women. 
Make bad choices & blame it on being drunk! Wheeeee!

«Circle Three: Gluttony»
The gluttonous, who excessively pursued pleasure in life, 
are doomed to lie on the ground while sewage rains down upon them.

This is the appropriate punishment for drinking a Fishbowl, as well. 
Fishbowls shout gluttony.
Yes, you're probably sharing it with friends, 
but you're still drinking out of something that's meant to house animals. 

I don't know anyone who's able to stop at just one Fishbowl.
They taste so good, you get cocky, & "it's girls' night out, so let's go crazy"
and pretty soon you really are lying on the ground in a diabetic coma. 
Fishbowls are full of sugar & evil. 
It looks so innocent

«Circle Four: Avarice & Prodigality»
Greed for material gain?
Excuse me, for immediately thinking of rappers. 

It's not like they've done anything to deserve that reputation. 

Obviously, Cristal is the perfect drink for those who squandered everything 
in their earthly lives.

But that covers only the "prodigality" side of things. 
Those who are guilty of avarice
(money-hoarding, cheap jerks)
prefer to close their fist around a few fingers of scotch.
Only because I imagine them being Mad Men-types.

"Give me three fingers, on the rocks." Ugh.
(If you remember the punishment in Circle Four, this pun is really funny.)

And here I stop before we encounter Wrath & Lower Hell.
I'm off to go practice some moderation & self-control or whatever. 

Drinking with Dante, Pt. 2 will be up on Thursday!