Friday, August 30, 2013

Through My Eyes

I think everyone is secretly schizo, but especially girls. 
We have several ideas of who we would like to be
and several other ideas of who we actually are. 
Or maybe that's just me. 
Waking up in the morning, 
I never know who I'm going to see in the mirror. 

Here's how I see myself:

«all the Mean Girls combined»

Like Gretchen, my hair is sometimes big and full of secrets. 
Also, I gossip when not reined in, and I'm fairly spoiled. 

Karen & I share some physical traits. Hopefully, that's it. 

Cady & I both want to be like by the popular girls. 
That never goes away, no matter your age. 

Like Regina, I am crippled by embarrassment 
(see what I did there? crippled? because she was in a neck brace? sorry.)
and I might lash out at others when feeling self-conscious. 

«a Jane Austen character»

I dabble in piano, am classically-trained in voice, can sew like nobody's business, 
and am fairly quick-witted (if I say so myself). 
Where the hell is my Knightly??

«a goddess»
These days are rare. 

«this goddess»

C'mon. Every girl thinks it. 
If you say you haven't, you're a liar. If not fat, then too skinny
or too ugly or too whatever. 
Everyone is self-conscious about something
and somedays you just wake up feeling like a chunky girl standing in a too-small shell. 


On occasion, I wake up feeling like myself. 
And that's cool too. 

This didn't merit a whole post, 
It was exhausting and awful and 
I don't want to talk about it too much because evil can sense that sort of thing. 
Just know that we survived by the grace of God and my mother. 
Mabes I'll post about it once the shock has worn off. 

Monday, August 26, 2013

Wedding Weekend: College Carousing

I'm writing this with a barely-functioning brain. 
I got back late-ish last night from a wedding in Florida, 
so obviously everyone should be jealous
but also I might have killed my few remaining brain cells. 

This lovely angel-face from my awesome college days was getting MARRIED!
I remember when we were (so it seemed) the only 2 from our group of friends left in the dorm.
That made for some amazing/weird memories.
Now she's a little wifey!

Their gorgeous wedding invitation

This wedding weekend made me feel like a real adult at times, 
but like SUCH a child at other moments. 

I took off work Friday & Saturday
(again I say it, my work schedule is the worst)
so I could fly out Friday afternoon.
Adult moment #1: I had to park my car at the airport for the weekend.
I'd never had to do that myself before, so I felt mature & responsible.

Wore these beauts to the airport. I would come to regret that later that evening.

I had big plans to get a drink (or three) on the flight over, 
Child moment #1: I'm the worst flier ever & have to take medicine and pass out
in order to not die. Flight uneventful. 

Adult moment #2: I took a taxi to the hotel when I arrived in West Palm Beach. 
Clearly, I've taken a taxi before, but when the situation does not involve me being drunk & trying to get home safely, I feel like an adult. (Sorry, Mom.)

When I got to the hotel, the lovely ladies I was rooming with 
were at the rehearsal dinner, 
so that was my cue to quickstep to the hotel bar. 
10 minutes & two drinks later, Mr. Bartender & I were besties. 
(He complimented my "fancy shoes" so I knew it was fate.)
Luckily, some friends met me in the bar later, so I didn't look like a complete drunk.

Fast forward: the morning of the wedding. 
Roomies/Bridesmaids were getting ready early
while I watched & made them drinks. 
(Aren't I just the best?)
Mistakes, y'all. 
Apparently, this is called a "Cuban Screw". I called it acceptable. 

We then moved on to champagne. 
At this point, I'd had a banana & alcohol. 
Child moment #2: I didn't understand my limitations. 

Beauts: bottle & Bridesmaids style.

After ushering them off in style, I got ready.
Two pictures because I'm vain.

I met up with people & went on over to the church. 
However, we were super early. 
What's the only solution?
One friend stayed behind to look at the church, 
and Drea & I went off to find "somewhere to sit". 
(Neither of us wanted to say "bar", but we were on the hunt.)

Child moment #3: still not knowing my limitations. 
2 for 1 drinks? I'm obligated to get 2, duh. 

Beautiful St. Ann's in West Palm Beach:
My two-cocktail hands made things a little blurry. Sorry. 

Their priest gave a great homily
& the love was tangible. 
Everything you could want on your big day.

Reception time!
Lucky Table 13. 
We were situated right next to the bar
and I can't help but wonder if Emily knew what she was doing. 

Sadly, I don't have many good pictures from the reception. 
Too much dancing & drinking, I suppose. 
No regrets. 

Classic sparkler exit. 
So happy!

Wedding's don't come without drama, 
so Adult moment #3 was throwing off my drunkenness 
to comfort a friend. 
I am just so selfless, guys. 

Clearly, we weren't done partying yet. 
An outfit change was necessary & then on to regroup at the hotel bar. 
UD folks don't really understand the purpose of decorative glasses. 
Lesson: it takes a solid amount of beer before the taste of Strawberrita is diluted. 
Child moment #4, I guess. 

Florida calls for a midnight walk to the beach. 
In my drunk-vulnerable state, 
I didn't quite catch that it was a 3-mile walk. 
Worth it. 

After walking back, I got to reminisce with college friends, 
which is the most wonderful of things. 
Adult moment #4: being able to reminisce about college. 
Getting old, y'all. 

Oh, and I saw a drawbridge in action.

One last picture of the blushing bride, courtesy of Kate P.:
Can you even believe how gorgeous she is??

Mission EJHWedding: Accomplished.

Also, I move on Thursday. 
Ask me how many boxes I've packed.
(Hint: this is the only one.)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The One That I Forgot to Write

Because I'm such an organized, on-top-of-things blogger, (ha!)
I have a blog planner. 
(It's really just an Excel spreadsheet that makes me feel more organized.)
According to my planner, I'm supposed to post something tonight...
I just didn't write down (type down?) an idea for said post. 

So this might be a stream-of-consciousness blog. 
Not that that's really any different from my usual blogging style. 
Don't hate. 


To start:

I just brought a tumbler of wine to Starbucks. 
Can I be arrested for admitting that online? 


Today, at work
(I feel like I use that sentence-starter a lot now)
I did something that might haunt me for as long as I work at this law firm. 
In order to get rid of this super annoying guy, 
I made up a boyfriend. 

This guy's been sniffing around my desk since I started working, 
and I've always been able to distract him 
Apparently, my choice in music today (Billie Holiday is super seductive)
just put him over the edge 
& he finally got up the courage to say more than "I was just thinking about you" (ugh)
when I called him on his office phone.
Long story short, I embellished too much & now I'm practically engaged. 
Do other people do this or is it just my natural inclination to lie when cornered?
It's that "fight or flight or fib" instinct. 

Forever alone.


"This Charming Charlie" is a Tumblr I now follow. 
It inserts Smiths lyrics for the dialogue in Peanuts comic strips. 
So very, very good. 


This man achieved all of my dreams. 
He bought a bus...
...and turned it into a home. 
High School Mary is elated & jealous & furiously trying to Ebay her way to a bus-clubhouse. 


I accomplished the bare minimum at work today. 
I leave for Florida on Friday & I can barely make it through the work day 
because of the anticipation. 
THE BOSS recently implemented these stupid rules:
all personal items must be
placed in your locker
(because we have lockers, that the boss' wife has access to).
There's also cameras in most offices that the boss (and his wife) actually watch.
My crazy mind accepted these challenges. 
The latest stroke of genius: keeping my phone tucked into a file folder
with a sheaf of documents. 
I'm not looking at my phone--I'm looking at these wage directives. 

Don't know that I'm going to make it through tomorrow. 
Pray for me & my wily ways. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Sunday Currently, Vol. 3

This is the most I have the energy for, right now. 
I'll work on a little somethin'-somethin'.


READING: I'm still working on The Monuments Men. It's a long-ish book, so cut me some slack. BUT I'm investing in some Fulton Sheen. The UD student in me can't not read more than one thing at once. 

WRITING: Packing lists: one for Emily's wedding (aaaah!) in Flo-Rida and one for my actual move. Figuring out what's going into storage & what's going to the apartment is adding some complications that I just don't need right now. 

LISTENING: Band of Horses set over the conversation of two septuagenarians (wearing socks with sandals) who seem to have the solutions to all of the country's problems. #barnesandnobleproblems They also really like to re-tell Reagan's jokes, which is actually pretty great & I keep laughing even though I have my headphones in. Whoops. 

THINKING: I need to figure out a job for which I never have to engage with people. I'm a curmudgeon. Today at work, I went through our entire list of clients & wrote down the names that made me laugh out loud. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm really, really not. 

SMELLING: Starbucks. 3 points away from my gold card! 

WISHING: Adulthood wasn't so hard. There really needs to be a required course to teach about all the things you might confront later in life. I would offer to teach it, but 
1) we all know how my teaching career turned out, and 
2) without the perspective I probably need to gain, 
it would be the most depressing class in the history of education. 

HOPING: My parents get me something good from their vacation! They're in London right now & off to Paris in a few days, so I'm expecting something fabulous. Yes, I still expect souvenirs as a 20-something. 

WEARING: Trouser jeans & a black shirt? I just got off of work & came straight to B&N to steal the internets. My life is awful & I'm aware...

LOVING: The Lilly sale starting Monday. Mini-vacation for Emily's wedding next weekend where I'll see loved ones. The conversation my mother & I had about potentially quitting my job soon (everything was put in those really ambiguous terms)Today at work, I went through our entire list of clients & wrote down the names that made me laugh out loud. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm really, really not. So I'm really loving that. 

WANTING: To quit my job. But that's a want I have every day of my life, so instead: fall weather. I love me some Texas, but today was a cool-ish day and it's 91 degrees right now. I'm going to Colorado in September for another wedding & I'm afraid I'm going to get spoiled. 

NEEDING: To live closer to work (which is happening at the end of the month). My drive is about an hour each way, at the moment. It's probably the worst thing to ever happen to me. I'm not really an angry driver--I just get super passive aggressive and start calling everyone "friend" and "buddy". I pretty much turn into Bill Lumbergh from Office Space. 

FEELING: Underwhelmed by life. That sounds a lot more dramatic than I meant it to sound. Still true, though. It's hard to muster up the energy for anything when I have no idea what I'm doing currently nor what I want to do in the future. Life, y'all. 

CLICKING: A round-up of the fantastic links that were posted by friends this week:
If you read NOTHING else this week, read this. This guy's a genius.
(h/t: Momma Deal)
Shotgun being a "life-logger". 
(h/t: Sammi)
I have a deep love for mums. 
This should be shared with the world. 
(h/t: Catherine)

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


I'm a bad blogger. 
I no longer have internet in my apartment, 
and my hours at work make it difficult to work up the energy to 
go to Starbucks.
I'll do better?

Life is hard. 
Not mentally-straining hard, 
but keep-my-mouth-shut-because-I-have-nothing-nice-to-say hard. 
I frequently find myself having to take a step back 
and remind myself that the scenarios that play out in my head
cannot happen, for moral or legal reasons. 

I used to hate that phrase, WWJD?
Like the constant reminder of my sinfulness is helpful. 
But recently I realized that thinking about what Jesus would do
is super therapeutic. 
Because Jesus is an unpredictable fellow.  

Scenario 1:
There's a girl at work who seems stuck in that terrible middle school phase
of wanting attention, be it good or bad. 
She sits in my office area and just taaaaaalks
about her maybe-abusive boyfriend, 
how she's still intoxicated from the night before, 
her shirt that dyes her armpits but not her bra...
nothing is off-limits. 
My first reaction was the intense desire to smack her across the mouth. 

Jesus would turn that water cooler into a wine cooler
and get over it. 
It's a heck of a lot easier to ignore someone
when you're on the way to drunk. 

Scenario 2:
At this point, much of my job consists of calling clients
asking for missing documents or payments that haven't been made. 
99.9% of our clientele are poor, ghetto people
(not saying anything about race)
who think that, by coming to our firm, they no longer need to participate in their bankruptcy. 
They don't want to find that 2011 tax return
and they sure as hell can't afford to make that payment
(don't even get me started on the unnecessary things they can seem to afford).
This means that I spend most of my time getting cussed at over the phone, 
not to mention the times I get cussed at in person when I'm working the reception desk. 
I would really like to cuss back
(but I don't because I'm a white girl with no experience in this sort of thing).

Jesus would flip the crap out of that desk, 
make a scourge out of the twisty phone cords, 
and drive those rude people out of my office.

Scenario 3:
An old, braided jerk on a motorcycle honked at me
and waved for me to get out of the fast lane, 
despite the long line of slow cars in front of me. 
I really really wanted to throw open my car door 
and vehicle-clothesline him as I drove past. 

Most definitely not that. 
But he might curse his motorcycle & cause it to wither, 
a la fig tree. 
"And he said to it, 'May no one ever drive poorly on you again.'
And the disciples heard it."
(bastardization of Mark 11)

And that's all I can really think of. 
There are tons of other situations that test my patience, 
But for brevity's sake (and so y'all don't think I'm too horrible of a person),
I'll stop there. 
Sorry for being blasphemous or whatever. 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Workin' for the Weekend (& the Whiskey)

The law firm apparently sees something in me (ha!)
because they gave me a promotion, raise, & office after my first week.

Even with all that cushiness, work is rough. 
My hours kind of suck & I work on Saturdays. 
Not at conducive to my party lifestyle, obvi.
Plus, dealing with the average person is...

I also have different viewpoints on bankruptcy
than do the people I work with. 
(That's not random: it's a bankruptcy law firm.)
I understand that sometimes bad things happen to good people, 
but that's not really what I'm seeing at work. 
It's pretty widely-known that I'm a good ole elephant, politically, 
so you can draw your own conclusions as to my 
feelings concerning the kind of person I see daily. 
In short: I'm sympathetic to their plight, but also not really. 

Some days, 
I can barely make it to my break
so I don't explode a la Office Space. 
I've been seriously contemplating the ramifications
of stealing creamers from the break room.
(Please understand that reference.)

I take my break time seriously, 
which is why today sucked so entirely
because I spent my lunch hour getting my car fixed.
But usually, 
I try to find somewhere quiet, steal their internets, Facebook a little, 
and listen to some muzak. 

Here's a little of what I've been listening to lately, just to make it through the work day:

Do you have a lunch-hour routine?
On another note, does anyone out there actually enjoy their coworkers?
(Please let me know, so I have some hope for the world.)

Sunday, August 4, 2013

The Sunday Currently, Vol. 2

At some point while I was working my little fingers to the bone (employment what what), 
I hit 2,000 views!

Also, my tweet got retweeted by Catholic Girl Probs! 
I feel famous.


READING: The Monuments Men by Robert Edsel. So good, so far. I like a book that makes me feel inspired, impressed, & inadequate, all at the same time. Plus, the movie (coming out in December!) stars George Clooney, so I'm goooood to gooooo.

WRITING: Ugh. I never actually finished/posted that letter to KP. I'm the worst pen pal in the world. And as always, to-do lists. 

LISTENING: The Essential Paul Simon. SO many singable songs.

THINKING: I would be totally fine getting married & never working again. I feel like my job hunt has been slightly more dramatic than most + I'm so done after only two weeks at work. Sorry, feminism. 

SMELLING: Vanilla, from my DDP + vodka. I'm not sure if my synapses are firing funny, but it smells of vanilla to me. 

WISHING: I was friends with Zsa Zsa Gabor. I just realized that she is still alive, and she definitely has some great stories. 

HOPING: My end-of-August move goes well. It probably won't, though, because I have a bad habit of worrying about something but not actually working to fix the problem. Don't be surprised if August 31 hits and not a single box is packed...

WEARING: UD shirt + VS boxers. I worked all day; get off my back. 
When I wear the full set, I too only button two buttons. 
Because my belly button gets hot, obviously.

LOVING: 90's tunes. I start my mornings with LFO Pandora while I get ready for work, then drive into Dallas with the 90s XM station blasting. For such an awful time period, the music produced was on point. This one's really been getting to me:

First slow dance everrrr.

WANTING: a kebab. I went to this fab Greek restaurant for my brother-in-law's birthday a couple of nights ago, and now I'm craving all the food from my semester in Europe. Kebabs played a significant role in my life then, mostly because they were super cheap, super accessible (they're sold on the street), and super tasty. Made from lamb & heaven, these are not the "shish"-type kebab that Americans so foolishly accept as food. 

Also, this happened. (Belly)dancing queen!

NEEDING: To be more on top of things. I guess being tired/busy isn't a very good excuse for not paying bills? (Just kidding, Mom. Calm down.)

FEELING: Exhausted. I started working at a bankruptcy law firm a couple of weeks ago, and I was warned about "Foreclosure Weekend". At the time, I brushed it off because I'm tough/I wasn't sure I was going to be around/I was overwhelmed by everything. Today was the dreaded day, and I now have a healthy respect for & appropriate fear of Foreclosure Weekend. Also, I think just the fact that I have to work on Saturdays makes me tired. 

I'm a pretty cute paralegal, though, right?

CLICKING: Deets on Tax Free Weekend in my Great State. They moved it to a new weekend, so I'm online window-shopping. Gotta go in with a plan, Stan.